


Winter is in your hearts

by DritaA_Clexa4ever



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clexa, Drama, F/F, Psychology, clexa au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 58,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22834783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DritaA_Clexa4ever/pseuds/DritaA_Clexa4ever
Summary: Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 8
Kudos: 69





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [В ваших сердцах зима](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/561418) by Hell.S. 



> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

-“Clarke, please don't be late. You know how important this is to me!"

-“Raven, please don't push. I’ve already begged off from work. You know for yourself how my relationship with my colleagues is, especially with this bitch. I will be there soon, do not panic."

-“Clarke, I beg you ... I’ll wait, but please, faster!”

«Damn her» - the blonde thought and nervously put the phone in her pocket. She wasn’t angry at her friend, but at herself. She absolutely couldn’t get in time, even to pay due attention to the only person who deserved it. The girl walked and nervously looked around. She worked as a bartender at a nightclub and today had to work another night shift. Their club was opened every day except on Monday and the people there weren’t a few. Of course, junkies and punks, were mostly a regular contingent.  
Raven had called and had begged her to take at least one day off work, in order to come and have some time for her friend, whom the guy had brutally beaten. 

Clarke was walking along a dark alley and, living in an area that was somewhat reminiscent of a ghetto, had to walk very fast. She was always afraid of this quarter, and her place of work was exactly the epicenter of it. Her apartment was in a more peaceful corner of this forsaken and abandoned by cops place. There was some rustle ... The girl, without looking back, accelerated her pace. She was scared, even goose bumps ran across her skin. She didn't know why she raised her head, but when she did it, her legs remained stuck tightly to the asphalt.

Her back ran cold and a breath caught in her throat at the sight. The building in front of her had eight floors, looked like a place suited for murders and, most likely, was a drug brothel. But on the roof of this building stood a girl ... At the edge.   
Clarke slowly stepped back to get a better look. No, it was definitely not a product of her imagination. Judging by the body, there really was a girl there. The blonde was numb and the first thought that occurred to her wasn’t to call the cops, who by far wouldn’t care, but to go and do something herself. She had a fighting spirit and often at school acted as the defender of the weak and wretched, while taking it all on herself. Well, of course, she had to be the superhero, the cops wouldn’t be of any help here.   
She was all by herself in this. She wasn’t stupid, but sometimes, in such moments, her rational mind left her and was replaced by something else. Something that pushed her into doing stupid and rushed acts.

Clarke opened the porch door. Then a disgusting smell hit her nose. She grimaced and, covering her nose with her sleeve, began to walk forward. It was dark enough and she stumbled over empty bottles all the time. Clark stopped at the stairs and listened, some fuss came from upstairs. Nothing clear so far. She was afraid of such places ...  
She tried not to be near people who dwelled in places like this. 

The girl went up to the third floor. A guy was lying on the stairs and next to his face was a nasty puddle of something disgusting and bad smelling. Clarke, covering her nose more tightly and restraining the gagging urge, stepped over him. The girl stopped at the first step on the span. Her attention was drawn to a strange sound, either like mooing or moaning. She cursed herself mentally, but still turned and looked into the corridor.

There was an open apartment, and someone was mooing strangely inside. The blonde closed her eyes, exhaled and took a couple more steps forward. She carefully looked at her feet. She really didn't want to step on the trash that lied on the floor. Clarke jerked her head. Around the corner, she saw a girl, who was sat with her face down and crying.   
It was like a tantrum. Nearby there were spoons, syringes and an elastic band in order to patch up the hand. 

-“Fuck,” Clarke whispered in a wheeze, turned away and went back. She didn't want to calm the drug addict at all and that was also not why she had come here.

Something caught her attention ... Drops of blood on the floor. Fresh. She looked up and noticed a door leading, most likely, to the bathroom.   
Clarke carefully opened the door and was paralyzed. Sitting on the floor, resting his back on the bath, was a young guy ... And a small trickle of blood flowed from his mouth.  
Clarke took a step forward and, stretching out her hand and squinting, sat down and touched the guy's neck. There was a pulse. Clarke opened his eyes. There was a wound on the guy’s temple, it looked like he was hit with something pointed. Maybe the girl who was crying, did that. In any case, Clarke didn't want to stay there for more than a second.   
The blonde moved back and, knocking down with her heels some bottles and cans, she crashed into the wall in the hallway.   
She covered her mouth with her hand to not make a sound.  
The phone rang in her pocket and Clarke jerked.

She began to quickly pat her pocket, her hands were shaking terribly. Damn, what a mess she got into. The girl didn’t just curse herself, she hated herself with all her heart for entering such a godforsaken place. 

Clarke picked up the phone and, clutching it to her chest, ran outside.

-“Raven, I got into a mess. I damn got into a mess,” Clarke whispered, clinging her hand to the wall and trying to catch her breath at least.

-“Clarke, what's with the voice, what's wrong with you? Where are you?

-“Raven, if I don't call you in ten minutes, or if I don't pick up the phone, call the cops,” and Clarke promptly dictated her whereabouts to her friend. She knew that Raven would give her those ten minutes.

-“Clarke, tell me you're intact and ... And then I won't call them right now!”

-“I'm intact, really. Frightened to shreds, but intact.” Clarke began to look around, and again glanced at the guy on the stairs. “Ray, ten minutes.”

The girl ended the call and put the phone in her back pocket.  
She took a folding knife from her backpack and slowly began to climb up. Hoping she wasn’t late.

There were also sounds to be heard on the next floors, but this time Clarke didn't want to find out their source. In such places, someone always groaned, especially at such a time.   
It was worth taking a taxi, damn savings.   
Her hands were still shaking from what she saw, in fact, her legs were too. Her heart was beating somewhere in high in her throat, but she was not used to retreating, since she had already dived into it all, it was necessary to finish it. Damn brain, why do you allow such reckless acts?

She pushed the door that led to the roof and, taking a step, stood up. About thirty meters from her, a girl sat on the edge of the roof. She was looking down.  
Clarke swallowed and squeezed the handle of the knife harder. Maybe she mixed everything up, and this drug addict was just sitting and looking over the sight of the city at night.  
The blonde didn't really want to think that she had experienced such a shock in vain. Clarke began to slowly approach the stranger.

\- "You're not going to jump, are you?" - Clarke carefully stood to the side, a little behind, and quietly asked, hiding the hand holding the knife behind her back.

-“I haven't decided yet,” the girl answered, looking at Clarke. She answered as if the blonde was her friend and had just come up to ask if everything was okay. She was not surprised. She didn't jerk. She didn’t even turn to look back.

-“There on the third floor ...” Clarke herself didn’t understand why she said this. Why is she ... Damn, idiot! The girl jerks and turns to face Clarke.

Her eyes widened, she opened her mouth, but said nothing.   
Clarke put her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and put on a more laid-back look.  
She wanted to appear to be one of them and show that she wasn’t afraid. That she was absolutely calm.

-“I did that,” the girl answered quietly and, turning back to watch the city, she threw something down.

Clarke opened her mouth wide and her lips began to tremble. The face of this girl ... It didn't look like the face of a person who could pierce someone’s head or strike it with a blunt object. Cute features, she looked only twenty years old. If she hadn’t been wearing a hood ....   
Clarke squeezed her hand around the knife in her pocket and tried to say something. Nothing. Why was she suddenly numb? What happened and why she didn't turn around and ran without looking back? Why did she stay rooted to the spot and looked at the profile of a stranger who was clearly not going to jump.

-“You don't look like a local. Why are you still here? And what are you doing here?" – The brunette asked, but she sounded completely indifferent, she didn’t particularly care about the answers.

Clarke swallowed and took another step.

-“And you don't look like a murderer,” the blonde had no idea whether she was or not, because the girl was hardly visible. And what did even mean to look like a murderer? The guy was also alive. So far, anyway.

-“And do I look like a suicidal?” - the girl turned again, - “could you go away?”

Yes, Clarke, it's time to go. You did everything you could.

The stranger suddenly began to get up, and Clarke backed away, pulling out her hand with the knife from her pocket. The brunette noticed this and stopped. She was right at the edge of the roof and was looking down at the weapon in the blonde's hand. Clarke froze. The stranger sighed and suddenly staggered. Her eyes suddenly began to roll up and she, raising her hands, tried to catch balance. Clarke moved forward and, the moment the girl’s foot slipped off the edge, she grabbed her and pulled her to herself. It lasted only two seconds, but for Clarke this moment stretched into eternity. The realization that the brunette was about to fall, made her feel like her heart would kick out of her chest.

Clarke held her hands to her chest and tried to breathe. She hung over the girl who laid at her feet. The air refused to enter her lungs.   
Her throat burned. The beating of her own heart was ringing in her ears.

The blonde fell to her knees and turned the girl to face her. The brunette was unconscious. Clarke swallowed, looking at the pretty features. This girl was very beautiful.  
She had a fresh bruise under one eye and a shattered lip and eyebrow ... The blonde clasped the girl’s face in her hands and, unable to utter a sound, she just looked at her.   
She jerked off when she heard her ringtone.

-“Yes, Raven,” the blonde answered in a whisper.

-“Clarke, are you intact?”

-“Ray, I need your help. Can you take a taxi and come to this address? I beg you."

-“Damn Clarke, you’re scaring the shit out of me. I have only twenty bucks, or even less, I will try, but ...

-“I'll pay, only come faster, please,” Clarke ended the call. Catching a taxi in this area was problematic, but if you paid enough, then there would be a chance to get one.

Clarke exhaled and, stretching out her legs, sat next to the girl. She looked at her for about five minutes without taking her eyes off. She tried to understand. But not a single thought made sense in her head. She remembered the guy with the injured head ... And nothing. The only thing she felt then was the fear that the person who did this to a guy out there, could also hit her head. Now this person was lying at her feet and what she felt ... What she thought ... Her hands were still shaking and the jerk in her body didn’t pass, but apart from physical manifestations – there was nothing. Clarke reached out to the girl and removed the strand from her face, revealing it completely. She twitched when the stranger opened her mouth and began to move. 

The brunette opened her eyes, frowned, and seemed to remember where she was. She got up a little and began to look around nervously.

\- "It's ok. We have to go, help me." Clarke stood up and, picking up the knife from the floor, put it in her pocket. Then she grabbed the girl by the arms and helped her to get up.

\- "What's happening?" – The brunette said hoarsely and barely audible.

-“We’ll find out after, help me, damn it,” Clarke did not have enough strength to lift her, and the stranger, clutching Clarke's shoulder, nevertheless got to her feet.   
They came down very slowly. The brunette slowed down on the third floor, but Clarke confidently pulled her forward. The stranger was constantly swaying and stepping over a guy who had already passed away was a whole test. 

\- "What's your name?" - Clarke looked under the hood.

\- "Lexa. Damn, I'm storming wildly. I need to sit down,"- and she began to slowly sink to the ground.

-“Stand on your feet, the taxi is coming up soon,” -Clarke tugged at her hand.

\- "Who are you?" The brunette asked hoarsely, touching the abrasions on her face and pressing her palm to her forehead. She stood hunched over and Clarke took almost all of her weight upon her. Were she to let Lexa go, she would fall to the ground.

-“No matter, damn, stay on your feet. It’s hard supporting you,” Clarke was angry. She didn’t like all this, especially since she was already mentally listening to Raven chastising her.

Five minutes later, a taxi drove up. Clarke loaded Lexa inside. Raven sat in the back seat with them. Two minutes later, Lexa was chopped off. How Raven didn’t growl at Clarke, having heard the whole story was a mistery. If not for the driver, she would have definitely yelled at her. Her indignation and misunderstanding simply knew no bounds.  
Raven asked Clarke to leave the girl somewhere on the street, but definitely not to drag her home. 

-“Clarke, she’s probably a drug addict and God knows what else, tell me, are you out of your mind?”

\- "Ray, I decided. And either you will help me, or as we arrive, you will immediately go home. I'll pay the taxi for you."

-“You struck a guy's head yesterday! I know how you look, I can say that I was an unwitting witness to how you ran out of the building and ... maybe he passed away there?

-“You work so much, but today you’re ready to lower a bunch of money and all for what? For the sake of this ... Fuck. You're killing me! When will you start thinking?"

Clarke said nothing, not wanting to sort things out with witnesses.

Raven stayed with her. The ride hurt her pocket. Sixty bucks. It was too much. They laid Lexa on the bed, she almost didn’t recover. They had to drag the girl to the apartment by themselves.  
And so, the next two hours, Clarke listened to her friend's notations.  
Raven eventually gave up, as arguing with Clarke was futile. Clarke wass stubborn like a ram. If she put something in her mind, then she would never back down.  
It only remained for her to observe and not allow the blonde to be harmed, as it has already happened more than once.

Clarke was not innocent or kind. She didn’t consider herself like that. But there was something about her ... That didn’t allow her to put up with assholes and bastards.  
If this scene unfolded in front of the blonde, she would go and fit in. And then Raven would fit in, it has always been like that. Clarke ran into something unpleasant, and her friend saved her ass from the consequences.

Clarke didn’t always live here. She didn’t come from a poor family, her mother was the best surgeon in Michigan. They lived in Detroit, the most dangerous city in the United States. But when she was only sixteen, the area where Clarke lived changed a lot and with it, her whole life.

She met Raven by accident, and their friendship began when Clarke intervened in a street fight. She won the heart of the heartless and, sometimes, callous brunette.  
With each passing day they became closer and closer, and after three and a half years they were the closest people to each other. Raven, who was growing up here, and Clarkу, a taller class girl.

To Raven's surprise, this wasn’t at all noticeable. Clarke was amazing in her eyes. An amazing and such a stupid girl who was able to constantly look for trouble.  
And here Clarke stood on her bed and looked at Lexa sleeping peacefully.

It was almost six in the morning and she wanted to sleep. Raven laid in the kitchen, on the small couch. Clarke had to do a lot of work to convince Raven to sleep for at least four hours, because she had to go to work in the morning. And Clarke, who was used to the nightlife, would wait until morning came.   
That was just how her eyes stuck together. The blonde watched the sleeping guest for another ten minutes, her strength left and, exhaling loudly, she closed her eyes and decided to lie down next to her.  
Clarke stepped over Lexa and laid down against the wall. Fortunately, Lexa slept on the edge and didn’t take up much space.

***

\- "Take your hands off!"

Clarke opened her eyes sharply. The light immediately blinded her, the blonde didn’t even immediately understand what was happening.

\- "I repeat. Put it in place and don’t touch anything, drug addict."

-“Ray,” Clarke croaked, rising from the bed.

Silently and with trembling hands, Lexa put the photo frame back on the shelf and turned to face Raven, who was standing in the doorway.

\- "She's rummaging around here! Fuck knows maybe she already managed to steal something. You don’t mind if I look at your pockets? "- Raven began to move to the brunette.

Clarke saw how the guest’s look immediately changed and became angry. The brunette clenched her fists.

\- "Raven, calm down! She is our guest, this is just a photograph.”Clarke lowered her legs from the bed. She perfectly understood what all this threatened, especially knowing Raven ...

-“Look at her, for God’s sake. What made you clench your fists, haven’t you got hit in the face for a long time? I can brush your abrasions on that face,"- Raven began to quickly move towards Lexa and Clarke immediately jumped out of bed.

\- "Raven! What are you doing? Get away from her!"

-“Clarke, you're really stupid. Can't you see, she has a wild look? She woke up and now she can go,"

-“Ray, shut up, I won’t repeat it again,” Clarke went up to her friend and growled in her ear.

\- "She is right. I'll go", - Lexa slowly, slightly staggering, began to go around the girls, heading for the exit.

\- "No, you won’t go anywhere! You are not standing on your feet, you look pale as death!" - Clarke pulled Lexa's hand to stop, and she immediately spun around and threw her hand away. She looked angry and Clark took a step back.

-“Clarke, are you a fool?” Let her go! - Raven clutched her hands on her friend's shoulders and blocked her path. Lexa turned around again and left the room.

-“If you leave now, I’ll call the cops and say that you ... I don’t know. Robbed me!"

-“I don't give a damn,” was heard somewhere in the hallway.

-“Griffin, shit, did you lost your mind?” - Raven hissed in the blonde's face, but she didn't even look at her.

Sounds subsided in the hallway. Clark pushed Raven away and went out there. Lexa stood with a sneaker in her hand and watched Clarke attentively.   
The brunette studied the blonde's face, clearly not understanding what was happening.

\- "Are you nuts?" The brunette hissed, putting on her sneaker.

\- "Lexa, your face is pale, you need ... When was the last time you have eaten?"

-“Clarke, her face is pale because she sticks out!” Raven went out into the hallway and walked closer to Lexa,” show your hands, drug addict!" Raven grabbed her by the sleeve, lifting it higher. And then Lexa opened her mouth, gritted her teeth and, pulling out her hand, attacked Raven.

Raven pushed her away and if not for Clarke, then Raven’s fist would have flown into Lexa’s face.

-" Both of you, calm down!"

-“Clarke, are you a fool?” - Raven yelled louder.

\- "Raven!" - Clarke stood with her back to Lexa and facing her friend, she was already panting with anger.

-“You really ... God, what a fool you are,” Raven grabbed her head and walked away from Lexa.

It was useless once the girl has made up her mind. 

-“Leave the sneakers here and go to the kitchen. You need to eat, and then you will go. - Clarke turned and, leaving the girls, went to the kitchen.  
Lexa was leaning on the wall, and didn’t budge. She slowly turned her gaze to Raven, who, clenching her fists, stood and stared at her.  
-“Your friend is inadequate,” she whispered, taking off her second shoe. Lexa straightened up, staggered and nearly fell.

Raven exhaled and, calming a little, headed to Clarke.

-“Do you understand that I need go to work?!” Raven whispered quietly and viciously, hanging over Clarke, who was squatting and delving into the refrigerator.

-“Well then, go,” Clarke straightened up, holding the pan in her hands.

-“You will bring me to the grave with your antics! This is not your thug area where you can pick people from the street like puppies and feed them!

\- "Raven!" Clarke frowned and set the pan loudly on the table. - "Shut up and don't you dare!"

-" Sorry. But I refuse to understand you!"

-“Raven, in this situation, I don’t understand myself, but she’s completely exhausted. Let her eat and then she can leave. I'm sure she ... I think ... Damn, there is something about her that ...

-“Clarke, there's nothing about her. She is the same garbage like everyone else. Will you drag everyone home ?! Let's help all the poor, because there IS SOMETHING ABOUT THEM! - the last words were loudly growled in her ear by Raven.

\- "The same garbage! We're garbage too, Raven! If you follow your logic!"

\- "Are you really stupid ??? She is using needles for drugs! I would have just let her there when she passed out or surrendered her to the cops! You're a total idiot! You aren’t saving anyone! You act like a kid picking up dogs from the street!"

-“You can't know that! That's it. Go to work! You’re infuriating me! Go, I'll figure it out myself!

-“Damn fool,” Raven turned and immediately looked at Lexa, who was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, propping her shoulder on the jamb.

-“If you hurt her, I will find you and tear your guts out!” – Raven said through her teeth while leaning towards the brunette’s face. After she straightened up, -“Clarke, I’ll be in touch, let me know what's up. And if you just try to ignore me, then I'll call the cops. ” With these words, Raven left them.

-“Forgive her,” Clarke said quietly, turning on the gas stove.

-“No, I like your friend,” the brunette answered coldly and calmly, and Clarke, putting the pan on the stove, looked around. -“You're really crazy.” The situation was even funny.  
Clarke opened her mouth. The tone of this girl was so ... no. She was clearly not a weak victim of circumstances.  
And certainly not a puppy from the street. Now Clarke was looking at the girl with a predatory and cold look. Another person.

Lexa sat up and, cross-legged, raised an eyebrow questioningly. Clarke turned back to the stove. It looked like Raven was right. This girl was definitely not a victim of circumstances.  
Rather, a wounded predator who sat behind and looked at her back with such a look that made goose bumps appear on Clarke’s body.   
Now fear came, cold, paralyzing, thinking that she had made a mistake.

-“Your friend will not be able to protect you,” the brunette said dryly and with a smile in her voice from behind. The saucepan in Clarke's hands began to tremble. She slowly put it on and exhaled, calming herself. -“If you continue to so recklessly help people who are not worth it. To help people who will punish you for your kindness,"- Lexa added.

-“This is not kindness,” Clarke turned and looked confidently into her guest’s eyes. She wanted to look bold and relaxed, although in fact, because of the feeling of fear, she got a lump in her throat and her chest was squeezing. 

It seemed that she didn’t understand people at all.

-“You're scared of me,” Lexa took off her hood and long dark hair scattered over her shoulders. Clarke even opened her mouth, forgetting for a second what this girl had just said. With her hair loose, she was even more beautiful. More beautiful ... was that a fitting thought when you're still in a daze? 

\- "What?Nonsense. If I were afraid of you, you wouldn't be here, ”Clarke answered, but her hoarse voice betrayed her. Her mouth was dry.

\- "You’re holding that spoon so tight, that your hand has turned white. Relax, I don't bite. And a spoon is unlikely to protect you." Clarke looked at her hand. She gripped the instrument so tightly that her hand really turned white.

-“As soon as you eat, you’d better leave.”

-“Don’t be afraid,” Lexa tried to calm her a little, changing her intonation. In any case, Clarke thought that it was precisely an attempt to reassure her.

The blonde took out a plate and set it on the table. After, she removed the pan from the stove, with trembling hands, and put pasta and meat in a plate. She held out a fork and sat on a stool opposite the girl. She sat up and stared carefully.

-“If you look at me like that, I'll choke-bore.” Lexa carefully wrapped the spaghetti on the fork and sent it into her mouth. She chewed slowly and looked at Clarke.

-“Why did you hit him in the head?” - Clarke began quietly, not taking her eyes off the predatory eyes opposite from her.

-“If you know a lot ... You will end badly.”

\- "Do you think this is fun?"- Clarke moved her eyebrows to the bridge of her nose and shook her head in displeasure.

-“What exactly,” Lexa licked her lips and squinted at her.

-“You seem to be deliberately talking like that, like I'm a stupid fool.”

-“Isn’t that so?” - Lexa smiled and began to reel on her fork a new portion.

-“If I wanted to help you, that does not make me a fool.”

-“Your picture is in the closet. Is that you and your mother? You don't look like a local. - Lexa, raising an eyebrow, looked at the blonde and sent food to her mouth.

-“If I'm not dirty and tattered like you, it doesn’t mean I’m not a local,” Clarke snapped, not wanting to delve into the topic. She already didn’t want to deepen it anymore. The only person she allowed to poke at her past was Raven, the others not. This was evidenced by a scar under the hair on the girl's forehead.

\- "I'm not talking about the appearance, but thanks for the compliment. Your photo. There is a rich family. Your family,” Lexa grinned and continued to eat, no longer looking at Clarke.

-“It's in the past and not your business. You seemed to be another person. I saw something in you and wanted to help, but I was mistaken," Clarke answered dryly and got up from the table.

\- "Rebel much? Mommy does not support your views? And you decided to get out from under the wing and take a walk? You didn’t find the right place for this. Barbie."

\- "Shut up!" - Clarke turned and, hitting her hands on the table and stretching her face to the jerking brunette, growled rudely and hoarsely, spitting out every word, “You don't know anything about me! You can shove your opinion up your ass! Have you finished? - Clarke grabbed the empty plate and pushed it to the side. - "You have to go!"

"- The girl shows her claws, interesting, but unconvincing. It would be worth snapping your neck and taking your jewelry that’s in the casket in the closet, - Lexa replied indifferently. She got up from the table and headed for the exit, but, turning around, added. - "Do not bring anyone into your house; it will end badly."  
She turned away and went out.

-“Why did you hit him in the head ?! Clark blurted out roughly as she exhaled, catching Lexa in the hallway.

Lexa, who was squatting and putting on her sneakers, looked up and frowned. She stared at the blonde for a long time and steadily, with almost steam coming from her ears, and her hands were shaking openly.

-“I don't think you should ...”

\- "Why? I want to know whom I brought to my house!"

Lexa frowned even more. Most likely, she realized that Clarke was too scared and it would be worthwhile to reassure her in the end.

\- "I will not return here, I do not care about you. Yes, you helped the wrong person, but it will be a lesson to you. Nobody needs your protection and help here. Take a word of advice. Your friend was right, she is local and knows how it can end. Such an urban doll like you should be protected. Stubborn and dumb," - the brunette's voice was dry and calm, she put on her hood and, taking a step towards Clarke, continued. - “I really didn’t eat for three days and it made me a little stormy. That guy was trying to rape a girl that I felt sorry for. I was high and defended her. More precisely, I protected her."

\- "Is he who did that to you?" - the question sounded sharply.

\- "No, she did that. That piece of shit was her boyfriend and because of him she had an overdose twice. But love is evil. Friendship is a myth, when someone reaches out, they gnaw at your elbow. And then they will punish you for everything good you tried to do, ”Lexa looked around while Clarke was digesting the information. She took Clark's phone from the shelf and began to do something on it. - "This is my number. If you mess around, call me. I will repay the debt. By the way, your friend is panicking there" - she gave Clarke her phone back and left the apartment.

The blonde stood for a long time and looked at the closed door. Then she yanked herself and went to the chat to reassure Raven.

Clarke walked slowly into her room and stood at the closet. In the apartment for the first time, there was silence and she could hear the ringing in her own ears.   
It was eight in the morning. No thoughts were in her head, only a strange sentiment. Some kind of emptiness. Fear and excitement disappeared with the girl's departure, and, in return, came emptiness. The blonde hasn’t experienced this in a long time. 

The last six months, since she began to work, every day has passed noisely. All night, there was noise, buzz and music, then she would come home, sleep, eat, read textbooks and repeat it all over again, in a circle. And now she felt as if she had fallen from the carousel of recurring days.   
Clarke pulled out a drawer and took out a box. All the jewelry from her past life was in place. When living on this block you couldn’t put it on anymore. Clarke could only afford to wear two gold rings, and the chains and the bracelets laid there in the box. Gifts from her mom and relatives. Some things were given by former friends. Clarke slid the drawer back.   
She was thinking about hiding all this under the parquet, where she kept her savings. But there was already no place there, it would be necessary to find another place for them.  
And what kind of life was this when you couldn’t even put a box in a closet. Clarke dismissed these thoughts, walked over and sat down on the bed.

She was sad. It was an ordinary day, why was she so sad? The girl sat on the bed and stared blankly. She had to eat something herself. Clarke got up and walked slowly into the kitchen. Damn, the last pasta went to the guest. The blonde sadly aknowledged that there was no more food in the house.

Clarke got dressed and went out into the porch. She closed the door and dropped the keys.

\- "Damn, what the hell?" - the girl swore out loud and exhaled loudly, once again noting to herself that today was a strange day. Her hands were shaky. It turned out that the elevator didn’t work either. Irritated, she thought about how she would get up to the eighth floor when she would be back. Clarke started down the stairs. 

On the fifth floor, the blonde froze. On the stairs, Lexa was sitting, propping her shoulder against the wall. Clarke bit her lip and walked slowly over. The girl was sleeping. A mobile phone was lying on the stairs next to her. Clarke leaned over and, without straightening up, examined the device. A brand new iPhone 6.   
Did she stole it or something? The blonde tried to unlock it. Password, of course. She pushed the phone into Lexa's sweatshirt pocket and sat up straight. She was stood, looking around and thinking.  
No, no, no. Don't even think about it. Clarke, in order to calm her conscience, went around the girl and squatted across from her, gently and barely touching her forehead. She immediately drew back her hand. It burned. It so burned that she could feel the fever from a distance of 5 centimeters.  
«Raven will kill me,» Clarke thought and exhaled, rising to her feet.

Clarke with two bags in her hands was climbing up the stairs. On the fifth floor she again braked next to Lexa. She decided that she had to first go to the store, so maybe out in the street she could clear her head and change her mind. To understand that her idea was superfluous, that it would be a mistake. Lexa made it clear to her that she was not the most welcoming guest, and Raven… If Clarke told her, she would come, and, no longer listening to her, she would throw Lexa into the street. She would not give a damn about the girl’s fever.

-“What a fool I am,” Clarke mentally hit herself in the face and began to walk to her floor, deciding that first she had to take the packages home, and at the same time take her time think for an extra five minutes. 

Of course she thought. Thought about how she would help and what medicines to give the girl. She had already bought everything.

Clarke worked like a madman, and it was all in order to fulfill her dream and go to med school. Her mother was the chief surgeon. But Clarke didn’t want to be a doctor because of her. Ever since childhood, she has been spellbound as she listened to her mom’s stories while she was sharing them with her stepfather. She sometimes told them with such passion, that they needed to be driving Clarke out, but the girl got out the door and eavesdropped. She remembers the moment when her mother told a story about how a child died. Surgeons were unable to help. Clarke was amazed by that story, and she clearly remembered her thinking that she could help save people. That she would like that. When Clarke grew older, she wondered why her mother was so cold with patients. She would never have been able to - a thirteen-year-old girl had promised then. Clarke did not want to be like her mother, but she dreamed of becoming a surgeon. And she would have become if ... Now she was on her own and training was quite expensive, but if she worked for another year without days off, she would save up for the first year of training, and then ... 

Clarke didn't consider herself good or a person who wants to help "everyone." She herself didn’t think so. But anyone, like Raven, for example, looking at how she seeked to help a stranger, would consider this kindness to be sincere. But not Clarke. She considered herself a rude and sometimes cruel person, cruel and evil with those she didn't like. With offenders. Was she kind? No. Sometimes, there were just people she wanted to help. Something just clicked in her. Introspection was never a given to Clarke. And she had no time for it. She is what she is. Clarke resigned, but Raven didn’t. 

-“Lexa, help me,” the blonde gently lifted her hand and ducked under it, pressed it to her chest and, hearing a faint mooing in her ear, she realized that the girl had regained consciousness. - "Good girl, and now help me." Clarke thought, and later became convinced that Lexa, although she began to help move herself and stood on her own feet, still didn't understand what was happening.

\- "Milik, did you fall asleep? " Lexa mumbles in Clarke’s ear.

-“Yes, yes, Lexa,” Clarke said understanding that Lexa has gone crazy and this was very, very bad. It was necessary to take her to the hospital. But not in this quarter. Not to the hospital here. Clarke could, she could ... -" Just a couple of floors, help me, Lex, come on, a little more."  
It was clear that Lexa was doing everything on autopilot. She could move around, and this was a huge plus and a chance that everything wasn’t so serious.

Raven wouldn’t understand, even if Lexa died, Raven would still not understand. But she didn’t have to know, right? Clarke scolded herself for this decision, but what could a girl with a temperature of about forty do to her? And, if she really wanted to hurt her, she would have already done it. 

Clarke sat next to the brunette and briefly covered her eyes, then slowly opened them. She took the thermometer from Lexa's mouth. 39.4. Bad, very bad.   
The heat was so high that Clarke felt as if the temperature in the whole apartment has become higher. She herself didn’t care if she got sick ... why?  
The blonde took some ice from the freezer and, wrapping it in a towel, returned to the guest.

Clarke put the ice on the girl’s forehead and looked at her cheeks, red cheeks ... Her lips were moving a little. She had abrasions on her face. Lexa muttered something under her breath.   
Clarke sincerely "cooled down." Forgot the insults or what she managed to feel just a few hours ago in the kitchen. It was fear. Fear with a touch of disappointment that the girl, not only didn’t live up to her expectations, but also made Raven to be right, and Clarke didn’t really like someone other than her to be right. Especially Raven.

-“Your friend will kill you,” She heard a hoarse whisper behind. Clarke didn’t go to work, she didn’t even notice how time flew by and when the evening came. Clarke mentally laughed at Raven automatically, lied brazenly and didn’t even hear herself, she was in a different place at that moment. She was mentally at work and scrolling through the words that she would say to the senior manager when she would take another day off, albeit a well-deserved one. She wasn’t loved at work. She was a stranger.

-“She won't know,” Clarke answered, not turning. She heard out of the corner of her ear as Lexa grunted. Let it. Lexa also thought Clarke wasn’t prudent. She was used to it.   
She apparently was born in the wrong place and in the wrong state, and maybe not in that country at all, and maybe even in vain. Clarke was thinking about this in vain now.

\- "Is everything alright?" - the blonde felt a faint push on her back and the barely audible voice of the brunette.

\- "How are you?“ Clarkee, finally, managed to yank herself away from unnecessary thoughts, - "You took some medicine four hours ago, your temperature should have dropped." The blonde turned and faced the brunette's frown with a thoughtful gaze. Lexa was looking for something, wanted to see something. It was unlikely that she could. 

\- "I do not know how to answer this question. Alive?" - Lexa looked away and then closed her eyes. Clarke terribly wanted to sleep, because she almost didn’t sleep. She turned and looked at a place near the wall, Lexa laid almost in the middle of the bed and Clarke would generally be worth not touching her and going to the kitchen, but ...

-“I will move,” the blonde pulled her gaze and collided with Lexa's already wide-open eyes. She saw in them something new, was it really guilt? No, guilt feelings are unlikely to be characteristic for this girl, but nevertheless Clarke saw something, something ... She looked too long and thought too much. She looked into the red eyes, which Lexa probably wanted to close, but she didn’t interrupt the eye contact until Clarke nodded. Lexa moved, and Clarke crawled to the wall. She would hardly fall asleep in the kitchen. She suffered from insomnia and a small sofa almost the size of an armchair would not contribute to help her sleep.

-“Milik ...” Clarke says in a whisper and into the void.

-“My dog,” Lexa answered immediately. It was even strange, did she really know that she pronounced the name of the dog ... in a dream, in a nightmare or ...  
Clarke decided not to elaborate; this answer was enough for her. She nodded back. Rather for herself.

Clarke didn’t notice when she fell into a dream. Sleeping too fast for a person who was almost unable to sleep at night, only to work.

This was the most unusual morning. Clarke felt rested for the first time. As soon as she opened her eyes, the first thing she thought about was why it was so sunny.   
And the next thing she did was smile. Five seconds later, the smile disappeared. Clarke jumped out of the bed. She noticed that she was completely alone in the room.  
The blonde ran through the apartment - nobody. Clarke stood in front of the door, which was not fully closed. She went up and turned the lock. How stupid of Lexa, but it was for the better. The blonde felt relieved. She turned slowly and immediately a note on the key shelf caught her eye. A note, and it had twenty bucks. "Thanks"  
-“You are welcome,” Clarke said aloud, and finally relaxed. Her stomach rumbled unpleasantly and she remembered she hadn't eaten yesterday.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

-“Clarke, damn it! Griffin, do you even know who you brought to your house?" - Raven shouted at the blonde so loud that Clarke almost remained deaf.

-“Hello, to you too,” the blonde grumbled, sitting down at the table.

\- "Lexa! Lexa, damn it,” Raven leaned over and drank the cocktail, -“ fuck, Griffin, what a nuclear one, did you even pour a drop of Coke? ” Raven, grimacing, pushed back the glass with the Long Island cocktail.

\- "I love you very much that I overdid it. Didn't have much place for Coke," the blonde grinned and, adjusting her shorts, leaned a little towards her friend. -" I can’t stay for a long time, why are you here?"

-“Clearly,” Raven put her hand on Clarke’s shoulder and, removing the smile from her face, moved closer, -“Lexa, Clarke. The girl who was at your place. She holds all our garbage."

Clarke raised an eyebrow as if it should mean something to her. And since when Raven called the brunette ‘a girl’.

\- "It's pretty crazy!“ Clarke threw up her hands,-” Lexa herself ?! It can not be!"

-" Very funny. Lexa is a dude’s girl who sells drugs to the whole state. Well, more precisely, not his girl, but his person," - Raven corrected herself, noticing Clarke's raised eyebrow, - "Shortly. Lexa kept our area for five years. Lexa is a dealer, and the protection provision, and God himself for our drug addicts." Raven reached for the cocktail again, and Clarke looked at her friend with a raised eyebrow, digesting the information that hadn’t even reached her until now.

-“So you mean she's abrupt?”

Raven pulled herself away from the pipe and laughed so loudly that she was louder than the music.

-“Clarke, she's not just abrupt. She ..." the brunette frowned, - "was."

\- "Was?"

-“Well, as far as I know, something happened to her, she went by the roof and blew up the basement with cocaine for a round sum. Then for six months everyone washed her bones." 

\- "Are you kidding? She would already be a corpse. I don’t know much about your drug addicts, but wouldn't they do that to her? "

-“There's a long story, Clarke. Anyone here knows about her life, even the homeless. I calmed down right away. Well, the fact that she would not have touched you is for sure. She has a good reputation. She had. Compared to the one before her."

\- "Bullshit, Raven. Although I wasn’t born here, it’s a no brainer that people like Lexa kill debtors and put on a needle. They also knock money out and in general ..."

-“Well, yes,” Raven nodded and thought. -“So she herself didn't do this. The truth is, I don't know, but I keep myself far away from drugs. The guys are just talking, and I heard something. In any case, someone else took her place now. I don’t know who, but she sticks out huge money. That's all that I know."

\- "Understandably. So… an abrupt, and she left only twenty bucks, could have tipped more."

-“I think she's aground.”

\- "Raven, I was joking!" - Clarke stood up and winked at her friend. -“She gave me the number, does that mean I have a cool protection provider now?”

-“I think you’d better not call her.”

\- "Lord, I was joking again! Well, you, I have to work."

Raven could never understand jokes, and to hell with her. But the blonde's mood improved, because she loved when Raven came to her work. It was extremely rare, but until the morning she caught her eye and gave her an encouraging smile.

By four in the morning, Clarke lost sight of Raven, this rarely happened, usually Raven didn't meet anyone and never left without saying goodbye. Clark thought she was in the toilet until the clock struck five in the morning. Now it was the time to worry.

A year ago 

\- "Lexa, today is my birthday, you could stay."

-“You know I have to wake up early for work tomorrow,” Lexa got out of bed and and, lifting her bra from the floor, began to put it on.

-“This is not work,” Eve threw the panties to her and turned angrily towards the wall.

-“Your father doesn't think so,” Lexa, ignoring the girl’s insult, continued to dress.

Five minutes later, she exited the bathroom, took a short leather jacket from a chair and threw it over her shoulders. Then she returned to the bedroom and sat down with her girlfriend, slightly moving her legs.

-" Listen, you know how I feel about your grievances, don’t start. I had a hard week, I'm really exhausted. Your father drove me like a dog," - Lexa was silent and, seeing that there was no reaction to her words, she got up and took the phone from the windowsill.

-“Lexa, I saw you flirting with that girl yesterday,” Eve raised her head and stared at the brunette.

\- "What girl? Listen, I really have to go, don't talk nonsense."

\- "No, we'll talk now. It’s too much for me!" - Eve suddenly raised her tone and Lexa stopped in the doorway, turning around. - "Today is my birthday, and even now you can’t stay with me for the night! I’m fucking tired!"

Silence. Lexa, raising an eyebrow, was standing in the doorway and remained silent. She wasn’t used to her lover raising her voice; she almost never did that. And if, nevertheless, she begand to scream, then her patience would combust. But Lexa didn't want to play along and argue, not this time. She wasn’t in the mood. She never was.

-“I can't fall asleep anywhere except in my bed. Alone,” Lexa answered calmly and looked at the time on her cell phone, -"and you know that. Is that a reason to yell at me? In my opinion, this is a long gone stage. I'll go, okay? The driver is waiting for me.”

\- " No, this isn’t over. My patience, Lexa, is gone! We need to talk, ”Eve got out of bed and, putting on her shirt to cover her naked body, went to the brunette and pointed her hand at the chair. 

Lexa, taking a deep breath, sat down. It wasn’t scary, she could tolerate five minutes, nothing would happen. If Eve wanted to sort things out now, Lexa would listen to her.

\- "Well, I'm all ears."

-“Would at least change the intonation? You always use this cold tone. Lexa, do you even love me?" - The brown-haired woman came closer and carefully looked down at Lexa, as if trying to find an answer in the brunette's wide eyes.

-“Mitchell, do you even hear yourself? What kind of question is that?" - Lexa's intonation suddenly changed to annoyed, as if something had been switched in her on the spot. She didn’t expect such a question at all.

-“Wow, Cerry, are you that surprised? Wow! I’m even honored to hear your increased intonation! Lexa, this is a normal question for a couple who is together for four fucking years!" - Suddenly the girl switched to screaming, - "four years, bitch, and not a word about feelings! How much time do you need, Lexa? A year, maybe another 2 years, or maybe another ten years? I have a peculiar girl! She needs time, a lot of time!" - The girl gestured with her hands, while Lexa's eyes grew wider, - "You know what, dear? I’m fucking done with it! We are not talking about your feelings, we are not talking about them at all. We don't sleep together at all, fuck it! We don’t hug, because, you see, Lexa doesn’t like her personal space to be violated, all this kindness and tenderness isn’t for her! But we can fuck, so this idea of personal space is fucked up! I always thought you needed time. So the months and years went by, I reconciled with what kind of person you are, however, I reconciled and accepted you as you are!" - Eve came very close to Lexa and, hovering over her, clenched her fists. The brunette frowned. She didn’t quite understand what was happening and what could have happened that her girlfriend responded in such a way. Why did she suddenly become unsatisfied? Lexa wasn’t one of those people who were willing to participate in such disputes and clarifications. She therefore was comfortable with Mitchell, because she was unusually tolerant of all her tricks and to all her oddities.  
Lexa sincerely believed that she was accepted and, of course, it was quite suitable for her. Now she was sitting and looking at her girlfriend, and the only thing she wanted to do was get up and leave. She didn’t want to listen to it simply because she had nothing to answer and nothing to reassure. She agreed that now she would be completely off topic. Lexa just decided to sit and be silent. Maybe Mitchell just needed to talk. This was what Lexa was ready to tolerate. 

\- "Eve, calm down. Today was a difficult day, take a break. Tomorrow everything will be fine again" - this was the maximum that Lexa could give out in this situation.

-“What a creature you are. Do you love me?" - Eve squatted down and looked into the brunette's eyes.

\- "Listen ... I don't know how to talk about feelings. Isn’t the way I behave enough? Do you need words?"

-“Yes, Lexa, I need words. I’ve always needed. Answer me.”

-“Yes, I love you,” the brunette said hoarsely. And oh, how she wanted to leave. She was feeling as if they were pulling out the insides from her now.

Eve looked into her eyes for a long time, and then bent over a little and hugged her. Lexa closed her eyes and waited patiently. She didn't like to be hugged. Another thing, when congratulations were in order, she was ready to give and accept such hugs. But she didn't like hugs, that implied close contact. It knocked her out of her comfort zone and seemed to invade personal space. Touching her face stroking her hear... But the most discomfort she got from eye to eye contact from a too close distance.

-“Thank you,” Eve leaned back a little and looked into the green eyes,- “yes, I remember, I'm sorry.” She got up.- “Lexa, I am pleased that you finally said that, but that’s not enough. I want a person who is willing to love me. I want tenderness. I want to talk about the future. I want ... Oh, I am telling you this in vain. You are still not able to give this, and even mor, to understand."

\- "Everything was fine with us. Yes, I’m not a fan of chatting, or rather pouring out my soul. I don't see the point in words that do not carry anything, like promises of some kind or big words. These are just words. I’m not a romantic and it’s hard for me ... Why do I have to explain it to you, you yourself know all this.”

-“You're like a man. And I want a girl.”

\- "Sorry, what?" Lexa raised an eyebrow. - "Thank you, but that's enough for me."

-“Damn, I didn't mean it that way. Fuck, just don’t you dare leaving now! I meant that you are callous and cynical."

\- "Even better. You know,” Lexa stood up and pushed the girl aside,-" I'm surprised, but I'm glad you told me all this. ”

-“Lexa, you flirted yesterday with some girl right at my birthday party.”

-“She was flirting with me!”

\- "It doesn’t matter. You didn’t stop her. I felt ... More precisely, at that moment I realized that you were not mine. This is a strange feeling. You smiled at her and I wanted to roll the stage with her for you, but at that moment I realized that you were not mine. It was the first time I clearly realized the fact that if I told you something, you wouldn’t worry about my feelings. You are just not mine. And it took me so many years to understand this. I spent four years being with someone like you."

-“You're very funny, really,” Lexa grinned. -“I'm tired, I'm going home, I'm sorry.”

The brunette took her purse and quickly retreated from the apartment.

***

\- "Bitch, what a bitch she is!" - Lexa loudly slammed the door and threw her bag into the hallway.

\- "What happened?" - a young guy came out to meet her with a frying pan in his hands, - "by the way, I was waiting for you earlier, but so be it, I’ll warm it up again."

\- "Mike, I will not eat. I'm not hungry.” Lexa went to her brother and kissed his cheek.

\- "What happened?"

-“She left me, that's what happened!”

\- "I don’t understand what do you mean by ‘she left you’. Take off your shoes and go to the kitchen, tell me."

-" Mike, I'm tired. She made a scene alas «I don’t like everything, I can’t do it anymore,» Lexa went into the kitchen and sat on the sofa.”

-“What doesn't suit her? You said you were doing well?"

\- "Well, as it turned out, we weren’t. She complained that I don’t hug and I don’t scream about how much I love her. Something about romance, you know, I hate all this crap."

-“I don’t understand, you always said that it suits her,” Mike put the food in the frying pan and sat next to his sister on the sofa.

\- "I thought so. Well, she’s been with me for four years, of course I was sure that she was happy with everything,” Lexa sighed and hid her face in her hands,“fuck. What do I do now? ”

-“Lexa, her father will kill us!”

\- "For what? She tore it up, not me! What do I have to do with it?"

\- "What do you have to do with it? It wasn’t worth starting a relationship with the daughter of this shithead in the first place, you always knew that a very few people could endure your character!" - the guy frowned, - "I don’t understand, is it difficult for you to hug her? You are sleeping with her!"

\- "These are different things! That’s it, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Mike, at least you can let me be." 

-“You have to make peace with her, I don’t know ... Lex, her father will fuck us.”

-“On the contrary, I thought it would be better if she broke up with me herself. I killed four years on this relationship! I'm ready to howl, and for a long time. Or will you command me to be with her all my life?"

-" She didn’t know about your betrayals?"

-" Are you kidding me? I’d already wallow with a bullet in the head."

-“Lexa, you have to make peace with her. Or try, if she doesn’t accept you, then at least you will have ... we will have ...”

-“Mike, I don't want to. I'm really tired. I can’t give her what she wants. I already said that I love her, but it’s not enough for her. She wants the whole set, but this is not included in my basic package.”

They were silent and looked at each other. It was necessary to come up with something, it was absolutely necessary.

Now

\- "Excuse me, did you see the girl who was sitting at the table here?" - Clarke went to the nearest person. She was already seriously worried, she didn’t care whom she had to ask, she was ready to at least ask the whole club, just to find her friend.

\- "Yes. She’s gone somewhere. For a long time already," - some girl waved her away.

\- "With whom? Did she leave alone?" - Clarke came very close to the table.

-“No, with some guy,” the girl answered without turning.

-" What kind of guy? - Clarke screamed loudly, trying to rummage the music.

-“Listen,” the stranger turned, “how should I know, do I seem like I followed her?”

\- "Fuck. Thanks, shit,” Clarke growled and, turning around, began to leave. She urgently needed to call someone.

Clark pulled out her cell phone and started calling. She was being pushed by the passing drunk and stoned people, and she felt very uncomfortable. It was worth going outside, and not standing in the corridor.

-" Wait!"

Clarke felt a jerk on her shoulder, and she slightly removed the phone from her ear, which didn’t get an answer.

-“I saw your friend and who she left with,” the blond-haired stranger said, grabbing Clarke by the hand and dragging her to the door.

\- "With who?" Clarke turned to face her when they finally left the club.

-“Listen,” the girl strangely stiffened, -“I don't know him well, but I know for sure that he is still an asshole. That's why I noticed, I just thought that it all looked strange."

\- "Fuck, say as it is, what are you mooing under your breath!" - Clarke started screaming, she was already seriously worried.

-“He has a very bad reputation. He hasn’t been sitting with your friend for long, then they left. The girl was staggering, and I thought that she had drunk and that is why she agreed to leave with him."

-“How could she be drunk, if her cocktail wasn't even finished!” Shouted Clarke.

\- "Calm down and don't scream! We’ll find her now,” the girl sympathetically shrugged the blonde’s shoulder, and Clarke nodded, accepting the stranger’s help, because she simply didn't know anyone and she had no choice.

\- "Let's go, it's too noisy in here."

-“Do you know where he lives?” His number?”

\- "No, I don’t know, but I know ... I know a person who can help, let's go see in the alleys."

While the girls walked and examined the neighboring streets, Clarke didn't stop calling Raven on the phone.

\- "I'll call my friend, she knows him. More precisely ... she knows all the drug addicts in the city."

***

Lexa was sitting on the roof of the building when the bell rang. Reluctantly, she pulled the phone out of her sweatshirt and looked indifferently at the screen. She looked and put the phone back in her pocket. She didn’t want to hear anyone, she wanted to let everyone roll away from her. The brunette looked at the city at night and wanted to feel something, at least something other than the desire to stand up and take a step forward. Emptiness was not only devouring her soul, it was completely tooking possession of her, swallowing her whole. The brunette didn’t understand why she couldn’t just kill herself. She was either too weak or too strong to live these days one after another. The pain was gone. There was only a vise, which at one moment squeezed all her insides and didn’t let go for a very long time. The phone in her pocket was ringing continuously, and Lexa began to get angrier.

-" What?" - the brunette snapped into the phone.

-“Lexa, I'm sorry to bother you, this is very urgent.”

\- "Talk, you have a minute."

-“Lexa, do you know where he lives ... shit, I don’t know his name. Briefly, that scumbag that was constantly walking in an orange sweatshirt, he still had such a long hair, damn it ..."

\- "I know who you’re talking about, why do you need him?" Lexa frowned.

-" Lexa, he took a girl from the club and I need to find him ..."

\- "Niylah, he constantly takes girls from the club and fucks them, why do you need him?"

\- "This girl ... Lexa, she must be found, I beg you, give me the address."

-“Is she your friend?” Lexa began to rise to her feet. She liked less and less the interest of her acquaintance in this guy.

-“She is a good girl and would not go with him of her own free will.”

\- "What do you mean by ‘fucking’?" Lexa heard a scream in the background.

-" Who is with you, do I know her?"

\- "No, Lexa. Damn, Clarke, don’t run like that, wait!" The brunette heard a rustling on the phone, as if someone struggled.

-" Clarke? Which Clarke and what girl did he take, Niylah!" - Lexa started to rise her voice.

-“You don’t know them, her friend isn’t local, she works in Insein.”

\- "Clarke?" - Lexa frowned harder and, going down the stairs, she started to hurry, jumping over the steps. - "Give her the phone."

-“Lexa, tell me the address of this guy!” The blonde growled out of breath.

-“Did he take Raven away?” - Lexa went outside.

-"Yes. Lexa, please, the address!"

-“You won’t go there alone, I’m not far, so I’ll be there in five minutes. Wait at the broken traffic light, I wiil be there now." Then Lexa pressed the end call button.

She didn't like that story at all. She didn’t give a damn about Raven, or even Clarke, but she had to do something and, for some reason, she even felt excitement, realizing the fact that such a girl as Clarke’s friend wouldn’t give herself to him and this could mean that...

***  
\- "I didn’t want to get her involved! Damn, you don't have any more acquaintances?"

-“Clarke, she knows all the drug addicts here! She will definitely help, especially if she comes, then everything will be normal."

-“Yes, I’ve already heard about her exploits,” the blonde clasped her head in her hands, she was afraid to think of something bad, was afraid to allow the thought that something terrible could happen to her friend.

-“I didn’t think you would need my help so soon,” Lexa paid the taxi driver and went to the girls, -“hi, Niylah.”

\- "Hi, Lexa. Well, I have to go.” Niylah somehow fussed and, smacking Clarke on the cheek, began to walk away for no reason.

\- "What do you mean have to go?" - Clarke was confused.

-“Let her go,” Lexa pointed at the car to Clarke, “until he leaves, sit down.”

Clarke looked at her new acquaintance, who left very quickly, but now wasn’t the time to go into the details of her sharp surrender.

-“Lexa, can he hurt her?” - Clarke fingered the phone and didn’t look at the brunette.

-“He can,” Lexa answered calmly, looking at something on her phone.

-“Well, he won’t… her ...” Clarke's voice trembled, and Lexa turned in her direction.

-“Clarke, let's get there, and we'll find out there, maybe he’s not at home at all and we will have to look for him for a long time. But I’m saying for sure, don’t expect anything good."

Clarke didn’t hear a gram of experience or sympathy in the brunette's voice. It was smooth and calm. Yes, and why would Lexa have to worry, Raven was no one to her ... But still to the blonde it seemed too cruel. To say something like that in such a tone, that something was definitely happening to Raven, which Clarke was even afraid to think about ...

The whole five minutes they were driving, the blonde looked at her feet and tried to pull herself together. Lexa meanwhile calmly looked out the window.

-“Stop around the corner,” the brunette asked the taxi driver and handed him twenty bucks. - "Come out. Could you not leave, we will back in five minutes."

The taxi driver nodded uncertainly.

Clarke walked behind the girl on her wadded legs. The house they approached looked abandoned as the building where she had met Lexa for the first time.

\- "Listen," - Lexa turned around, - "I need you to not get in the way if suddenly ... If we find her, we must do everything quickly. I am not a kung fu master, and I have nothing with me."

Clarke nodded. She realized what the girl had in mind and didn’t want to get into details, what Lexa didn't have with her, she didn't want to know. She even regretted that she had nothing with her. Clarke safely left her knife in her purse at work. And she was dressed in a short work top and short rag shorts, on which was the name of the club in which she worked. 

\- "I was told that you were a big shot here, do you really not even know how to fight?" Clarke asked quietly as they climbed the stairs.

-“I know how, Clarke, but I'm afraid that it’s not good enough to strike against a man whose strength and skills I don’t know idea.”

\- "He’s a junkie, even I can handle him."

Lexe braked and looked at Clarke.

-“Hardly, Clarke,” the brunette shook her head and, turning away, continued to move forward.

They went to the apartment, and Lexa pushed Clarke with a hand in the corner behind her, and she put her ear to the door and listened.

-“Very quickly, Clarke,” she whispered, and then took a step back, knocking the door down with all her strength.

There was a crack. The latch, with which the door was closed, flew off to the side, and Lexa very quickly ran into the apartment and began to look into the rooms.

Clarke ran after her. After a couple of seconds, a huge guy appeared from the last door. So big and strong that Clarke braked and clutched at the wall with her hand.  
In the twilight, his silhouette looked truly horrific. At that time, Lexa, after making two quick jumps, jumped up and with all her strength flew into his chest with her foot.  
The big man flew back and stamped into the wall. Lexa jumped and, hanging over him, grabbed his long hair, not giving him the opportunity to make a sound.  
The brunette with all her strength slapped his head against the wall, after which he slowly crawled to the floor.

Clarke stood with her mouth open, not daring to even breathe. If it weren’t for the effect of surprise, then Lexa would hardly have mastered such a huge guy.

The brunette entered the room and froze in the doorway.  
-“Clarke, I will need your help,” she whispered, and the blonde's heart seemed to stop at Lexa's voice.

Clarke came up and peered in from behind Lexa, then pushed her abruptly to the side and flew up to Raven, who was lying on the floor in torn clothes, all battered and without pants. Clarke, with shaking hands, shook Raven’s face and shouted her name. Lexa stood behind, then picked up Raven’s pants and handed them to Clarke, offering to put them on the girl. Clarke nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks, she had completely stopped thinking. Hysteria didn’t allow her to think rationally. She was just standing over her friend, sobbing.  
Lexa held Raven’s pants in her hands and looked at the blonde. Realizing that Clarke wasn’t able to help, she didn’t pull her and bring her to her senses, but simply decided to do everything herself. Clarke asked herself to calm down. She needed to come to her senses and do something urgently. She yanked herself and looked at Lexa, who raised Raven’s leg and tried to put her pants on. 

-“I ... I will help,” Clarke sat down closer and took her friend’s foot in her arms, lifting a little. Her eyes fell on the red spots of blood on the girl's thighs. Clarke let out a stifled moan.

-“Get yourself together and help me,” Lexa said.

After the pants were successfully on, Clarke grabbed Raven's legs and Lexa took the girl by the arms. They began to take her out of the apartment.

The girls were already at the door when a hissing voice was heard from behind.

-“Cerry, where are you taking my whore to?”

Clarke looked around, seeing the smirk on the guy’s face who was rubbing his head. Something in her snapped instantly. She gently laid her friend's feet on the floor and, despite Lexa's orders to move on, turned around and moved towards the guy who almost got up.

-“Damn you,” the brunette growled, still holding Raven.

Clarke jumped to the guy and began to punch him in the face with her fists. She beat him until he caught her hands and threw her aside. The blonde loudly imprinted herself on the wall and felt a grip on her neck. The air stopped flowing, she felt her face pouring blood. Just a little bit and he just ...

-" Let her go, now."

Clarke was already hard on hearing Lexa's voice, but the grip on her neck loosened a bit.

-“You're are nobody here, Cerry. You would go from here and take your whores, otherwise I'll fuck the second one now."

-“I said let her go, garbage.” The guy released Clarke and she, falling to her knees, grabbed her neck and began to clear her throat.

\- "Garbage means."

The blonde raised her head. The big man walked to Lexa, and she, in turn, backed away.

-“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Lexa answered rudely, but she stepped back from him.

-“You are nobody and nothing, nothing prevents me from putting you in your place,” the guy hissed.

Clarke began to look around. The first thing that caught her eye was a bottle of cheap whiskey, which was very weighty.

The guy clamped Lexa against the wall and swung, but, not calculating the trajectory, his fist was imprinted on the wall. Lexa tried to slip away from him, but it didn’t work out, he grabbed her by the neck and clamped her to the wall. Clarke no longer heard him growling in the brunette’s face. She heard only her heart, which was beating in her eardrum and was mixing with the hum in her ears. She had only one chance and if he didn’t chop off, then the three of them would be fucked. 

The guy, holding Lexa's neck, lifted her slightly above the floor. Clarke swung and hit him in the back of the head with the bottle. There was a dull sound, but the bottle remained intact. Clarke was sure that she wasn’t strong enough, or maybe she simply didn’t have the strength.  
Clarke froze with the bottle in her arms, looking at his back ... Expecting him to turn around and hit her with the same bottle. She waved and hit again.  
It seemed to her that it was all happening in her head, because the next thing she remembered was how Lexa pulled the bottle from her hand and pulled it forward. Everything Clark saw next was like a blurry picture. She vaguely remembers dragging Raven, getting into a car. No sounds, no voices, nothing. Only blurry frames flickering into consciousness.

She jerked in the car from a sharp beep.

They were already driving along the highway, and someone was signaling to them. Clarke began to look around.

-“It's okay, relax,” Lexa turned to her from the front seat.

-“I didn’t ...” the blonde's voice trembled.

-“No… I’m stunned even…” Lexa turned to the window.

Clarke saw Raven beside her.

-“We need to go to the hospital,” Clarke whispered faintly.

-“They won't help her in our hospital, Clarke, but we're going there, it's worth a try.”

-“No, Lexa, not ours. To the main hospital. We need to head downtown.

The brunette turned and looked carefully at Clarke.

\- "Take us to the city center!" the blonde said.

-“To the center,” Lexa nodded to the driver.

-“Forgive me,” Clarke whispered softly.

-“It happens,” the brunette answered without turning.

Clarke ran out of the car and, jumping towards the hospital, demanded Abigail Griffin to the parking lot and someone with a gurney.  
The blonde, clutching her head, watched as the doctors put Raven on a gurney. She ran after them, but Lexa at the entrance of the hospital slowed her down, grabbing her shoulder. She asked her to keep at least a little calm. And Clarke would have listened to her if her best friend and the closest person in the recent years hadn’t been lying on that gurney. Or maybe in her whole life, she’s never had anyone closer.  
Clarke completely refused to wait in the lobby of the hospital and, introducing herself as Abigail Griffin's daughter, demanded her mother on the first floor at the reception.

The blonde was walking in circles, while Lexa, pressing her back against the wall, calmly watched her.

Lexa understood her, and also understood that she herself was nobody and she was unlikely to be able to help more than she had already helped. She repaid her debt and could be free, but since the girl still had nothing to do, she decided that now she was at the right place. Or maybe she at some point decided that the debt would be paid back when Clarke was at home. Lexa herself didn't understand, she just stood and looked at how Clarke walked in circles and periodically clutched her head.

\- "Clarke! What are you doing here?" - a woman in a white coat approached the blonde.

-“Why it's so hard to get to you?” I need your help,” Clarke flew up to her and nearly knocked her down. -“ You must help me. ”

-“Firstly, don’t shout,” the woman looked around, “I’m the manager here and you attract unnecessary attention, and secondly, explain what you’re wearing?” - Abigail grabbed the blonde by the arm and dragged her towards the corridor.

-“You must help. Raven Reyes! She is my friend, she was beaten and raped! You must, you ...” Clarke yelled when the office door closed behind them.

-“Clarke, I don't owe you anything, I see you once every six months, and what do you wear? Why do you look like a whore?"

\- "Mother! Why does it matter what I’m wearing? I tell you that my friend got pumped up and ..."

\- "Your friend? Where did she come from and from which gate did you dragg her? Is this girl a lesbian too?"

\- "What are you talking about? It’s impossible to talk with you! And all that you ask is who is she! She was raped and she is my friend! Can you hear me at all?"

\- "Clarke! Do not yell at your mother! I asked you why are you wearing things like this and what kind of girl you brought here! What have you turned your life into? You have to go home! You roll down, you have already rolled so low, you… just look at yourself!"

-" God, it’s impossible to talk with you!" - Clarke yelled and jumped out of the office.

She ran along familiar corridors, she needed to urgently find where Raven was, she needed to find at least someone who knew about her friend's well-being.

Five minutes later, she was already standing in the office building by the ward, where Raven was lying on the table, and doctors were scurrying around.  
One of them turned and looked closely at Clarke, and then left the room.

\- "Clarke? What are you doing here?" - The man took off his mask and, clasping the girl by the shoulders, took her aside.

-“Marcus, my mother is in her repertoire, help me. This is Raven, she is my friend, she was pumped up and ..."

-“Clarke, if she is your friend, then I ... I would have taken care of her anyway, you know that we have the best first aid department. And we help everyone, even those people who do not have insurance. You have nothing to worry about."

-“I know, but I need ... I have to be sure what’s with her?”

\- "We examined her, I do not think that’s something serious. More precisely ..." - he was silent, -" this is serious, but doesn’t threaten her life. Only psychological trauma maybe. Clarke, does she have parents?"

-" No, her parents don't give a shit about her."

\- "Marcus, Clarke!" - Abigail ran up to them.

-“Marcus, please help her! Except for Raven, I don’t have any close people, you must, if ..."

-“Clarke, I will do everything in my power and even more, you can be calm.”

-“Thank you,” Clarke hugged her stepfather and began to leave, but her mother ran after her and started screaming at her.

Clarke quickly ran down the corridor, she didn’t want to talk anymore with her mother, not even for a minute.

-“Lexa, let's go, we're leaving,” Clarke flew up to the brunette and tugged at her forearm.

Lexa looked from Clarke to the woman who immediately ran up to them.

-“Clarke, we haven't finished! You won’t go anywhere! I didn’t let allow you to go! - Abby grabbed her daughter's hand and turned around.

\- "We finished! I counted on your help, but nothing has changed! You are always in your repertoire, you are not even able to talk normally for a minute!"

\- "I'm your mother, I'm worried! Who is this? Is she your friend" - Abby walked around Clarke and came closer to the brunette, - "Do you know where my daughter lives? Why is she dressed like a prostitute?”

-“Lexa, don’t pay attention to her,” Clarke grabbed the brunette by the arm and dragged her, -“Mom, we're leaving.”

-“No, Clarke, we are not finished,” Abby grabbed Lexa by the arm and turned her to her. The brunette calmly stopped and turned to Abby.

-“Your daughter is not a prostitute, she works in a cafe, I think she earns a living like that,” Lexa said with an eyebrow raised. “I know where she lives, but I don’t think I can tell you. This is up to you and your daughter,” Lexa replied calmly.

Clarke let go of her hand and stood by her side while Abby took in air for the following questions.

\- "Are you a lesbian too? Now Clarke is talking to people like,” Abby paused and gestured at Lexa, running her hand in the air over her silhouette.

-" Mother!" - Clarke screamed.

\- "What mom! Clarke, I’m even ready to come to terms with your orientation for that matter, but you have to go home! And don't talk to people like.” She glanced at Lexa.

\- "Like what?" - Clarke threw up her hands. - "She is an ordinary girl! Why do you always disgrace me in front of friends! It’s impossible to be with you for five minutes!"

-“I just want to know why you exchanged a good, wealthy life for a job in a brothel and chatting with ... look at your friend, she looks like ... I’ve given you everything, I’ve put all my life into you, all the forces. How did you pay me back?"

-“Lexa, let's go,” Clarke confidently pulled the brunette by the hand, not reacting to her mother, who ran to the door and continued to scream.

Clarke sat on the sidewalk of the hospital parking lot while Lexa was looking for a taxi that would agree to take them. She was able to find the driver only after about fifteen minutes for a double fee and prepay.

Clarke sat with her forehead buried in the cold glass of the car, and looked out the window.

-“Forgive me for ...” Clarke said, not looking at Lexa.

-“I really should change clothes,” the brunette answered indifferently.

-“No, you look fine,” Clarke turned,“ just grimly.” She looked around Lexa: a black sweatshirt, black jeans and her sneakers were also black. “It seems like you are in mourning and ...”

-“Clarke, everything's fine.”

-“You are very beautiful,” Clarke suddenly said, most likely in order to somehow smooth out the words of her mother, and even if Lexa didn’t show that Abigail’s words had hurt her.

Lexa turned and looked into sad blue eyes.

-“Thank you, but you should not worry about it.”

-" And also ... what she said about me, I ..."

-“I have no problem with this, Clarke, relax.” Lexa grunted and turned away.

Clarke was a little calmer at least that Lexa wasn’t homophobic and that it didn't scare her. Although why would Clarke care if something scared Lexa away or not.  
She just didn’t want to be alone now, and the blonde didn't know how to make Lexa not leave. Clarke for the first time realized that the brunette wasn’t unpleasant for her company or any other. For some reason, Lexa was empty and broken, which was visible in her empty eyes. Clarke didn't want to impose, but how could she be now all alone ... she also didn't know.

-“Lexa,” Clarke began quietly, and the brunette turned, -“I want to get drunk. I know that you don’t want to babysit me, and you owe me nothing, but ..."

-“I know a place to drink,” Lexa interrupted, and turned away again. Clarke exhaled softly. Good.

-“I wouldn’t turn your neck,” Lexa said suddenly, while Clarke emptied another glass of whiskey.

-“I know,” Clarke answered, chatting the ice in a glass, and then drank the contents, -“you wanted to scare me and you did it.”

-“You shouldn't bring anyone into your house, it doesn’t matter if it is a girl or a guy,” Lexa ordered another round.

The first half hour they sat silently, but the brunette decided to break the silence between them in a loud institution. For some reason, it seemed to her that Clarke should know that Lexa didn’t speak seriously in the kitchen.

-“I'm tired,” Clarke said quietly and looked at Lexa, -“I'm tired that everyone is saying how I need to think and how to behave. I’m tired that everyone thinks that people can't be helped, they think that nobody needs help, that everyone is for themselves. My mother was the first to say this to me. She was the head of surgery and told me that there was no way to save everyone. She's very cold, you know, Lexa? “

The brunette said nothing, knowing full well that Clark had already picked up on her drunkiness and if the girl decided to speak out, then she should let her.  
-“She told me all my life that to be kind is good, that helping animals and the weak is also good, and then when I ... She suddenly began to say that people could not be helped, that they themselves were spinning in their shit. Even Raven thought so" - Clarke took the glass from the bartender and began to drink it in one gulp - "I just don’t understand why. Why does everyone want to see only the bad, damn."

-“Clarke, you shouldn’t take alcohol like that.”

\- "And you, Lexa? You did a good deed today, is that bad? And don’t tell me that you did it just because you owed me. Just people can. They can, but ..."

-“Clarke, people can't. Not here. Not in our life."

-“I knew good people, Lexa. I'm not kind, no, no,” Clarke shook her head, 

-“I can be very ... I can even wish death to someone, I'm not kind, just when I see injustice or when someone offends the weak ... it always has been like this and ... I wished those people killed themselves. Does that make me a good person? - Clarke, swaying, turned to Lexa.

-“I don't know, Clarke. I think you're a good person.” Lexa, without looking at the blonde, took a sip.

-“Raven is good, she just hid it skillfully. People hide it so as not to seem vulnerable, it is easier to treat everything indifferently and to stay away. Raven is not like that. She wants to seem like that, but she ..."

-“Clarke, she'll be fine. It will be an injury, but she can handle it.” Lexa finally turned around, she did not know how to conduct such conversations, but something had to be answered.

-“I'm afraid that it will break her and she will completely close off ... She is good and kind ... She always protected me. I am afraid that she ..."

-“She's strong and she can handle it, Clark. Don’t drink anymore alcohol, I think that's enough for you. Let me take you home."

\- "Lexa, and you?'

\- "What about me?"

\- "Are you a good person?"

-“Hardly, Clarke. Come on, because your short shorts and your condition attract too much attention."

Clarke slid off the bar stool and, leaning onto Lexa, got to her feet. Before her eyes, the truth was already floating, she was starting to get nauseous.

***

-“You think I'm stupid,” Clarke whispered, closing her eyes and leaning her head back in the back seat of the taxi.

-“I think you're brave,” Lexa answered, looking out the window. “It ‘s snowing.”

-“And stupid,” Clarke relaxed a little and, sighing, laid on Lexa’s shoulder, which made the brunette suddenly paralyze and completely stop breathing.

Lexa slowly turned her head and, not breathing, looked at the blonde, who was already sniffing on her shoulder. Lexa raised her hand and, clenching her teeth, gently tried to raise Clarke’s head and shift it to the seat. But there was no way she succeeded.  
Clarke just got more comfortable and settled down, almost burying her head in Lexa's neck.

-“Damn,” the brunette hissed and, lowering her hand, stared at Clarke. She stared from an impermissibly close distance for her, but since the girl's eyes were closed, Lexa didn’t look away immediately, but began to examine her facial features. Her eyebrows, her nose, her lips. Lexa sighed and turned to the window. Today it was snowing for the first time in two years.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

Clarke opened her eyes, her head hurt terribly. It took her about three minutes to remember the events of last night. There was already light in the room, but how much she overslept she didn't know. She wasn't even fully sober. Everything was floating and the blonde was trying to focus her eyes. 

Lexa was standing close to closet and was looking at the photos there. She put one down and took another, then again stood and looked over it.  
Clarke rose a little and, putting her hand under her cheek, started to watch the brunette.

Lexa picked up a book from the shelf and opened it, began to turn the pages one by one. After, she took a second book and then did so with each book that was on Clarke’s shelf. When she was done, she put on her hood and turned around, but barely had she took one step, when she was faced with Clarke's gaze. 

-“Don't leave,” the blonde said quietly. She wasn’t sure of her request, but the aching pain in her chest didn’t allow her to remain silent. The girl was very afraid now to remain alone. 

-“I can't fall asleep,” Lexa answered and went to the door.

-“Please,” Clarke added faintly, and Lexa stopped, looking at the blonde.

-“I know that I am abusing your attention, but ... I don't want to be alone. I beg you. I just want someone around." Clarke continued.

-“I'll lie down in the kitchen,” Lexa answered, knowing very well that she wouldn’t fall asleep next to Clarke and, leaving the blonde alone when she asked not to, turned out to be more difficult than she thought.

\- "For how long have I been asleep?"

\- "About three hours."

-“All this time you've been ...” Clarke stood up.

-“I can't fall asleep when someone is around. My personal space ..."

Clarke silently looked at the brunette, who also was looking at her.

-“And if you’d ... just lie nearby? I’ll fall asleep, and then you can go into the kitchen ... I know I’m asking a lot of you and I understand that I’m a nobody, and indeed ... Damn," Clarke herself didn't understand why she was putting such pressure on someone who was a stranger to her. Lexa didn't care, but even realizing this, Clarke couldn't let her go. She just for a second imagined that she would be left alone and a lump formed in her throat.

Lexa stood still for a minute, watched the blonde, and after she went up and sat on the bed. She laid down slowly and, turning her back to Clarke, stared straight ahead. She could feel with her whole body that someone was lying next to her and this made her feel uncomfortable.  
Clarke stared at the brunette’s back for some time, then she laid a little more comfortably, moving closer to Lexa, almost burying her face in the other girl’s hair, and finally closed her eyes. 

An hour later, Lexa began to whine hellishly, she was feeling very uncomfortable. The girl turned on her back, and immediately the blonde's hand landed on her stomach.  
Lexa hissed and clasping her fingers around Clarke's wrist, removed the hand from herself. Then she turned and looked in her closed eyes. Clarke made smacking sounds, moved closer and threw her hand back on Lexa, almost leaning on her whole body.  
The brunette closed her eyes and exhaled loudly.  
She really wanted to sleep, it would be worth trying to fall asleep, but the sniffling in her ear made it impossible to even relax.

***

Clarke opened her eyes. She was sober now and her physical condition felt normal. She slept well. The girl jumped out of bed and, after she made sure that Lexa wasn’t in the apartment, she quickly changed her clothes. When she was finished, she pulled the bedclothes off and threw them into the basket.  
Clarke called Marcus and found out about Raven’s condition. He reassured her and said that physically the girl was safe and soon she could be taken home.  
A drug was found in her blood. Marcus said he informed Raven about how she ended up in the hospital and what happened. It turned out that Raven accepted everything more than boldly. Clarke calmed down a little, but she was alarmed by the fact that Raven didn’t seem to show signs of psychological trauma.

The blonde put down the phone and went into the hallway. She caught herself thinking that she was upset because Lexa left her so quickly.  
After all, she didn't even get to thank the girl for her help.

Clarke avoided meeting her mother when she took Raven from the hospital. Now they were driving in a car and Raven was looking somewhere on the floor.  
She refused to spend at least a couple more days in the hospital, and neither Clarke's persuasion nor Marcus's words could convince her. As she said, she got off only with shame and humiliation, nothing more. Clarke was afraid to bring out this topic, especially when a friend was trying so hard to hide her depressed state.  
They arrived at Clarke's home and, as if nothing had happened, Raven began to cook something in the kitchen.  
As if nothing had happened yesterday, as if today was a normal day and the bruises on her face and body were just from some petty street brawl.

-" Yes?" - Clarke picked up the phone when an unfamiliar number called her.

-“Clarke, this is Niylah, I wanted to know if everything is fine with you?”

\- "Where did you get my number from?"

-" The club manager is a good friend of mine, is everything okay? I’ve beat you off, if you want, you can take another day off today."

\- "Yes, everything is fine, thanks. Lexa helped me a lot."

-“I'm sorry I left so quickly. About Lexa ... Did you spend a lot of time with her?"

\- "Well, enough, but why? And I didn't understand why at the sight of her you ran away so quickly."

-“Clarke, I understand that we don’t know each other well and you aren’t a local girl, but you should know ... It’s better to stay away from Lexa.”

The blonde stiffened. She didn't like at all that Niylah began to speak in a similar tone about a person without whom she could not have made it through yesterday.

-“What is wrong with her?”

-“You know her past and ... In general, she had a difficult time a year ago, even less ...”

-“Niylah,” Clarke interrupted, -“listen, if something happened to her, then I think she will tell me, if she wants to, of course.”

-“No, Clarke, you don't understand. The fact is that you should stay away from her. I understand that I called her, but if you ..."

-“Niylah, I'm sorry, but I have to go,” Clarke quickly said goodbye to the girl, preventing her from saying anything more. She was annoyed enough by such an imposition. Yes, Clarke has already realized that Lexa had a dark past, everyone has a dark past in this area, so what? If something happened to her, she herself would tell her if they ever saw each other again. And something in Clarke knew that it would be so. 

\- "Who called?" – Raven came into the room.

-“You’d better not walk around the apartment like that. Raven, can you please go to bed? I'll cook us something to eat."

-“Clarke, I'm not weak, I have nothing broken except my pride. Don't worry, I can walk. So, who called?"

\- "Niylah, the girl from the club. She helped me find you, or rather ... In general, she saw who you left with and then called Lexa to find out the address of the guy."

-“Clarke, I never asked. How did you find me? Tell me.” Raven reluctantly sat down on the bed and prepared to listen. She didn’t want to remember last night, but she wanted to know how exactly Clarke was there and how she managed to get her out of there.

-“Clarke, I understand and I am very grateful to Lexa for her help, but ... you better not talk to her.”

-“Why are you all telling me the same thing? Is she a serial killer? You yourself said that she didn’t threaten me with anything and ..."

-“Clarke, this isn’t about her, the point is ...”

\- "I don't want to listen to anything!"

\- "No, you will listen! I know in advance what decision you will make, but I will tell you!" - Raven got up and got in the blonde’s way when she tried to leave the room.  
-“Lexa left the business very ugly, Clarke. I don't know the whole story, I know only one thing - that she is on the ignore list of the city. And in particular our area."

\- "What does it mean ‘she is on the ignore list’?" the blonde asked 

\- "This means that Mitchell, the man who protects and supplies drugs, will ruin the life of anyone who even speaks with Lexa. He has eyes and ears everywhere. That's all I know, why and what happened between them ... I have no idea."

\- "It’s the first time I hear that ... Isn’t it easier to kill her?"

-“No, he wants her to come back and this is his way to break her. Clarke, I just want you to know what you're doing and ... I know that you are stubborn and you will certainly ignore this information, but at least think about it before you bring her to your home next time.

\- "Raven! If it weren’t for her, then I wouldn’t have found you! If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have managed to save you, even if I had found!"

-“I understand and thank her for that!”

\- "Ray, I was very worried ... You are now trying to take care of me and protect me, but the only girl here who needs to be taken care of and be protected is you," - Clarke walked over to Raven and hugged her, but she flinched. Something in her broke for a second, and her body suddenly began to shake in the blonde’s arms. Clarke squeezed her friend even tighter.

They stood in the embrace until the very morning, and only when the rays of the morning sun hit the window did the girls manage to fall asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

Raven went to work a day later and returned home at noon. Clarke didn't ask questions and didn't try to get into the soul of the proud girl. If at first Raven smiled and tried to show by her appearance that she was fine, that she just needed to stay a little at home, then she soon gave up. After all, to whom should she show what was really going on in her soul, except Clarke? The blonde was the only person in her life with whom she could be herself, and in the end, Raven accepted it. She was crying and Clarke was there, hugging her friend. Silently, without words. What words could help Raven in this situation? All Clarke could give her was to be there and take care of her.

A week later, Clarke managed to get her friend out of the house. They agreed to come to Niylah for a party, and strangely enough, but the girls fit in perfectly there.  
To Clarke's surprise, Niylah's friends turned out to be very friendly people. They immediately surrounded the girls, not letting them get bored for a minute. 

Raven also had friends, but over the years, she realized that their views on life became completely different. If it weren’t for Clarke, Raven would have communicated with them, allowing her company to pull her into the swamp. But only thanks to the arrival of the blonde in her life, Raven did have other life values. Raven also began to save money for studies, not in such an expensive institution as Clarke, but the college where she wanted to go could give Raven a good future. 

All night, Clarke caught Niylah’s eyes on her, she tried to be unobtrusive, but she didn’t succeed. Clarke took increased attention to herself and she was pleased. Moreover, Niylah wasn’t an assertive girl, rather, she showed her interest in the form of questions and concerns. At first glance, it might seem that this was simply hospitality and elementary courtesy, but the look wasn’t at all ambiguous. Niylah liked Clarke, and the blonde was ready to accept it, because Niylah was pleasant to her too.  
They didn't get to flirt, at some point Clarke caught herself thinking that she would like Niylah to be bolder, but Clarke herself didn't take the initiative. Her thoughts, after all, were more about Raven and her comfort in someone else's company. 

Everything was fine that night. Only with the exception that the company began to discuss Lexa in the morning. The blonde didn't hear anything bad, but perfectly, judging by the conversations, she realized that these people used to be her good friends. Those friends who turned away from her. Clarke thought it was none of her business and not her place to judge, and besides, she didn't know the whole story. But honestly, she wanted to know, but not from these people. They said something about Lexa’s brother, Clarke only gathered that he wasn’t alive. The blonde was embarrassed by one thing. Judging by their conversations, Lexa lived on the street.  
They discussed everything and couldn’t understand where Lexa took a bath and where she took clean clothes from, because she didn’t appear to have a home. 

Clarke went to another room and Raven followed her. Raven immediately caught Clarke's eye and realized that she wasn’t very pleased to hear that. Raven also understood that, for some reason, Lexa became to Clarke not so indifferent, and Raven herself was grateful to Lexa for her help. They then sat in silence and the only thing Clarke asked was whether it was true that Lexa had been living on the street all this time. Raven answered a short “yes” and didn't delve into this topic further.

Clarke returned to work, a week off was in her advantage, and her physical condition returned to normal. The bruises she had under her eyes disappeared, the girl gained weight a little. She and Raven constantly ate and the two kilograms the blonde got back hid a little her ribs, which had already been sticking out like she had been anorexic. Clarke knew she couldn’t rejoice these facts for long, because soon the bruises would return to her and she would continue to lose weight further. Although she could have avoided both, if she had paid more attention to herself and her health.

Niylah frequented the club. She appeared there almost every night and the only question that Clarke had was if the girl even worked? To allow yourself to drink expensive cocktails and hang out here almost every day? As it turned out, Niylah worked. She was a web designer, her work was remote. A new friend of Clarke came to the club on weekdays alone. Sat down at a table closer to the bar and kept her eyes on Clarke. They laughed, and this conversation happening between their eyes lifted their spirits, and for Clarke the night passed faster and with a smile on her face. 

Clarke also often thought about Lexa. She was always casting glances at the entrance of the establishment, hoping that maybe the brunette would decide to come here again.  
Clarke caught the eyes of people who were wearing black hoodies. Every day, Clarke remembered less and less about Lexa, but for some reason she could not forget her entirely.  
This silent and somehow killed girl sunk into Clarke’s soul, and she couldn’t throw her out of her thoughts.

***

All these two weeks, Lexa stupidly existed, however, her existence was the same as the last months. The hole in her chest was still there, or rather, it had created a void in which the girl preferred to dissolve. Do not think, do not feel, do not worry. Close all emotions somewhere inside and do not allow yourself to turn out everything that was diligently hidden.  
The brunette never gave emotions a way out, because she knew how all this could end. She was like a vessel filled to the brim. As a vessel that will certainly explode, you only need to give it more pressure. Lexa sat on the roof of the building and, dangling her legs, looked at the night sky. No lights, no sounds, no rustle, just frightening silence, frightening, probably, for everyone else, but not for Lexa. She loved such places, or rather, she got used to them. Used to being alone and listening to silence. Got used to being silent for a long time, looking away into the distance. This, in her opinion, helped. Sometimes the girl broke down and emotions slipped, reminding her that she was a human being. That she did indeed tend to feel. But she immediately prevented this, preferring to accumulate everything in herself than to give it a way out.

Today, for some reason, the stream of thoughts in her head was too chaotic, not allowing Lexa to take and block the emotions. She was thinking about her brother again.  
She was thinking about what she could do and what she didn’t have time for. The brunette slowly got up and took a deep breath, covering her eyes. Everything around was just as silent, only there was a hellish hum in her head, as if someone was whispering in her ear. No, not whispering, but chattering. Still, nobody was near. Lexa opened her eyes, everything inside burned and crushed.

-“Fuck, I can’t take it anymore," the brunette said in a whisper, and with a quick step went to the fire escape. She went down and jumped over the steps, completely forgetting that the height here was ten floors. It didn’t matter. Going down, she followed the lane, then turned and found herself on such a painfully familiar road. Three hundred meters and she would be in place.  
Walking close to the high-rise building, Lexa turned her gaze almost to the top floor. She got dizzy. With quick steps, the girl flew into the porch and five minutes later stood at that very door.  
Lexa touched the pen and squeezed, feeling an incredible coldness. It was evident that the door wasn’t closed. The feeling of trembling in her whole body only interfered, no, she needed to pull herself together. Lexa pushed the door forward a little, but before that her gaze caught on the walls. They were scratched, some strange inscriptions that didn't exist before. She ran her hand over the concrete and hung for a couple of minutes. Then she took a breath and, gathering her thoughts, stepped inside.

She slowly closed the door behind her and went into the depths of the apartment. There was broken glass everywhere, similar to the one from the windows. Bookshelves were turned upside down, cabinet doors were wide open. The curtains were all rugged, burgundy fabric was scattered everywhere. There was so much sand on the floor, as if a hundred people had been inside. She covered her eyes and clenched her fists, digging her nails into the skin. Usually causing physical pain to herself helped to get rid of emotions that climbed into her head and interfered. It switched her to the fact that she was in pain. But it didn’t hurt inside. Now it didn’t work. Lexa began to slowly back away until she collided with a cold wall. She passed her hand, and the nasty feeling of crushed concrete cut her finger. The girl slowly looked down to the side and noticed a photograph. She carefully lifted it and froze.

\--------------------  
-“Lexa, damn, I can't right now, I'm busy,” Mike held the vase with one hand, and with the other tried to reach the tap to open the water. Lexa was reaching for him with the phone at that time.

-“Bore, let me capture the moment when my brother gave me such a gorgeous bouquet,” the brunette extended her hand with the camera and pinched Mike so that he looked in her direction, - "Come on, smile!" The guy smiled and turned his head, Lexa immediately took a couple of shots.

-“Miiiike, look,” Lexa turned the phone to his face.

-“Damn, I look like an idiot here,” Mike laughed, peering at the screen.

-“Stop it, it's very funny,” the brunette laughed and, putting the phone in her pocket, kissed her brother on the cheek, - "Well, let's go? We need to be at my friend in an hour, by the way, I told her a lot about you. Look, don't let me down," Lexa winked at him and threatened him with her finger, and then laughed and patted her brother on the shoulder.

-“As you say, miss,” Mike put the vase with the flowers on the table. Embracing his sister by the shoulders, they left the kitchen.  
\--------------------

Lexa smiled as if this was happening now. But as soon as she opened her eyes and saw a ripped apart apartment, the smile instantly disappeared from her face.  
The girl turned over the photograph, on the back of which was written: «To the most harmful brother in the world. By the way, I already posted a copy of the photo on Facebook. Don't thank me». Inside her, everything seemed to break off in a second.

Lexa kept it all in herself for too long. But now she was giving in to the weakness, because there was no strength left for her to cope. There was always an extreme point, it was just a matter of time.  
The pain of loss, anger from impotence and anger at herself from what she couldn’t, didn’t prevent. That she allowed this to happen ... The brunette stood, clenching her fists, not having a clue what to do, how to get rid of this feeling, how to drown out those damn emotions again. She grabbed her head and, looking around, noticed an empty bottle in the corner.

Strange thoughts ran through her head. Her heart pounded madly in her chest. Having overcome the distance in two steps, she grabbed the bottle and threw it into the wall with force.  
It scattered around with a loud screech. The girl ran to the surviving regiments and began to dump everything that came across in her way to the floor. Breathing heavily, she turned and stared straight at the huge cupboard in the corner of the room. She froze, and her strength left her. There were still the stickers that Mike always used to put on this cabinet, saying that it made it “beautiful”. Lexa hated those stupid drawings, but now they were the most beautiful to her. She came closer and laid a hand over the old and already faded stickers. Everything rolled up inside her, and she closed her eyes as tight as she could. After a couple of minutes, she took a step back, still not taking her eyes off of them. She recalled that she and her brother had, in this very closet behind a double wall, an expensive cognac that had been presented to Mike for his birthday, brought by a friend from a suburb in France. He stood there for a special occasion, which ultimately never happened.

The brunette came up again and pushed the door open, then slightly tilted the panel inside and, pulling up her hand, took out plywood, behind which stood a bottle.  
She reached forward and, clutching the neck of the bottle with her fingers, pulled out the alcohol. Clutching a photograph in one hand, and opening and releasing the bottle from the wrapper with the other, the girl leaned the bottle to her lips and took a long sip. The burning liquid immediately warmed up her throat and, grimacing, Lexa looked again at the photograph in her hand. Then followed a second sip, then a third, a fourth and consciousness began to fog. She no longer remembered how she left the apartment.

Half the bottle was already empty. Anger and pain rolled inside her every second. Catching a taxi, the girl told the driver the address of the nearest club, so as not to stumble along the street with a bottle alone. At first, the taxi driver didn't want to carry her, referring to the girl’s particularly violent behavior. But Lexa just didn't get out of the car, insisting on her own. As a result, the man gave up and drove her.

Leaving the car and not paying, but only throwing a couple of obscene phrases to the driver, the girl quickly disappeared around the corner. A minute later she was already standing in front of the club’s doors. Looking at the bottle and then back at the door, Lexa took a confident step forward, throwing the already empty bottle somewhere to the side. 

Around it was so noisy and voices hellishly pressed in her ears, as soon as Lexa crossed the threshold and ended up inside. Seeing a lot of people, Lexa laughed, knowing full well that half would now just step aside. Away from her. As soon as she appeared in sight, then immediately everyone began to part and step back.  
Lexa laughed and got angry even more; controlling the outbursts of aggression and hysteria was clearly a hard thing to do. The guy opposite Lexa stood and looked at her, literally not taking his eyes off. She wanted to go and hit him.

\- "Fuck, what are you watching? " Lexa said in syllables, - "go." The guy hesitated and moved to the opposite corner. The girl grunted and heard a familiar voice through dozens of others. She turned around and immediately noticed Niylah at the bar. A minute later, she saw Clarke nearby, laughing at the top of her lungs.

Lexa clenched her fists and walked quickly to her friend, grabbed her by the shoulder and turned her around.

\- "Friend, will you treat me a cocktail? Or do you need to leave again?"- the brunette hissed, smiling maliciously and watching as the girl swayed back in fright.

-“Lexa, I,” Niylah muttered something inaudibly, it was difficult to make out, given that there were a lot of people in the room and voices were heard from everywhere.

\- "Yes, yes, you need to urgently go, I’ve already heard it," - Lexa scrolled a finger in the air and laughed, - "who else needs to leave here? Prrr. Please everyone to exit," the brunette shouted in an elevated tone, addressing everyone. 

Silence fell, almost everyone considered it their duty to drill a hole in Lexa with their own eyes. 

Clarke all this time, too, didn't take her eyes off Lexa, running her eyes across the girl’s face. Coughing, she said:

-“Lexa, are you drunk? Is everything okay?"

Lexa squinted and defiantly rolled her eyes, rubbing her temples.

-“Let's serve the customers,” the brunette smirked and, going to the bar, turned around to the blonde, - "Well? How long should I wait? Where’s the complaints book?" Lexa laughed again and rested her elbows on the counter, holding her head.

Clarke looked at Niylah, as if she could be able to explain something. But she was like a blank sheet, nothing could be read in her eyes and on her face at all.

-“Lexa, are you alright?” - Clarke leaned slightly towards the brunette.

-“I don’t understand, will someone pour me a drink in this shitty club or not?” Lexa shouted to no-one in particular, and then looked at the blonde, who froze and carefully with an open mouth looked at Lexa, - "Well, what are you staring at me? Will you pour me a drink? In the end, this is your job! Quicker!"

\- "Lexa!" - Niylah suddenly said, -“Don't you dare talk to her like that,” the girl growled.  
-“Oh, are you still here?” - Lexa turned to her and grinned, - "and I thought you were already blown away," - the brunette laughed. - "So what about whiskey, Clarke? Are you always so slow?" Lexa returned to the blonde, who was still standing and not moving.

-“I warn you the last time if you continue to talk to her in that tone,” Niylah took a step toward Lexa.

-" Then what? "- The brunette got up from the bar stool.

-“No one will protect you. I understand everything, Lexa, but she is not guilty for your troubles!"

-“Niylah, quietly, I ...” Clarke reached out a hand through the counter and touched her friend's shoulder. “If Lexa wants a drink, I'll pour her.”

-“Thank you,” the brunette threw dryly and staggered a little, looking back at Clarke.

\- "I do not understand!" - suddenly a loud voice was heard and Clarke jerked. It was the voice of her boss, with whom Clarke had trouble and a friend of Niylah.  
-"Cerry, what are you doing here? You are an unwanted guest, come on, get out." The blonde froze with a bottle of whiskey in her hands.

-" Oh, and here the queen of this brothel herself appeared, I came to drink, they will serve me and then I will leave."

-“No one will serve you. Clarke, put the bottle down. And you, Lexa, get out. You have a minute or I will call security."

-“Call,” Lexa looked at Clarke, who was staring at her.

-“Sorry, no need to call anyone,” Clarke jerked and stood between her boss and the panic button. -“She's leaving now.”

-“Griffin, I don't get it.” the boss said.

-“She's not going anywhere,” Lexa said about herself.

Clarke began to go around the bar and went out. While everyone was watching her, she went to Lexa and pulled her hand.

-“Let's go outside, I beg you,” the blonde whispered in a barely audible voice, and Lexa, who was preparing to take her hand away, suddenly closed her mouth and looked into Clarke's eyes.

-“Clarke, what are you doing,” Niylah pulled her toward herself and whispered in her ear, -“you should not go anywhere with her, you should not be with her at all.”

-“Niylah, you might not know, but this isn’t your business. And I can figure out myself with whom I should leave, and with whom not. Let me go,” the blonde said through gritted teeth. -“Katherine, I’m going for a smoke,” she waved to the manager and dragged Lexa away from the club.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

-“Would you throw something from the above,” the brunette said casually, trying in every possible way to show that this was just a remark, not a concern.

-“I'm hardened,” Griffin answered just as harshly and turned around the corner after Lexa.

-“Your business,” Lexa stood with her back to Clarke.

The blonde went around her, she really wanted to check something, or rather, the recently received information that Lexa was living on the streets.

Clarke came close, confusing the brunette, who jerked back and crashed her back into the concrete wall of the building.

-“Don’t be afraid, I don’t bite either,” Clarke said dryly and reached for the girl’s forehead. She quickly touched and removed her hand.

Lexa frowned.

-“I don't use the needle if you wanted to find out.”

-“No, I’ve never thought that,” Clarke answered calmly. She really didn’t think that Lexa’s temperature was due to heroin. It's just that if a brunette wasn’t living in a warm place, and more recently, she had such a temperature, then how was she still standing on her feet?

Clarke sat on the curb and smoked. She looked at the smoldering cigarette in her hand, while Lexa stood with her back to her.

The cigarette was almost finished, Clarke gained strength and whispered as she exhaled:

-" Lexa ..."

-“You could ask your new friend,” the brunette answered quietly.

-“I wanted you to ... Raven told me something, but I want you to know, that ...”

Lexa turned to the blonde and Clarke raised her head, looking into her eyes.

-“Forgive me, to be honest, I would the least of all want to hurt you. You don’t have a place here at all,” Lexa sighed, sat next to her and, looking somewhere in front of her, continued, - "you moved to the wrong place, there is no light, no life. If suddenly you think that ..."

-“Tell me,” Clarke raised her hand and touched the girl’s forearm, Lexa looked down at Clarke’s trembling hand due to the cold and looked into the blonde’s eyes.

-“I allow you to ask Niylah, Clarke. I don't know how to pour out my soul like that, honestly. Not because of you," Lexa slightly reached for Clarke and she raised her eyebrows. -"I want to answer you, but I don’t know how."

\- "Start with something. I don't want to listen from someone else ... Lexa, you need to talk it out. If it's because of me, then ..."

-“Clarke, believe me, if I need to speak out, then you are the only person I would like to tell and ... I just don’t have the strength.”

\- "Ok, what if I help?"

-“You have to go,” Lexa turned away, -“you are trembling. You constantly run out in the streets underdressed."

-“I won't go anywhere until I'm sure that you won’t do anything to yourself. You have a temperature and your eyes are red ..."

-“If only I had the courage to do something to myself,” Lexa grinned.

\- "Don't you dare say that!" Clarke removed her hand and turned away, - "don't you dare."

-“I'm sorry,” Lexa moved slightly, reducing the distance between them. She became warmer, the alcohol had weathered a little, she caught herself thinking that next to Clarke she was warmer. Was it worth it now to hold the defense or was it rather worth talking things out ...

Clarke was shivering from the cold and Lexa glanced at her. It was December and it was cold enough this year. The brunette took off her sweatshirt and threw it onto Clarke’s shoulders.

-“I'm in a sweater, don’t worry,” Lexa smiled, and Clarke was taken aback. It was the first time she saw a smile on Lexa’s face. Beautiful. Smiling suited her. - "What's wrong with you?"

\- "You’re smiling. Have I already told you that you are beautiful?"

-“God, Clarke, stop it.” Lexa smiled even wider. - "Thank you, you are also very beautiful.” Clarke turned away, trying to hide her embarrassment.

-“How did you become ... I don't know how to name it. A dealer?"

Lexa suddenly laughed.

-“Well, you could call it that,” Lexa stretched her legs forward, -“by accident. I was an ordinary punk. Me and my brother. He is three years younger than me and we have been in the system ... the social services gave me an apartment at eighteen and then I took my brother with me as my responsibility. We had to earn money, but we didn’t have good education so we had several types of jobs and not one of them ..."

-“I get it,” Clarke smiled. She noticed from the intonation of Lexa’s voice that she had relaxed. Clarke was finally able to let go of the tension between them.

\- "In general, I was a girl who would snoop around the yards and pushed drugs. Then it so happened that I met a girl," Lexa was silent and, taking Clarke's cigarette, continued, - "she was rich, I noticed then that there was no place for people like her. But it turned out that she lived here. I pushed her hash and after, her dad pressed me. I then almost put my pants on when I found out that this dad was keeping the entire drug business in our state. Well, his daughter defended me, she said that I had no idea who she was. But, in fact, everyone knew her and would not sell her donuts, but I just ... it doesn’t matter. To make it shorter. We started dating and ... she began to promote me in this business." Lexa was silent and took a couple of puffs, - "my brother was then fifteen, I tried to protect him from all of that and he understood. Mike was very bright. Like you,” Lexa looked at the blonde, - "all the time he was talking about a bright future, believed that our life was more than this concrete box and he ... he was my light. He didn't let me go to the bottom and get lost in the drug business and… We were, as he believed, together against the world. Like I’ll play a cool one, I will save up money in this way and we will dump this shit after that. He managed to inspire me with this idea. I've been working a lot. No, I didn’t sell drugs in the corners; rather, my responsibilities included negotiations and other deeds. As Eva's father believed, I have a phenomenal memory, I am also very attentive and incredulous. It's hard for me to ride on my ears and ..."

Lexa's voice was already peppy. She really felt better, although she didn't get to the point. When it would come, the smile would surely disappear.

-“You smile when you talk about your brother.”

-“Yes, he is my ... he was my life, Clarke. In general, so life went on. Four years passed and ... Eve and I had problems. In fact, at first I liked it, the first couple of months, well ... a relationship, something new in my life. And then I realized that the relationship wasn’t mine at all. All I wanted was to save up money and leave with my brother. Eve demanded a lot of attention to herself. No, it wasn’t a lot, it was normal for a relationship. I just couldn't give it ..."

\- "Maybe you didn’t love her?"

\- "It seemed like love to me. Well ... the feelings were, just not as deep as she would have wanted. She humbled herself and then four years later she exploded. It was strange, it seemed to me that this would have happened sooner. I didn't stay with her at night and all this hug ... romance and stuff, all this is not for me. But she accepted it, and I relaxed. I was wrong. Then I started cheating on her. Damn, this relationship was choking me. I couldn’t be in it anymore, I was just afraid of her father and knew if I were to abandon his daughter, my brother and I would be dead. Well, I didn’t quit. And then, when I had a conversation with her father, I ... I got scared and tried to get her back. She accepted me, and just at that moment they found out that I was cheating."

Lexa was silent, and Clarke looked at her carefully, pondering what she had heard.

-“Have you only cheated on her or in all your past relationships?” Clarke asked cautiously, not knowing exactly why.

\- "In general, it seems to me that all these serious attachments are not for me. I feel suffocated by them. Even when I cheated and began to put pressure on me, I gave back. Well, you know ..."

-“Private space,” Clarke added quietly.

\- "Yes exactly. Well, supposedly..."

\- "I understand, don't go deeper into this." Clarke interrupted her. The blonde herself was shocked of the fact that she was hurt by these words. Why was it like that suddenly? Why was it unpleasant to hear, what was Lexa causing in her?

\- "Is everything okay?" Lexa asked.

-“Yes, yes, go on,” Clarke forced a smile and Lexa seemed to believe her.

\- "With Mike it was different, with him I was ready to live my whole life and give all the attention only to him. Is it strange? It’s just ... I don’t know how to explain it, but everything that people demanded of me, I could give only to him. And I tried ... He was such a sissy, so vulnerable. He was a boy, but he behaved ... He was too good for this world. He looked after his girlfriend so beautifully that anyone would have envied him, a romantic devil."

Clarke realized that Lexa had reached the climax of the story. Lexa had the strength to say it out loud, she just needed to give her a minute.

\- "Then Eve's father smashed me, he screamed, threatened my life, the life of Mike. He screamed and demanded that I should be on my knees begging his daughter to forgive me. We swore very much, I freaked out and angry left him. I was shaking with anger. I felt like I was in a cage and now with everything ... I thought I would finally be free from Eve, and here I was, having to beg for her forgiveness. I was deprived of a choice that, as it turned out, I had not had since the very first day."

***

\- "Sis, take me out of the simulator, I seem to have injured my leg."

\- "Mike, come out yourself. I'm don't have time for you!" growled Lex into the phone.

The young man was silent. For the first time he heard Lexa talking rudely to him.

\- "Lexa, what happened? Well, if you can’t take me, then I’ll do it myself ..."

\- "Yes, be so kind! Already an adult, and here I was babysitting you as a child! Call a taxi!"

\- "Lexa, I love you. Whatever happens, I ..."

\- “That's it, I have no time, let's chat at home,” Lexa threw up her phone.

Lexa was under the pill and had fun in the company of an attractive girl when her phone rang. Everything was floating before her eyes, a blissful smile was spread across her face.  
Lips caressed alien hot tongue. Lexa launched one hand into the girl’s short shorts, and the other picked up the phone.

\- "What do you need?"

\- "Lexa! Mike, Lexa, come to the square!"

\- "What? Niylah, I can't hear you, what's wrong with him?" the brunette threw herself off the girl and, staggering, began to look for a place in the club, where it would be at least a little quieter.

\- "Lexa, to the square!"

From the scream of her friend, the blood in her veins became cold. The funnel spun all the senses through the insides of the brunette.

***

\- "Our main square, where hundreds of people go ... He was stabbed with a knife in the middle of the day. He was walking with a friend, and his friend was a drug addict and a debtor. Mike often asked me to cover for him, to cover his ass and I helped. They should have put him on the knife, and Mike intervened. His friend immediately ran away. After he begged Mike to forgive him ... then he ran away and didn't help. He recently died of an overdose. I want to believe that God exists."

Clarke had not been breathing for a couple of minutes, her heart was beating through time. She felt so weak now, why did she ask Lexa to tell her if she couldn't help with anything? She was silent and was listening. She was clipping her lower lip with her teeth so as not to cry. She felt sorry for Lexa with all her heart. The feeling of powerlessness paralyzed her.

\- "Nobody helped him. He was bleeding, but no one helped him. After, someone told me that he walked and pushed people, asked them to call an ambulance. Everyone shied away from him. He asked, do you understand, Clarke? I imagine my brother who walks and pulls people, asks for help, and they are avoiding him like the plague ...This was said to me by a girl who from afar noticed a strange guy who tried to catch passers-by. Then, according to her, the guy fell and ... she only then began to cross the square to approach. Then Niylah appeared with her friends. It was late. I arrived, and he was already dead. My brother twenty minutes asked for help, Clarke. Twenty minutes that could have saved his life, but they didn't, because not a single person looked in his direction." 

Lexa was silent. Clarke didn't dare to move.

-“It's not your fault,” whispered Clarke.

-“I don’t blame myself, he knew that I loved him ... he knew. You can endlessly say «if ...», but that is not the point. It's about the people he loved. He loved people who pushed him away as that drug addict. When I was in your kitchen, you reminded me of him ... his outlook on life. I wanted to scare you so much that you realized that no one is worth your kindness, help and love."

-“You're worth it,” Clarke said quietly.

Lexa jerked and opened her mouth. The brunette realized that Clarke had returned to the moment and that Lexa was the very “plague” that Clarke could brush off, but she helped her.

\- "Why?" Lexa leaned a little to look in the shining blue behind the tears.

-“First out of stupidity, because I ... well, always like that. I do, I feel sorry for the person, I don't think about myself. And then…"

\- "Griffin! Take your things! You are fired!"

Clarke and Lexa jumped. The club manager was standing behind.

-“Catherine, she’s coming back now, it’s my fault, she’s here ... I kept her occupied!”

-“Lexa, you knew the rules. You knew how this girl would end up around you. Griffin, you need to pick up your things right now."

Clarke stood with her mouth ajar, while Lexa tried to convince her boss not to take her job from Clarke.

-“I promise I won't approach her again. Don't be a monster, I will leave and that's it." Lexa said.

\- "Ok. Clarke, get quickly back inside to work." the boss said.

\- “No,” Clarke whispered softly.

\- "What do you mean by no?" the boss shook her head in confusion.

\- "Lexa, I ..." Clarke started

The brunette didn't let her finish and, grabbing her hand, dragged her to the side.

-“Clarke, don't do stupid things. Do you need this job or not?"

-“Yes,” Clarke answered quietly.

\- "Then don't be stupid and return to your workplace." The brunette said.

-“Lexa, I don't want you ... you’ll disappear then,” Clarke sharply looked up at brunette.

-“But ... you,” Lexa began to move her lips, not understanding what to say, -“it will be better for you and me.”

-“Not for me,” Clarke lowered her gaze and gently touched the brunette’s wrist with the index finger.

\- "Griffin! Now! Lexa, get out! Don't ruin this girl’s life!"

-“Lexa,” Clarke looked up.

-“Clarke, this is selfishness on my part. I can’t," Lexa managed to sober up a little, but it was extremely difficult to gather her thoughts and cut into what was happening. If she had been sober, then she could have gathered herself together to turn around and leave. But now she stood and felt Clarke's warm finger on her hand, unable to take any step.

-“Don’t go away, I’ll take my things,” Clarke took off the sweater and gave it to the brunette, -“this is just a job, Lexa.”

With these words, she went with the manager towards the club, and Lexa continued to stand, not moving and looking at nothing in particular.

***

-“Clarke, you're nuts!” Growled Raven, pinching the blonde in the kitchen.

-“Raven, you’d better sleep! I'll figure it out myself,” Clarke took the medicine out of the locker.

-“Is she worth it? Gratitude and all that, I understand, is true! But you will lose everything! Just think about it! She’s nobody to you!"

\- "Raven!" - Clarke put the glass that she just took out and turned to her friend, - "you were nothing to me too! Or have you forgotten? Do you remember yourself at all? You hit me then when I tried to treat your wound! Insulted me and nevertheless I tolerated you, because ... I can’t explain it! I just felt hooked by you and that feeling crushed any pride I had! As you see, it’s not in vain."

-“Clarke, I didn’t mean it ... Okay, okay, we are different, I don’t know how to feel pity the way you do. I don’t understand you much, but ..." 

-“It's not pity,” Clarke turned away again and, raising her glass, froze, -“not pity ... Yes, I sympathize with her, but ...” Clarke turned and looked at Raven, -“I like her, ”the blonde added quietly and Raven opened her mouth.

-“So, wait,” Raven began to rise from the sofa, -“like her in the sense of ...”

-“When I look at her,” Clarke continued quietly, -“when I dragged her home, she slept with me ... I looked and even back then I noticed, and then ...”

-“Damn, Griffin, no,” Raven took the glass from her, turned the blonde to face her and whispered in her ear so that, God forbid, Lexa, who was in the room, would hear, -"you can imagine what will happen if you fall in love with her ?"

-“She told me everything. I imagine Raven, but I can’t help myself, I look at her and ... fuck, nonsense, don’t listen to me,” Clarke began to quickly collect a bag of medicine from the table and, grabbing a glass, poured warm water into it, - "damn, when I said it out loud ..."

-“Griffin, fuck,” Raven, wide-eyed, landed back on the sofa, -“we got into a mess.”

-“Not us, but me. I'll go, go to bed.” Clarke turned and began to leave the kitchen.

\- "We, Clarke! What is important to you is important to me. Remember that and ...” Raven stopped her, grabbing her wrist. -"What does she? ”

\- "And what does she what? She doesn't know and shouldn't know, I don't want to scare her away."

\- "You mean..."

-“I want to be her friend, I can be just a friend to her,” Clarke said quietly and left the kitchen.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

-"Will you give me a towel?" Lexa stood by the window and looked over the city.

-"Why are you ... well, you have a home," Clarke began. She went to the table and started to pour the powder into a glass of water - "I just heard that you were homeless and ..."

\- "There are some brother issues. I have no strength, Clarke." Lexa turned.

-"But you ... you don't look dirty. Besides, if all this time you really had been on the street or somewhere in the hallways, you would have already picked up a bunch of diseases." Clarke said.

\- "I have a friend, he gave me the keys to his apartment. Sometimes I went to him, took a shower and even slept for a couple of hours. Not often, so as not to harm him and ... As you can see, I still stand on my feet." Lexa answered.

-"Weakly standing," the blonde grinned.

-"I haven't sobered up yet." 

-"May I look at the scratch on your lip," Clarke began cautiously, holding out a glass to the brunette. Lexa took a sip and looked carefully at the blonde.

\- "It has turned red, it shouldn't be so. I don't want to impose ..."

-"It's okay," Lexa smiled. I saw your books, do you want to be like your mother?"

-"No," Clarke winced and went to bed. Lexa watched her go while taking a sip - "not like my mother, but yes, I want to become a surgeon. I had been trying to save money for it and ... now it doesn't matter."

-"Sorry," Lexa looked away.

\- "It's not your fault. Even if I had stayed to work there ... I would have to plough for education another year without days off. It was naive of me to believe that I could stand it. And besides, when I began to study, I wouldn't have a job so that I could save money for the second year."

Lexa said nothing and, having finished her drink, set the glass on the table.

\- "A clean towel is in the bathroom. And change clothes ... look in the closet, maybe something will suit you."

Lexa went to the other end of the room and opened a large cupboard, then froze. A guitar stood in front of her eyes.  
She reached out with her hand, and the sound of the strings came from the closet. Lexa turned her head to Clarke.

-"I hope you won't ask me to play now," Clarke laughed.

-"Not now, but I would listen," the brunette smiled.

Lexa delved into the closet and eventually fished out blue sweatpants and a white sweatshirt with a hood.

\- "Do you listen to hip hop?" Lexa examined the sweater.

-"Yes, this is something else that my mom didn't like. The way I dressed." the blonde said.

-"Yes. I was expecting to see dresses on hangers here, but there are some sweatshirts and shirts."

-"Well, I'm sorry if you wanted to wear a dress, I can ask Raven."

Lexa laughed out loud, and Clarke smiled. She was pleased to watch Lexa, who removed her spikes and relaxed with her. In any case, Clarke wanted to believe it.

-"I like your clothes," Lexa winked and left the room.

Clarke felt her cheeks catch fire. If the brunette completely relaxed and behaved this way, then Clarke would definitely not be able to hide the constant embarrassment, such sights and the intonation Lexa started using while communicating with her, would bring her.

But, of course, Clarke liked it. She laid in bed and, smiling, looked at the ceiling. The girl Clarke liked was so indifferent, cold and lifeless, but Lexa began to unfold to the other side. Clarke would really like to know the person she was before.  
Clarke had been lying and rewinding the whole conversation at the club all this time, remembering how Lexa's eyes had changed. How she was when she left the club. How she looked at all their meetings, and how she began to look like when Clarke listened to her.  
The look was different. The voice was different. Lexa's smile. The smile that Clarke was now thinking about again and she involuntarily smiled. She was definitely a fool. She has just lost her job, her only income, and she didn't care. Lying like a fifteen-year-old girl and rejoicing that she caught Lexa's attention.

\- "Why are you so blissful?"

Clarke jerked and jumped on the bed. Her gaze met Lexa's, who was standing next to her in only a towel and was wiping her head.

-"You ... I ..." Clarke felt her cheeks begin to burn, they also turned red for sure. She was instantly left speechless. Before her, stood a half-naked, stunningly beautiful girl. If Clarke had previously noticed that Lexa was attractive, then now, with all the desire, she couldn't find the words to describe her impression of what she saw.  
Those slender legs that were covered by the towel ... in fact, weren't covered at all. Clavicles ... arms ... shoulders ... Clarke, opening her mouth like a fish, examined the brunette's body and, finally, returned to her face. Bright. Other. Clarke looked at the delicate features and hair that, after Lexa had rubbed them, fell on her shoulders ... and could hardly restrain her whining sounds. The blonde dropped her gaze to Lexa's lips, which blurred into a smile.

\- "Why are you so blissful? What's wrong?"

-"Lexa, you ... you ... Damn, I'm sorry," Clark turned sharply away. She realized that she was caught. Caught on all fronts. She was not ready. Not at all.

-"Clarke, you wanted to examine my lip. It really burns, there is redness around the abrasion," Lexa went to bed and sat down, staring Clarke right in the eyes.

The blonde cursed everything that existed in the world. She just thought that Lexa has just begun to open to her, and then, a minute later, she saw the overly open side of the brunette. Where was that cold, dry and indifferent girl looking like a kid? Clarke would like to get her back, well, just a little. She couldn't even look at Lexa now. Her heart was beating somewhere in her throat, and Lexa was sitting next to her, looking at Clarke with a smile, seeming to not understand. Or maybe she understood everything and was just mocking her. How has everything changed so dramatically?

-"Why are you ... Lexa," Clarke nevertheless looked right into her eyes, and the brunette tilted her head to one side.

\- "What happened?"

-"You're different," Clarke answered quietly.

-"I trust you, Clarke. You are a nice girl, and if I couldn't push you away, then ... I will take a step towards you. I don't see another way, do you?"

-"I don't understand," Clarke answered automatically, realizing perfectly what Lexa meant.

-"You are a good girl, unusual," Lexa turned away and removing the smile from her face, continued, looking ahead -"you are the first I meet, well ... in short, you are unusual and somehow reminded me of my brother. The same bright. No, I remember, you don't consider yourself good, he wasn't an angel either. You're just a nice person. I can be rude to you, but ... honestly, I don't want to. I don't want to intentionally push you away. Am I an egoist?" Lexa turned to Clarke.

-"Not much, but I can make my own decisions, Lexa. Not because I am stupid, but because ... I can. And if I made a decision ... " Clarke wanted to say «I chose you, not work,» but it seemed to her that this would sound like a bust and she remained silent, trying to find other words.

-"You took my side and ...?"

-"Yes," Clarke nodded -"if you continued to act like a bastard ..."

\- "Therefore, I didn't continue. But you're still stupid, and I'm a selfish person."

-"Tandem," Clarke smiled.

Clarke turned her back to the brunette and waited for her to change her clothes. Lexa looked amazing. The light colour was perfect on her, this contrasted her black clothes and drove Clarke crazy. Lexa's face seemed more lively, and Clarke thought that even a little light appeared in Lexa's eyes. Dim, but still there. 

-"We can wait until Raven wakes up, and then I lie on the sofa," Clarke said quietly, taking out the ointment to treat her wounds, -"your lip has an inflammation, but it's not severe. There's no suppuration," Clarke raised her eyes from her lip to green eyes, which were observing her - "what?"

-"Okay, but I'll lie there," Lexa jerked.

While Lexa looked somewhere to the side, Clarke gently raised her hand and touched her lip with one finger, applying the abrasion ointment. Lexa jerked again. Of course, Lexa could have done this herself, but for some reason, none of them said anything about it. But it occurred to Clarke now, when her hand began to tremble, and she prayed that Lexa wouldn't notice this. She accelerated the pace and, barely touching, applied the ointment to the wound. When finished, the blonde began to quickly close the tube.

-"That's it," Clarke straightened up.

-"Thanks," Lexa finally looked at her and nodded.

They sat silently for the next five minutes. Clarke noticed that Lexa was freeze thinking. Clarke invited Lexa to lie down, but she refused.

After another half hour of silent sitting next to her, Lexa somehow shook her head, chopping off, and Clarke resolutely insisted that she laid down. After long persuasion, the brunette agreed.

The blonde was sitting nearby while Lexa was sleeping. If in the early days she had laid down next to her, now she couldn't afford it. Then she didn't know Lexa, and didn't have to think about how much she didn't want to sleep with someone nearby. Clarke was digesting that feeling now. She couldn't even allow the thought to just lie down beside Lexa to cross her mind. As if it would be some kind of imposition and deprivation of Lexa's choice. After all, the brunette herself wouldn't have agreed to anything like that, and simply wouldn't have fallen asleep if she knew about it. Or maybe as soon as Clarke fell asleep, Lexa would get up and immediately leave. Clarke didn't know this, but she didn't want to wake up and find the absence of the girl again either.

Clark now didn't care, and she respected Lexa's desire, her reluctance to sleep with her. It was rather unpleasant to realize, although Clarke knew perfectly well that the matter wasn't a personal affront to her persona, but still ... Clarke went and sat on the windowsill. The blonde looked over the city until her eyelids became heavy. She closed her eyes and laid her head on the glass, not noticing how she was falling asleep.

Clarke woke up when someone raised her hand. She opened her eyes and heard a soft whisper in her ear.

\- "Help me."

Clarke embraced Lexa's neck and let her take her off the windowsill. Leaning on Lexa and staggering a little, Clarke reached the bed and froze. She woke up. Although she really wanted to pretend that she didn't and to watch her further actions. Clarke simply froze by the bed and turned with the face to Lexa. Her hand was still on Lexa's shoulders, the brunette herself was so unacceptably close that Clarke felt as if Lexa would now hear the accelerated beating of her heart. 

-"But ..." Clarke whispered faintly, but fell silent, realizing that her lips were only a few centimetres apart from the brunette's own. How her heart was beating ... her breath finally stopping.

-"I'll try," Lexa looked into blue eyes, and her hand on Clarke's waist tightened slightly, making Clarke's legs weaken. The blonde couldn't feel her own body anymore, having neither the strength to breathe nor to calm the trembling in it. She was too close, Lexa was too close ...  
She wanted to distance from her, but she also wanted to stay and wait for what would happen next. She couldn't make a decision. As a result, she unconsciously stood and looked in front of her half-closed eyes. Eyes that didn't blink were looking back at her. And then Clarke jerked, Lexa's eyes fell on her lips. It was so sudden and exciting for Clarke that she opened her mouth, trying to catch some air. The blonde jerked back, breaking free of the girl's arms.

-"Damn Clarke, I just got up to make you lie down," Lexa began to run her eyes around the room. She looked like she was asleep and had just been awakened, doused with cold water - "what happened?"

Clarke quickly climbed onto the bed and laid down against the wall. As close to the wall as possible. She was scared of what she looked like. Was afraid of her reaction, fearful of how dumb she looked now. Lexa was just helping her up. Damn, why didn't Lexa just push Clarke on the shoulder? Maybe… Clarke laid down, feeling how her heart was still beating in her chest, she tried to analyze what had happened now. Did Lexa suddenly liked Clarke too? The blonde didn't know what to think, but the only thing she felt now was awkwardness. While Lexa was lying next to her, with her back turned, Clarke was trying to understand why did she want to approach her? And what about personal space? Why did Lexa break her rule? Maybe it was just an attempt at caring, and it carried no further meaning.

Clarke calmed the chaos in her head only after about ten minutes. Making sure that she had also moved away from the close proximity, she turned to face Lexa and stared at her back.

She observed Lexa for a very long time, she still wasn't able to get over the look Lexa was giving to her lips and Lexa's hands on her waist, which at some point had clenched onto it.  
Then Clarke completely stopped thinking. It would be worthwhile to stop herself and give it all the time. But Clarke and rational behaviour always went in a different direction.  
First, you do, and only then you think. And not the other way around.  
She moved closer to Lexa and listened, trying to see whether the girl fell asleep or not. Interestingly, it was morning already. In the winter, the morning was also dark. Clarke moved even closer, trying to control her breath, so God forbid Lexa heard.  
It seemed that if she now allowed herself to breathe in or out, Lexa would undoubtedly hear her and know that Clarke was very close, a couple of centimetres from her neck. She would get up and leave.  
Clarke closed her eyes and controlled the flow of air, exhaled slowly and, opening her eyes, laid her hand on Lexa's waist. Lexa didn't move. Didn't jerk. She did nothing.  
She remained unmoving. Clark let air in through her nose and exhaled quietly and slowly again, relaxing her arm and body. The main thing wasn't to go too far. This was such close contact. If Lexa was sleeping, good. This was only for Clarke, this was touch, this was interference with the personal space of a girl ... But if Lexa wasn't sleeping ... Although, Lexa herself had said that she couldn't fall asleep when someone was nearby. It was unlikely that she had dozed off in just ten minutes. Clarke felt uncomfortable after about three minutes. For her to completely relax and try to sleep, she needed to move her body even a little closer. Her hand began to get tired. In this position, in which she was lying with her arm extended forward, she wouldn't be able to remain for a long time. She certainly couldn't fall asleep either. 

Clarke observed Lexa's back for another two minutes and measured out her breath, Lexa's steady breathing that she could feel under her arm.  
She bit her upper lip and still decided to become imprudent at the end. If Lexa pushed her away, then Clarke would no longer do this again, but now ... Why was it so desirable to take this step now? It was nothing in this.  
Considering that Lexa just didn't want to sleep with anyone nearby and then she stepped over and allowed Clarke ... a privilege that Clarke took advantage of and even decided to go too far. -«Be that as it may!» Clarke thought and moved her body forward, pressing her left hand to the brunette's waist and her body to her back and buttocks. And then Lexa jerked. Clarke froze and stopped breathing.  
She looked wide-eyed at Lexa's cheek, which was barely visible from behind her hair. She tried to feel with her hand, but no ... Lexa seemed to stop breathing.

Clarke's heart jumped into her throat when she felt Lexa's hot fingers on her wrist. And then, as the brunette's palm fell on her hand. She pressed Clarke's hand to her, and the blonde, covering her eyes, finally relaxed and breathed out quietly.

***

Lexa awoke, feeling someone's gaze upon her. She opened her eyes and raised them to the door above her head.

Raven stood there with her mouth ajar. Lexa jerked as she felt Clarke's hand tighten on her belly, pinning Lexa against her hot body from behind.

She remembered what had happened a couple of hours earlier.

-"I have a day off today," Raven nodded to Lexa -"when you wake up, I need to talk to you." Raven left the room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

Lexa watched Raven leave the room and then looked down at the hand that was on her stomach. She closed her eyes and began to recall what was literally a few hours ago. The way Lexa woke up and saw Clarke sleeping on the windowsill, as she approached her and began to examine the girl. She remembered how her own heart missed a beat at the thought that it would be nice if Clarke laid down next to her. No, she didn't just catch herself thinking that Clarke wouldn't disturb her, she wanted this. She didn't just feel guilty that Clarke was sleeping in such an uncomfortable position because of her. Something tender crept into Lexa's soul. The tenderness she felt for only one person.  
The brunette also remembered how the blonde blushed when she saw her in a towel. And how even she felt embarrassed and then excited. She touched Clarke and raised her hand, resting her on her neck and froze, looking at the blonde.

Lexa swallowed, remembering her desire to kiss Clarke when she looked at her from a distance of several centimetres.

She could feel Clarke's breath from behind. She felt her every movement behind her. She didn't have a soul thought about being uncomfortable, only the desire that Clarke decided and wanted to touch her. And as soon as the blonde did this, Lexa's head went round, but she didn't dare to move. When Clarke snuggled closer to her, her breathing stopped, and her body paralyzed. Lexa didn't have the courage to turn around.  
She felt Clarke's tenderness, but the blonde in her eyes was much more than that as a person. Did that mean that Lexa could just take advantage of it and ruin something... Or maybe Clarke liked her as a friend and would push her away. It was unknown and incomprehensible for Lexa.

If this had happened a year ago, Lexa wouldn't have hesitated to flirt with a girl like Clarke but now ... What could she offer her, except for a one-night stand and spoil their relationship afterwards?  
And why did Lexa even think that Clarke needed sex ... The blonde didn't look like an affordable girl, ready for a one-time contact without any obligation. And why did she think that she had the right to believe that Clarke would generally care about her ... That Clarke treated her more than as a friend. And that they were even friends in general ...

Lexa dismissed the thoughts, which began to confuse her. She slowly turned to face the blonde. Clarke smacked her lips, and Lexa involuntarily smiled. The brunette carefully removed the blonde's hand from herself and stood up.

-"I'm Raven," Raven held out her hand.

-"Lexa," the brunette shook her hand and sat down in a chair across from Raven.

\- "I didn't have the opportunity to thank you. Thanks," Raven shyly smiled. She didn't want to remember what happened, but she could thank Lexa for the help -"coffee?"

\- "It's my pleasure. No, thanks, I'll probably go," Lexa answered quietly and started to get up.

\- "Where to? Did Clarke let you go somewhere?" Raven raised her eyebrows, and Lexa froze with her mouth open - "Or did you just got used to leaving. If you don't care, then of course go, I dare not delay you."

-"I do care," Lexa sat back -"I just don't want to abuse Clarke's hospitality."

-"Stop running away all the time, it doesn't look very good, especially now. So, coffee?

\- "Yes, please."

While Raven was making coffee, Lexa sat and thought about her words. Once again, she really wanted to leave. Not only did she feel like a stranger here, but also a burden, which was entirely unusual for her. She felt weak, miserable and flawed, kept here out of pity. Besides, her communication with Clarke ruined the blonde's life.  
If she did care, didn't it mean that she had to get out of here before it was too late?

-"Raven, I think I really need to leave. I made a mistake yesterday, I allowed Clarke to quit her job, but ..."

\- "So," Raven turned around with a teapot in her hands - "you are a smart girl. Let's be clear. You've gotten used to always deciding for yourself, you're used to being the main one, cool and self-sufficient. I can understand you, really. They pity you, you are uncomfortable, and your pride is hurt. Plus, you don't give a damn about yourself, and then what is the point of letting people help you when you don't care. I won't let you hurt Clarke. Put your pride aside and take into your life the only person who, for some reason, does give a shit about you. This is my first advice. Secondly, Clarke is an adult, and she can decide for herself with whom to communicate, no matter how recklessly it may be on her part, the decision has been made. She is stubborn and also proud. If she makes up her mind, then you won't convince her otherwise. You are in the same boat as her now. And as me, by the way, too." Raven took a step towards Lexa, who, though frowning, was staring at her, -"And if you want to leave just because you are so right and you are so noble, thinking about Clarke's well-being, then ... I understand that too, but please think carefully before making this decision."

-"You are strangers to me, Raven. I want to leave. You said everything correctly. There are many reasons to go; not one comes to my mind to stay or communicate with you. I feel good alone."

Lexa got up and turned to the door. She immediately froze. Clarke looked at her with her mouth hanging open, and Lexa regretted her words at once. She said what she thought, yes, but for some reason, because Clarke had heard it, her body was paralyzed and her heart began to beat faster.

-"Clarke," Lexa whispered and the blonde, bared, turned and left the kitchen.

Lexa went after her and stood rooted near the door of the room.

\- "Here are your things! You can keep what you are wearing. Get out."

-"Clarke, you ..."

\- "Get out, I said! " the blonde shouted, having thrown the sweater and the jeans at Lexa.

-"I'll leave, just let me explain you."

-"You have nothing to tell me, for some reason, I have never thought about your feelings towards me. I'm really a nobody to you, and I have no right to force my help on you. You said yesterday that you trusted me, but apparently, you were too drunk, and your words meant nothing! You are a nobody to me too, get out," Clarke growled and, taking a step, pushed Lexa out of the room. 

-"Wait," the brunette grabbed Clarke's hands -"wait, okay?"

\- "What else?" Clarke froze.

-"I'm sorry," Lexa said quietly, clutching her fingers on Clarke's wrists -"I feel powerless next to you. When I'm alone, I'm not… I don't want to live, do you understand? But when you are near," Lexa took a step - "I ..."

\- "Lexa, it seemed to me we've already gone through this stage, I do not pity you! I stopped feeling sorry for you after that incident in the kitchen! I just care! But you said that I'm nobody to you and you're right, you saw me only a couple of times. Please leave, I can no longer impose my communication on you. You are not the only one who is feeling weak." Clarke pulled out her hands and turned away.

-"What I said yesterday was true," Lexa took a step toward her, -" and I feel weak next to you. I'm sorry if I offended you."

Clarke stood with her back and listened to Lexa put on her shoes. Inside, everything was boiling. Oh, how was this girl so infuriating to her… Was it necessary to be imbued with sympathy for a person who simply couldn't take her nearby? How many times would Lexa keep on pushing her away and how many times would Clarke still take a step towards her. She wanted to be proud, wanted to spit in her face that she didn't know her at all. But solely from the fact that Clarke wanted Lexa to stay, everything inside her was seething. She felt just like a «rag» that imposed itself and its support on a person who didn't fucking need it.

-"I'll bring you your things later," Lexa said quietly, and Clarke heard the door lock open. A lump rolled up her throat. Why was she so upset, why did she so hate Lexa for leaving?

Why did the person, whom she was nothing to, cause in her such a storm of emotions? She wanted to turn around and hit the brunette, yell at her. But the blonde could only stand and listen, she was nobody, and she had no right. 

Clarke didn't wait for the door to close behind Lexa. Without turning, she went to the kitchen.

Raven put her hand on Clarke's shoulder and pulled the girl towards her, clutching her in a hug.

\- "Honey, why are you so amorous, huh?" Raven grinned and immediately felt how, after those words, the girl in her arms began to shake, - "damn it, I'll catch her and hit her now, honestly."

-"It's okay, Raven, I'm nobody to her," Clarke hugged her friend and whispered in her ear -"I hate it."

-"Clarke, I think she's just too proud."

\- "To spit."

Lexa left the building and stopped. She raised her head to the windows on the penultimate floor and pricked in her chest. Why couldn't she move on? It was as if her chest was crushed. And oh, for how long Lexa had not felt anything like it. Over the past two days, emotions made their way to her and gradually filled the void. How was she to get rid of them again ... It would have been much easier and simpler. She wanted it all to be easier again. 

The brunette sat on the curb and hugged the things that were in her hands. It was cold outside. She was cold. She had to go somewhere. She had to find a porch and sit there, she was used to it. It was her way of living in recent months. But why would now the mere thought that she would have to sit in the stairwell, all alone ... These thoughts caused intense pain and a desire to cry.

Pride wouldn't allow her to go back, but as soon as she left the threshold of the apartment, Lexa regretted it with all her heart. And now there was no turning back. Her pride, her damn pride. Lexa, for the first time in recent years, didn't want to be alone. No, not just alone. She didn't want to be without Clarke.  
She had to go home and clean herself, to try and clean her brother's things. She no longer wanted to live on the street and hang around the porches. Why – it wasn't clear, she just didn't want to anymore. Again this thought and her heart still felt like it was in a vice.

She felt a necessity to put her life in order, but why? Where did this desire come from? It hurt ... She felt lonely ... And for the first time, it was scary ... There was no strength left in her to even move away from that block. No power to go.

-"I'll probably completely lose my self-respect, but ..." Clarke start.

The brunette jerked from a quiet voice behind her but was unable to turn her head. She gripped her things tightly in her hands and opened her mouth to gulp the cold air. There was no way. She couldn't believe her ears.

-"Lexa, please ..."

The brunette's lips trembled. Lexa had to turn around, to say something but she continued to sit paralyzed, unable to even breathe. A hand touch. She felt hot palms on her shoulders and her whole body tensed. Lexa's fingers were digging into the jacket, her eyes widened. Her mouth opened wider, not to catch air, but because the last bit of oxygen had just left her lungs. Her body began to tremble, and it was a process Lexa no longer controlled. Hands wrapped around Lexa's neck and something was pressing to her back ... it was a face, Clarke's face. Because the next thing Lexa felt was someone breathing in her hair, warm and sincere.

\- "I don't know why…" Clarke said quietly.

She could feel Clarke whisper in her ear, and her hands tightening even more around her body. Lexa felt Clarke turn her head and press her cheek on her tense back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

-"I won't let you," Lexa said quietly.

\- "What?" Clarke raised her head.

-"To feel that ..." Lexa fell silent and touched Clarke's hands on her shoulders. -"You're undressed again."

-"I was in a hurry," Clarke said quietly and smiling.

-"Will you help me tidy up my brother's apartment?" Lexa asked.

-"Will you not run away anymore?" Clarke let go of Lexa's shoulders and stood up.

-"I won't anymore, but ... another question arises," Lexa took a deep breath and turned to face the blonde girl standing behind and looking down at her.

-"They can kill me?" the blonde smiled somehow nervously.

-"Not kill, but you will not get a job here and indeed I have never encountered anything like it. Honestly, they always resolved issues in a different way." Lexa got to her feet and turned her face to Clarke. She lowered her head and looked at her through her eyelashes, -"I'm afraid that something terrible may happen, I really didn't come across anything like this and ... I'm even afraid to think if ..."

\- "I think they will warn me. I would like to think so. Still ... Let's solve the problems as they come," Clarke tilted her head to one side and smiled. -"let's go pick up Raven. She has a day off today, we'll pick her up and immediately put things in order at your place, and… I'm frozen. This year it is too cold."

Lexa nodded and followed Clarke.

The brunette really had no idea what problems might appear if the girls continued to communicate with her. She knew that those people could beat and even kill them... After all, her brother, albeit by mistake, died just because of this. Nobody cared. They don't care. One less piece of garbage on the street. The cops don't give a damn either, because everything has been bought in here for a long time.

Lexa silently watched Clarke and Raven while they all drove to her house.  
Before arriving, exactly five minutes from home, Clarke decided that they all needed to buy jackets. No one even asked Lexa. More precisely, Clarke asked at home if Lexa had something warm, and the brunette answered honestly that the coat that she had was designed for a mild winter. The blonde at that moment only nodded and remained silent. Still, now Clarke didn't consider it necessary to ask Lexa for permission to buy her a jacket.

Raven watched Clarke closely, and Lexa noticed. The blonde's actions were sometimes ambiguous, Raven herself didn't understand Clarke's behaviour. She was left without a job but was ready to spend a significant amount on the purchase of winter outerwear. Lexa nodded silently, afraid to offend Clarke, while the blonde showed her various ski jackets.

The purchase cost almost three hundred dollars and Lexa, swallowing a lump, accepted this gift. Clarke's actions weren't clear, nothing was. Judging by the blonde's stories, she's been saving money for a long time, working seven days a week. She got it hard. It was worth at least looking for a cheaper store, but Clarke didn't ask a single question. She only showed the jackets and, talking to herself, made a decision.  
Raven and Lexa stood there silently. When Clarke chose, Raven finally got out of her trance and began to search a jacket for herself.

The girls left the store and changed, throwing the spring jackets into their backpacks. The brunette took a deep breath. She would really like to give the money back to Clarke because just a little while ago she used to have a lot of them. And now, swallowing her pride, she accepted an expensive gift from a girl she has just met, a girl who caused mixed emotions inside her.  
They were all pleasant, but not familiar to Lexa. Something confusing ... Sympathy, surprise, misunderstanding and ... a tenderness that was slipping too often, which led Lexa  
into a state of confusion of what was happening around her. Everything turned upside down in one moment, and now she was no longer alone. The most important thing that Lexa has acquired was the fear of being alone. How the blonde did this remained a mystery. 

How, out of a desire to be alone, could one be led to the fear of being alone? And how did her unwillingness to live gave way to a desire and a promise to herself to do everything so that she would be alive to return the blonde those feelings? Yes, she definitely wanted to give Clarke what she took.  
Hugging herself with her arms and clutching the warm jacket to her body, Lexa did not think that she owed something to Clarke, and she was borrowing, no. She felt that she wanted to do something nice in return to make the blonde happier.  
As soon as Lexa got to this, she calmed down. Pride and unwillingness to take something from the blonde gave way to a stimulus ...

-"Did you live here?" Clarke nodded toward the big skyscraper.

\- "Yes, my brother and I were given an apartment here. Nice house, which is strange," the brunette grinned.

\- "Yes, not bad. Didn't you think to move? Maybe then they would have left you alone?" Clarke seemed to accidentally ask, pulling the sleeves on her jacket and peering at the patterns on them.

\- "I thought about it. I saved money, and we wanted to move out together, but ... I stopped thinking about it. And besides, I'm not sure that they will let me live elsewhere. Clarke, I can run, but I won't have a life anywhere. This work, this rent, rights ... and in general. It all went to hell. These bastards won't give me life." Lexa grinned irritated, -"If you ask how I would like to proceed, I won't answer," she answered more calmly, observing Clarke's awkwardness due to her intonation, -"I'm sorry, I just… I didn't think about it."

-"I want you to think more about it," Clarke answered quietly under her breath, not looking at Lexa -"not about moving, but about how it will all be from now on."

They stood at the entrance and Lexa frowned at Clarke, who was staring somewhere under her feet.

\- "So, ladies, let's talk about sad things later, huh?" intervened Raven, noticing the hanging awkwardness in the air.

They silently climbed to the desired floor, and while Lexa was taking out the keys from the jeans that were in Raven's backpack, Clarke felt Raven shove her elbow into her side.

\- "What are you?" Clarke hissed, frowning.

-"Don't push on her," Raven hissed just as angrily, frowning even more.

-"I'm not pushing, I'm asking," Clarke frowned in an attempt to make her face more upset than Raven's.

-"Your questions are out of place now," Raven continued through her teeth.

-"I'll figure it out myself if they are," Clarke snorted.

-"Ladies, I'm sorry, but I'm a meter away from you." Both friends jerked and looked at Lexa, who, raising her eyebrows, stood facing them.

Lexa smiled and, shaking her head, turned and opened the door.  
Last time, she closed the apartment on the lower castle. The top one was completely disassembled.  
Lexa noticed that the locks needed to be changed, but it was better not to. The idea of selling the apartment and moving immediately scattered. As she recently said, nobody would give her permission to move even a step away.

\- "Wow. They did a good job here," Raven looked from the hallway to the ruin in the corridor.  
Despite the garbage and the destruction in the apartment, the girls ignored Lexa's protest and took off their shoes, passing into the living room in just their socks.

\- "Is that you?" Clarke lifted the frame from the floor and, smiling, began to examine the photo.

-"Yes, with my brother," Lexa went over and, looking over the girl's shoulder, smiled, -"we were twelve here, it seems. The photo was taken at the shelter."

-"How are you ..." Clarke turned her head and looked Lexa in the eye -"well ..." She looked away, thinking that in truth, she was asking too many questions.

-"Together, Clarke. Our parents ... I don't know," Lexa smiled and carefully took the frame from Clarke's hands - "actually ... For some reason, it seems that they died. I always wanted to think so. But if they died, then we would have something left ... an inheritance, for example."

-"You are already a big girl, you can do it all and find out the truth," Raven came up to them and also looked at the photo.

\- "When I turned eighteen, I thought about it, but then somehow it all happened, it started to spin out of control... Honestly, I had money, and somehow I forgot about it."

-"Why are they out here?" Clarke began to pick up clothes from the floor and put them on the sofa.

\- "They were looking for money, that I had saved, and in general, I earned decently. Well, they found it, so they did everything right," suddenly Lexa froze - "a moment."  
The brunette quickly jumped out of the living room.

-"I never understood why they can't look for cash without this ostentatious rout," Raven lifted the leg from the table, and then raised the table itself, -"it must be taken out."

-"Well ... probably to scare people even more. The robbers don't rout, but here ... Let me help you."

Ten minutes later, the girls returned to the apartment. They were laughing, remembering how awkwardly they shoved the table into the elevator and how they got it out of there. It almost crushed them.

\- "God, Lexa, what was it made of?" Clarke laughed, leaning on her knees and trying to catch her breath

-"Natural wood," Lexa smiled.

-"Why are you so happy?" - Raven sat down on the sofa and, exhaling loudly, spread her arms around.

\- "I found my stash. I forgot about it at all. It was the very, very first ... There are two and a half, Clarke, I can give you your money for the jacket," Lexa smiled broadly, looking at Clarke.

-"I wanted it to be a gift." For example, for the New Year, it will be in a couple of weeks.

-"Good." Lexa walked over to Raven and sat next to her. -"A present. I never thanked you."

-"You generally don't do thank you's. You'll work it out," Clarke yanked her left eyebrow and looked playfully at Lexa.  
The brunette smiled and looked away.

\- "Well, what are we doing sitting? "Raven got up -" come on. Let's clean up."

They tidied the apartment for about four hours, and now, finally, the tired girls were sitting on the couch and looked around.

-"Clarke," Lexa took the frame from the computer table -"wasn't the photo right there?" She turned to the blonde.

-"There was," Clarke grinned.

-"Griffin stole it, I saw everything," Raven laughed.

-"God, Raven, thanks," Clarke nudged her friend in the shoulder.

Lexa stared intently at the blonde and waited for confirmation.

\- "What are you looking at? Well yeah, I stole it. You are very nice there and in general, is it a habit to print pictures like this these days? Very nice indeed." Clarke said.

\- "This was my brother's print. He loved everything on paper. Photos, books. But I just printed one for him when he gave me flowers. Why do you need it?" Lexa tilted her head to one side.

-"Well, we are friends now, and I keep pictures of friends."

\- "Yes???" Raven theatrically opened her eyes and mouth - "Is that right?"

-"Fuck," Clarke rolled her eyes. -"Fuck off." The girl got up and quickly retreated from the living room.

-"She doesn't have yours?" Lexa laughed, looking at Raven.

\- "Of course not. What do you think, maybe she doesn't consider me a friend?" Raven laughed out loud, not a bit sorry that she has just embarrassed her friend.

-"I think you're just not as photogenic as I am," Lexa proudly raised her head.

-"Clarke will look at her before going to bed, clutching her to her chest," Raven continued to joke

\- "I hear everything!" The blonde's voice could be heard from another room.

\- "Do you hear that well now? Know then that I do not forgive you." Raven stood up and winked at Lexa, who was standing and smiling. Raven saw the sadness in the brunette's eyes, and she even thought that Lexa was about to cry, judging by the gleam in her eyes. - "All good?"

\- "Yes, Raven. Everything is good, and it scares me," Lexa bit her lip and looked away.

***

The next two weeks, Lexa came to visit them, but according to Clarke, she came too rarely. The blonde wanted to see her more often. Every time Lexa left to return to her house in the evening, Clarke really wanted the girl to stay, to lie next to her again, albeit with her back ... Clarke wouldn't even touch her, so as not to cause inconvenience, but just be by her side. Each time, Clarke was afraid that Lexa wouldn't return, that she wouldn't want to come again. No matter how the brunette blossomed during their conversations and walks, Clarke still saw a sadness in her eyes. This little spark was not enough to believe that the girl was recovering.

Clarke went around many places in search of work in their area, but everywhere they refused. It feels like somewhere in the back room, they had her picture with the words «don't hire.» It was just peculiar.

Clarke expanded the search area and finally, she entered the Chinatown.  
It was an hour's walk from Clarke's house. The blonde was ready to go there on foot at least every day, if only she had already been given a job somewhere.

As it turned out, no one had heard of Clarke in the area. She was refused only because she was not of Asian appearance. Apparently, they were categorically against hiring strangers. 

Clarke has already walked around five stores with a sign about finding an employee. She was ready to give up but having noticed a small shop, she still went there.

An elderly Chinese man stared at Clarke for a long time. To the blonde's surprise, he spoke English very well. The man listened attentively to Clarke's speech about what she wanted, that she would be useful and wouldn't fail him. The Chinese interrupted her and agreed to hire her. Clarke didn't understand why he did not ask a single question. Just listened to her and made a decision.  
The salary was small, few hours of work. But even so. Clarke gladly returned home and finally was able to calm down.  
Everything would be fine now. Maybe even Lexa would agree to find work in that area. Well, if she could find one old man, there could be another.

That evening, she had an unpleasant conversation with Raven.  
As it turned out, last week Raven was asked too many questions at work. Her boss somehow hinted that if Raven was somehow connected with Lexa, then she would certainly lose her job.  
The brunette was a good actress and was able to play both surprise and disgust and to say that it didn't concern her at all. Raven understood that she wouldn't be able to hide her friendship with Lexa for a long time, sooner or later, it would still be recognized.

She also did not want to do something secretly. If the decision on friendship and communication was made, then Raven wasn't the person to give back. Raven didn't have to be honest with anyone at work, and extra days or weeks wouldn't hinder it. She wasn't in a hurry to remain without work, so she lied as best she could.

Clarke was more upset than Raven. She put herself a little in Lexa's shoes. When something was taken from your loved ones, and it was your own fault… She would immediately want to isolate Raven from herself. Fence off problems. But how? It turned out that Raven would still communicate with Lexa, and she would push away. No, complete nonsense.

Clarke couldn't sleep for a long time. She really wanted to find at least one clue how to get out of this, and most importantly, how to get Lexa out of this shit. But Clarke didn't know anything about the drug business. Had no idea how exactly everything was tied up there, and certainly didn't know how to cope with such problems. Only frames from the militants that she once watched climbed into her head. Judging by the plot from the films, Lexa needs to shoot the boss and all those associated with him, then she will gain freedom.  
As a result, Clarke's thoughts reached the fantasy of Lexa with a shotgun on her shoulder, as she, in military colouring and in Lara Croft-style clothing, kills all the bandits in her path.  
And now, at the end of her fantasy, Clarke was already thinking about how she would meet the wounded brunette and would heal her wounds. She would look into her green eyes and would take pride in how cool Lexa is. Would undress her and ... Stop.  
Clarke grinned and yanked herself.

For her, Lexa without a shotgun and a bunch of corpses behind her was already cool. And she would win ... All she had to do was to return the brunette her strength and self-confidence. But how? And why did Clarke even think that she was the very person who should return them to her ... who was she at all?

***

Niylah: Good morning, beauty!

Clarke grinned as she read the message with one eye.  
Niylah wrote her often, and Clarke almost all the time smiled at her compliments. This communication has long acquired an ambiguous connotation. Clarke was not opposed, she liked Niylah, although they didn't disperse very well in the last meeting.

Clarke: Good! Why are you awake so early?

Niylah: I haven't gone to bed yet, Clarke, I wanted to invite you to Dan's birthday. He is shy, he looks like you, he's so funny: D

Clarke: Are you inviting me to the birthday of a guy who likes me? God, I would not say that he is shy and I'm not into a relationship with the guy, but I accept the invitation.

Niylah: And with the girls?

Clarke: What an interesting question;) I shall continue to sleep, and you should lie down.

The blonde put the phone under the pillow and grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it, thanks


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

Clarke laughed loudly and sonorously, she hadn't felt so good for a long time. It was strange that she didn't get on the blacklist. Or maybe Niylah didn't give a damn about it? Because everyone at first suspiciously squinted at her, but after a couple of hours and a few bottles of strong alcohol later, everyone was having fun.  
Clarke had already congratulated the birthday boy, and he didn't approach her, only glanced from the other end of the living room.

Niylah has been spinning around Clarke since her arrival. Raven also found something to do. A young man named Finn completely surrounded the girl with his attention.  
Clarke looked at Raven and saw her reaction. The blonde missed everything Niylah told her, she was more worried about Raven's behaviour.  
Clarke once again noticed how Raven was speaking rudely to the guy for no reason. Not tolerating it anymore, the blonde got up and dragged her friend into the bathroom.

-"I can't, Clarke." Raven put her hands on the sink and lowered her head.

-"It's just not the time, Raven. Do you want me to send him off? I'll ask, well, or ..."

-"He's not bad, not my type, but not bad. I know him for a long time, though not very well, I'm sure that this puppy will not offend anyone. It's not him, Clarke."

-"Ray," the blonde came up from behind and hugged her friend, pressing her cheek to her back -"I understand. You don't talk about it, but I don't stop thinking. Just…"

-"Clarke, sometimes I forget, but ... this is rare. More precisely, I ... everything is complicated. I don't feel the physical consequences and thank God, but everything seems to be inside my head ..." - Raven clasped Clarke's hands on her stomach - "some kind of anger. I hate it. I hate all the guys."

-"Ray, listen to me," Clarke turned her friend to face her -"look at me. I understand you, really. As much as I can. Sweetheart," Clarke put her palms to Raven's cheeks. -"But you have that kind of light inside that I have never seen before. How much I know you ... you endured such an asshole like Carter and ... Ray, maybe it's time you gave a chance to someone good? I don't know, honestly. I don't know how to help you, and I won't be able to. You need a man nearby who will make you believe that.".

-"Clarke," Raven closed her eyes, exhaling slowly. -"Finn, a man? Are you serious? He is a boy, what can he do?"

\- "And you are a girl, what can you? I am your friend, and you can always count on me, but with all my heart, I want you to love the one who will make you happy. Carter wasn't worth it, you threw two years on ..."

-"And don't remind me," Raven grinned. -"Collins ... how old is he? Damn, maybe twenty years, not more."

-"I do not know him, but if you think that he is good ... I think that you need someone like him right now. Yes, maybe he won't make you happy, but ..."

-"Do you suggest that I use the kid, knowing that I will not fall in love with him?"

-"Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you," Clarke hugged her friend.

-"Bad girl," Revan laughed and pressed Clarke to her. "Okay. I will try, but he is boring and infuriates me."

-"But he didn't seem to be a bore for me," Clarke pulled back and looked at her friend.

-"Okay, he's not a bore, just a romantic. There is no place for him among us."

-"Romaaaantic," Clarke held out and sighed heavily, clutching her hand to her chest -"romaaaantic."

\- "Sick! Roll up! Mine," Raven snapped the blonde's nose and left the bathroom -"he is mine. And you have Niylah!"

-"Niylah," Clarke muttered under her breath and pulled her cell phone out of her pocket.  
Message.

Lexa: Are you having fun there?  
Clarke: Wow! I thought that keeping in touch through WhatsApp wasn't your thing! :)  
Lexa: Who told you such nonsense?  
Clarke: I decided that. You answered my SMS's dryly a couple of times, and I concluded that it wasn't worth moving it to WhatsApp.  
Lexa: Me ??? Dry? How so? How could I? Haha :) My bad, it was a long time ago. So? Is it fun for you there?  
Clark: Very much! By the way, do you know Finn? Collins if I recall correctly.  
Lexa: I know him, why? He was a friend of my brother.  
Clarke: Wow! He's just flirting with Raven, and you know that ... in general, I'm worried.  
Lexa: Don't worry, he's a good guy. The truth is, I'm not sure that Raven would like him :D He, like my brother, is such a sissy.

Clarke laughed and went into the living room. Having buried her face in the phone screen, she went to her place, grabbing a bottle of martini along the way.

The blonde looked again at Finn and at Raven, who began to coo with him. She smiled and returned to the phone.

Clarke: You and your brother are so different :)  
Lexa: What are you implying?  
Clarke: Yeah, that :) Doesn't matter.  
Lexa: Hmm ... okay.

Clarke sighed. No, she wasn't particularly romantic, but she was sissy. Very tender to people whom she loved and who were important to her. Here from extreme to extreme. She hated it when someone touched her or simply affectionately called her names. Despite her kind heart, she couldn't stand it when someone violated her personal space and crossed a line. Maybe that was why she was upset to realize that Lexa couldn't endure when she was touched or approached ... touched ... had someone sleep beside her. Clarke wasn't so categorical as Lexa, but she knew this feeling. Either Lexa liked being like that, or she simply didn't find the person whom she could let get close enough to her.  
What could be closer than tenderness? Nothing. Closer than touching the face, hands, body ... Look into someone's eyes. The most valuable thing that a person can give to a loved one is tenderness. You can take care of someone, you can hug someone as a sign of support, you can even fuck and kiss lips you don't love, but tenderness ...

\- "What are you doing?"

Clarke twitched. Niylah tore the girl out of her thoughts.

-"Thinking," Clarke smiled.

\- "What are you thinking about?"

-"About tenderness," the blonde took a sip from her glass.

\- "About tenderness? How is that?" Niylah clinked her glass with Clarke's and took a sip too.

-"Well, that is the most valuable thing that one person can give to another," Clarke tilted her head to one side.

-"Hm," Niylah frowned -"I have a friend who is not at all tender. And she is in love, very in love, but doesn't like that someone to be tender to her."

\- "It seems to me that even the most callous person loves tenderness, just not from everyone. Well, or the person may be afraid of it. In this case, either you are originally like that, or you need to trust someone. I don't know. Maybe something is wrong with your friend."

\- "You're a philosopher."

\- "Come on, I was just thinking!" Clarke nudged the girl.

The phone vibrated in her hand.

Lexa: Have you drunk a lot already?  
Clarke: Enough. What are you doing?  
Lexa: Walking. Watching the snowfall. We have snow in the state, can you imagine? Beautiful.  
Clarke: It's late, go home, m?

-"Okay, I'm bored, should I take your phone from you?" Niylah sat down closer.

\- "Sorry, it's just a text from a friend, there's snow. On the street, I mean," Clarke smiled and took a sip.

They talked for a long time about a lot of things, and Clarke had to leave the phone. She sometimes glanced at the screen, but she was still worried that Lexa was walking down the street somewhere at one in the morning. Even more disturbing was that Lexa didn't answer.

An hour later, Clarke was quite drunk, she had already finished a bottle of Martini. Niylah stood up and pulled Clarke's hand behind her, pulled her into the center of the living room and hugged her.

\- "Let's dance?" Niylah whispered in her ear.

-"Why not," Clarke smiled and laid her hands on the girl's shoulders.

They began to move to the beat of the music and Clarke, swaying her hips, pressed a little against Niylah, who was not impudent and kept a distance that Clarke really liked. She didn't understand why, because it would be possible to get closer and move to more intimate communication. Still, the blonde was satisfied with the pace.

The phone in Clarke's pocket vibrated and the girl, apologizing to Niylah, took out the device.

Lexa: I won't go home, I'll go to the bar.

-"Sorry," Clarke let go of Niylah and walked back to where she was sitting.

«Lexa, please don't drink. Go home, it's late already!» Clarke typed the message and froze. She had no idea whether they had reached the level of communication when she could write such a thing and if she wouldn't go too far. The blonde wholeheartedly wanted Lexa not to be anywhere on the street alone at such a late time, all the more if she were drunk.

Clarke exhaled.

Clarke: Lexa, go home. Tomorrow we can have a drink together if you want.  
Lexa: You're having fun now, I'll go have fun too. I'm tired.

Of what? Clarke stared at the screen for a long time until she jerked at Niylah's touch. The girl took her by the waist from behind, and Clarke suddenly felt awkward.  
She didn't want Niylah to touch her now. Her thoughts were in a different place, but it would be rude of her to remove Niylah's hands from her waist.

\- "Everything okay?" Niylah whispered in Clarke's ear.

-"Yes, everything is fine, I'll be right back," with that, Clarke turned to her and, smiling, took a step back, freeing herself from her embrace.

She didn't return. Clarke went to the table and grabbed a bottle of beer. It was a bad idea to lower the degree, but for some reason, the mood dropped sharply to zero. She didn't know what to answer to Lexa. Didn't know if she had the right to. She wanted to know why Lexa was suddenly tired, given that everything had been more or less normal lately, at least so it seemed to Clarke.

Another hour later, Clarke was sitting silently on the couch. She looked at Niylah while she was dancing and pretended to be smiling, although, in reality, her thoughts were far from here.

Niylah didn't leave Clarke alone not even for a second. At first, Clarke was annoyed. She seemed to feel obligated to pay attention to her, although she was absolutely in no mood for this. But the more Clarke drank, the closer she let the girl come to her. As a result, they were again on the dance floor, and Niylah was already violating Clarke's personal space.

She snuggled closer to the blonde and touched her neck with her lips. Clarke could feel her breathing, heavy and intermittent. She felt lips that were slowly laying a path from her neck to her cheeks and then froze at the corner of her mouth.

Clarke didn't move, she didn't mind, but she didn't want to take the step herself, even when she was already completely drunk.

-"Clarke," Niylah whispered on her lips -"you've been driving me crazy since the first day I saw you."

The blonde opened her mouth to answer, but nothing came out. She turned her head quite a bit towards Niylah, and then Niylah's lips were on hers. She touched her lips timidly and gingerly. Clarke felt them dry. She closed her eyes and succumbed into the kiss, slightly opening her mouth. Clarke let Niylah slip her hands under her shirt and squeeze her tighter to her. Niylah pulled away, forcing Clarke to open her eyes and look at her. The girl was looking at Clarke with half-closed eyes as if she was asking with a look if she could continue. And Clarke didn't know what to answer, she just looked back and waited. The blonde didn't know how she felt. The kiss didn't take her breath away, didn't make it hitch in her throat. There was no strange sensation in her lower abdomen. No, nothing like that. The kiss was just something that happened. It was something normal, but not anyhting more.  
Niylah's gaze also told Clarke that she wanted it to be something else. Something special. The blonde jerked away because the phone vibrated in her back pocket. She immediately stepped out of the trance.

-"Sorry," the blonde smiled uncertainly and reached for her pocket.  
While Clarke unlocked the phone, Niylah touched her face with her palm and looked into her eyes. She squeezed a hand on the blonde's cheek.

Lexa: Clarke, I'm at the entrance.  
-"I'm sorry," Clarke repeated, and, throwing the hand off her face, fussed in search of a handbag.

\- "Something happened?" Niylah followed Clark into the hallway and began to watch how Clarke looked for her jacket - "where are you going?"

-"Niylah, I have to go. Everything is fine, just, well ..." Clarke froze with the clothes in her hands - "just ... I'm sorry, I have to go."

Clarke quickly put on her jacket and began to look for her shoes.

\- "Clarke?" Raven appeared in the hallway.

The blonde didn't want to talk with Niylah, which made her dress so quickly.

-"Raven, I have to go, I ... more precisely," Clarke froze, realizing that she wasn't ready to leave Raven here alone, even knowing that the girl wasn't in danger.

Raven looked at her confused and spread her arms in the air.

They jerked when the doorbell rang.

The owner of the place flew to the front door.

-"Who else has skidded there," she opened the door and immediately abruptly stepped back -"what do you want ???

Lexa stood at the door, leaning on the jamb and staggering

-"I need to talk to Clarke, is she here?" Lexa asked, but then she saw the blonde freezing with a boot in her hand.

\- "Sick! What the hell? What the fuck! Have you forgotten?!" a girl with whom Clarke was not particularly familiar appeared in the hallway - "well, get out of here!"

The girl wanted to slam the door, but Lexa put her foot out and grabbed the door with her hand, not allowing it to be closed.

\- "Sarah, get lost. Clarke?"

Sarah turned to the blonde, and indignantly demanded an explanation.

-"We're leaving now, she came for me, I'm sorry," Clarke suddenly began to fuss, realizing that it would be better for them to capitulate as soon as possible.

-"You won't go anywhere with her, so, Lexa, come on, get out! Take your hand away!" Sarah again tried to close the door.

A sufficient number of curious people had already gathered in the hallway.

\- "I'll go, step back!" Clarke pushed the girl away, she would have gone, but Raven grabbed her shoulder.

\- "Wait for me!" Raven said.

-"Raven, you better stay," Clarke guiltily tilted her head to one side.

-"You forget, Clarke, one boat. Just a minute, I'll just get dressed."

\- "Wait for her outside! Lexa, come on, get out!" Sarah let Clarke pass and closed the door behind them.

Clarke came out, and Lexa immediately turned with her back to her, going to the window.

The door opened, and Niylah appeared.

-"Clarke, is everything okay?"

\- "Yes, everything is fine, go back, please."

-"Do you want to take her home? She's drunk, I can go with you."

\- "Oh, are you now? Would you go ..." Lexa turned to face the girls - "told you to go back!" Lexa growled.

\- "I'll figure out what to do, Cerry!" Niylah glanced at her and came closer to Clarke, grabbed her by the shoulders and pressed her a little to herself, - "I can come, just tell me."

-"Niylah, Raven and I will do it, I don't want to interfere with you. It's alright," Clarke pressed a little against her. Not because she wanted to, but to reassure the girl.  
Lexa spat a little, looking at this picture, then snorted and turned to the window.

\- "I'm ready!" Raven appeared in time because Clarke was not at all comfortable in Niylah's arms in front of Lexa. However, she owed nothing to anyone, especially her. -"Niylah, unstick off her already, go back," Raven said.

Lexa turned, from her look, it was clear that she was also glad that Raven had finally come out. The brunette's gaze darted again to Clarke, who tenderly kissed Niylah on the cheek.

Lexa clenched her jaw and went to the stairs, began to descend to the first floor.

\- "What do you think you're doing?" Clarke pulled the brunette to herself, sharply turning her around. -"What the hell, Lexa?"

-"Let me go," the brunette pulled out her hand and turned away.

\- "No, explain yourself! Why did you come?" Clarke went around her and looked sternly into her eyes.

Lexa was a little confused by this look. She wanted to brush it off again, but she couldn't. Clarke looked at her with a frown and it was visible how she was boiling.

-"I just wanted to see you," the brunette breathed, -"I'm sorry if I disturbed you and Niylah," after all, with these words, Lexa shoved Clarke a little to the side and went to Raven, who was standing further away.

-"You're drunk," Clarke came up and yanked the brunette back to herself -"what does anything have to do with Niylah?"

-"You're drunk too. Can we go?"

Lexa did everything in order not to look the blonde in the eye.

-"What kind of behaviour is this? I do not understand you!" - Clarke snapped - "let's go then." She moved forward.

Raven shrugged and followed after them.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

\- "Where are we going?" Raven finally stopped and stared at the girls, - "are we going somewhere? I just got the feeling that we're just moving somewhere. Is there something waiting for us?"

-“I don't know,” Clarke rolled her eyes, -“Lexa, are we going somewhere?”

The brunette frowned and put her hands deeper into her pockets, looked around: -“We can go to some bar and have a drink.”

-“Great plan,” Clarke walked forward.

Clarke was annoyed with something and couldn't understand what exactly. Why was she mad at Lexa? They continued on in silence and Clarke again plunged into introspection. On a split second, she thought that Lexa was jealous. And that enraged her because it seemed to her that everything would be too good to be the truth. And since when did Clarke want Lexa to be jealous? Apparently from today.

\- "Sorry."  
Clarke turned at Lexa's voice:

\- "For what?

-“Niylah is a good girl, I shouldn't have been too harsh on her ... If you are angry about this, then I'm sorry. I should be more polite, especially since she likes you and you ..."

-“I'm not mad at this,” Clarke clenched her fists in her jacket, it wasn’t enough for Lexa to start a match with her, -“I’m angry that you came and started talking with such ambition as if I owed you something!”

-“You owe me nothing,” in the brunette’s intonation appeared irritation again.

\- "Precisely. If you wanted me to go out, you could have behaved more kindly. I'm not your dog.” Clarke began to raise her voice. She didn't have the time to control neither her emotions nor the flow of words that escaped her.

\- "You're right! You were having a moment with Niylah, and I unceremoniously came, pulled you out of the company where you felt good. Who am I to behave this way! Sorry, I should respect your personal life, this will not happen again."

-“Thank you, I would really appreciate it,” Clarke snapped. Lexa using Niylah’s name irritated her again.

\- "Stop both of you, damn it! If you got drunk, at least behave appropriately, what has come into both of you?" Raven pulled Clarke's hand - "calm down I said!"

-“I'm calm,” the blonde raised her voice and pulled out her hand. Clarke walked on silently, but there were too many emotions in her that really wanted to get out.

-“I don’t understand, Lexa,” Clarke suddenly spun around and took a step toward the brunette -“you are constantly changing your mood. You either run away proudly, or you are rude! Besides, we sort of figured it out and you began to consider me as your friend, but again you begin to behave abnormally! So that you know, I will not allow anyone to treat me like this, not even my mother! I put myself in your position, I was patient, but now you come again and throw such phrases at me with irritation, what the hell is that? It’s not the best timing!"

\- "It's because of me, you have all these problems!“ Lexa also took a step toward Clarke,” I was angry not on you, but at ... I was just mad, can I have a bad mood? Nobody asked you to be soft with me, nobody asked you anything at all!"

-“Bitch,” Clarke hissed, and turning around, she took another step.

She drank too much to control herself, drank too much to think about what she was saying. Everything has accumulated, and now she has given it a way out. Clarke was angry with Lexa, furious with herself that she had a crush on a person who didn't care about her. She wanted to be rude to her, but she also wanted to talk nicely, wanted to leave. It would seem that everything was working out, but no. Clarke again felt that she needed to run after Lexa and grovel. «Lexa is in a bad mood. Lexa is sad again. Lexa, don’t be angry, I’ll swallow everything. If you want to sweep all your resentment and anger on me, then here I am, Clarke, who has fallen in love with you and will tolerate everything! Ugh, fuck! How many times? Only she was to blame, she went for it. Bitch, it’s not the right time for patience.» Clarke was so drunk that she seemed to say these words out loud.

-“Clarke, here's the bar! Come here!" Raven called out to her. The blonde turned around and returned ten meters back.

Lexa opened the door and playfully made a gesture with her hand, so Clarke walked in first.

***

\- "Malik ... Mali ..."

Clarke opened her eyes. Everything was moving around, and it was impossible to concentrate. Complete darkness. It felt like she was spinning inside a black sphere. She seemed to be vomiting now. Where was she at all?

\- "Malik ...”

Clarke felt a blow to the side and twitched, finally opening her eyes. She heard Lexa's voice nearby, but she couldn’t focus on it, she must at least understand where she was.

The blonde raised on her elbows and tried to take a closer look. It was as if she was planted inside the sphere as an astronaut, they had cut out the light and began to twist, switching speeds.

-“Fuck,” the girl sat down and clutched her head, closing her eyes. She heard a voice from the side, but she was not up to it, she wanted these fucking turns to stop. Otherwise, she would be vomiting right on ... where was she? Clarke opened her eyes a bit. She was on the bed, this was her bed. This was already good ... No, not really. She didn’t really want to puke on her bed.

The girl rubbed her eyes and, barely moving, so as not to provoke vomiting now, was trying to gently slide down.

“Fuck,” she moaned again, and now she already felt the floor with her feet. The blonde slipped down from the bed so that she didn't have to step over Lexa. Where did Lexa come from? What was there to hop over, she just crawled, without lifting her body from the bed. It was worth it now that she stood on her feet. -“Damn,” the girl wheezed, and, clutching her mouth, rose. She felt how vomiting was rising up, and now there was no time at all. Clarke turned on the last speed and ran into the bathroom.

At full speed and in total darkness, the girl crashed her forehead into the door jamb and groaned, closing her eyes, causing her to see stars. She flew onto the toilet, grabbing it with her arms.

And so, sitting over the toilet and thinking about whether she got into it, the blonde was trying to remember the last time she had drank this way.

Ten minutes later, she was ready to pray that these feeling of nausea would end, because she turned her guts out, but there was no more fluid in the body.

\- "Fucking tequila!" Clarke cried out, again almost diving into the toilet, -“God,” the girl groaned, promising herself that she would no longer drink in such quantity.

\- "Water?" was heard in the dark.

\- "Damn it!" Clarke bounced off the toilet and crashed the back of her head against the wall, - "what the hell".

The darkness in the bathroom abruptly disappeared, and Clarke moaned loudly from the cutting light.

-“Take it,” this hoarse sleepy voice belonged to Lexa, -“I'm sorry for the light. Otherwise, I wouldn't have found you here.”

-“Thank you,” Clarke mumbled barely audible and, squinting from the light, fumbled with her hand in the air in search of a glass, which, apparently, Lexa was holding out for her.The brunette took Clarke's hand and put the glass in it:  
-“You don't know how to drink at all.”

-“Thank you, I will manage without your comments,” Clarke snarled and drank all the water in one gulp.

Five minutes later, Clarke returned to the room and froze in the doorway. Lexa sat on the windowsill and looked out the window.

\- "Lie down, it will begin to grow light now, we must sleep it off." Clarke said.

-“Thank you, but I won't fall asleep anymore,” the brunette answered without turning.

-“It starts,” Clarke whispered and rolled her eyes, returning to bed and burrowing under the covers.

Clarke didn't want to crouch anymore in front of Lexa. If she wanted, then she would lie down, and if not, then it was her problem. Especially after the way she behaved, which Clarke remembered well despite her condition ... Her memories of how she got home faded a bit from her mind. The blonde perfectly remembered the quarrel in the bar and the sharpness of Lexa, remembered the feeling that there was nothing good between them. As if Clarke was ready to swallow any attitude to herself. But this was not true.

-“I was angry with you and angry that you are communicating with these people,” Lexa said quietly.

Clarke sighed and, giving their communication today another chance, crawled out from under the covers. 

\- "I know that they all turned away from you, I remember that. But they don’t say anything bad about you ... Well, they say sometimes, but not bad." Clarke said.

\- "Once I did a lot of things for them and helped them out more than once, but now I have to put up with the looks they give me. They look at me as if I am a leper." Lexa answered.

\- "When they look at you, they immediately remember what they have. About what they may lose. It’s unpleasant for them to look at you just because you can take it all away. This is a human factor, Lexa, you should forgive them."

“I never gave a damn about everyone except my brother, and I didn't care about them. None of them was my friend. It's just that they are people to whom I could do a favour, and I didn't feel sorry for them. People who were pleasant to me. I can't forgive, realizing that once they depended on me, and now they are sitting there and smiling. They are having fun. Everyone has fun. Only a person who has nothing, a miserable who has absolutely nothing to lose, could communicate with me. Cool. And at them, of course ... They are the elite of our area. All of this enrages me, it enrages me that they pull you there and it enrages me that you like it because they are not bad people."

There was a lump in Clarke's throat, and her heart clenched. Lexa herself didn't notice how she said something that was not worth mentioning. Clarke had something to lose, her job ... Raven, who was about to fly out of her work. She had something to lose!

The blonde pressed her hand to the carotid plexus in an attempt to calm herself, even if only to breathe. In a second, she felt the infernal pain inside of Lexa's words, which she spoke so easily. It hurt, it was too painful to hear.

\- "Sorry, I was wrong to lay all of that on you. It is not right."

Lexa looked back at Clarke, who was lying almost face down in the pillow and didn't look at her.

The brunette strolled to the bed and laid on her back next to Clarke.

-“I'm not a very emotional person, Clarke, I’m rather indifferent to everything. I either have fun or don't care, nothing could get me mad. When I thought that you were there, among them ... How you were having fun, that you were having fun with them, I became angry. This anger ... Damn. I don’t know what to feel. The emptiness was better, and now hatred and anger are beginning to replace emptiness. On people and ... Clarke?" Lexa laid on her side and looked at the girl.

-“I had something to lose,” Clarke whispered, and a tear rolled down on the pillow, paving the path through the bridge of the nose.

\- "What?" Lexa asked, not because she didn’t hear, but trying to understand why Clarke said those words.

-“I had something to lose, Lexa. And I'm not miserable,” Clarke bit her lower lip so as not to cry. These words were repeated in her head, she now cursed everything in the world, hating herself for helping Lexa and for bringing her to her house. How much she wanted Lexa to immediately convince her of the opposite. Still, the brunette just silently laid there and looked with her mouth open. The more time passed, the more Clarke brought herself to a state of complete out-of-control emotions, spinning more and more. Every second and every thought crashed with a sharp needle into her chest, responding throughout her body. She pressed her hands closer to her, not giving vent to tears. Not allowing her to, not next to Lexa.

-“I'm sorry,” the brunette exhaled, barely audibly, and at the same moment Clarke broke. Tears rolled one by one from her eyes, it seemed it couldn’t have been more painful.

-“It's okay,” the blonde replied and turned to the wall. She opened her mouth wide to exhale. If only she wouldn't have been heard ... Because of her tears, she couldn’t see, she wanted to drown out this impulse and not show Lexa how much pain she felt now. 

She tried to breathe soundlessly, but because to do this, she had to open her mouth. Clarke raised her hand and, grabbing a blanket, bit it. She really wanted to stay alone. If only Lexa left ... Clarke cried soundlessly, how she does it was incomprehensible. Under her cheek, the entire pillow was already wet. Thoughts that Lexa referred to her this way developed with a geometric progression. Self-anger and hatred towards the brunette. Why did she want so much that Lexa refuted her own words? To hug her from behind and calm her down, to do at least something! To notice that she had offended Clarke! But she would not see, now she would just get up and leave because she hated to lie next to someone and even more so to sleep. A hug? It was not about Lexa at all. Each thought gave Clarke indescribable pain and brought more tears.

The blonde drew air into her lungs and, again opening her mouth, slowly released it. She felt the movement nearby, and now she was waiting for Lexa to get up and leave, which would have been expected and so typical for the brunette. She stopped breathing, she really wanted Lexa to leave, but if she did, Clarke swore to herself that she would never forgive her and would never let her go a step further.

Clarke felt the body next to her clinging to her, and Lexa's hand slipped under her arm for a second and settled on Clarke's stomach. The blonde finally stopped breathing. For a moment, it seemed like an illusion. As if Clarke just wanted it to happen and she was completing the picture in her head. But it was a reality, she felt the movement of Lexa’s hands and felt her so close with herself ... She lost count even on her breath, the whole world ceased to exist. There were only her and the brunette’s hand on her stomach, which began to press the blonde even closer.

Lexa moved closer, and Clarke could feel her breath in her ear.

-“I'm not talking about you, I would never say that about you,” Lexa whispered, barely audible, snuggling even closer to Clarke's body. 

Clarke twitched and, together with a new portion of tears, a loud moan erupted from her, mixed with a sob. Lexa immediately pressed the blonde even closer to herself.

-“Baby, you're such a baby,” Lexa whispered.

Clarke cried in her arms, completely uncontrollable and she didn’t care if Lexa heard or not, she didn’t care about anything at all. Everything just broke out and this, it would seem, had no end or edge, but soon she calmed down and breathed measuredly, listening to Lexa’s breath. 

The brunette stroke her belly and periodically snuggled closer to Clarke, making it clear that she was nearby, that she would not go anywhere.

-“Baby,” Lexa whispered once more, but quietly, as if for herself.

They laid there for some more time until Clarke felt herself beginning to fall asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

Earlier

-“Lexa, don't leave...” the girl dropped on the bed and the brunette’s gaze fell on her bare chest.

-“I can't, Amanda. Eve will call me if I don't arrive on time. I don’t need a problem, and neither do you.” Lexa took the leather jacket from her chair and threw it over her shoulders.

-“God, how boring you are. At least kiss me goodbye? God knows when I'll see you again," the blonde took a cigarette from the nightstand and lit it.

-“I don't kiss whores,” Lexa grinned, throwing twenty bucks on the table.

-“I’ll kick your ass for the whore,” the blonde got out of bed and went to Lexa.

-“I love your breasts, but you won’t stop me now,” Lexa glanced again at the girl’s naked breasts and headed for the exit, putting her phone in her pocket. - "Buy yourself something to eat, your mouse hanged."

-“Without you, I will hang myself. Lexa, please. Leave her ... You don’t love her," the girl caught up the brunette and hugged her from behind.

\- "And who told you that I love you? Let me go, though, I have to go.”

Amanda snorted, but still, let her out of her arms.

One week later

Lexa was sat on a windowsill and was looking at the city at night.  
Only today she realized how not free she was, how dependent on Eve and her father she was. She always knew this, but it suited her.

-“Let's go to bed,” Amanda quietly went up and hugged the brunette from behind.

-“They will find out about you, sooner or later they will. We need to stop this. Her father will not spare you."

-“I don't care, Lexa, I love you, remember?”

The brunette brushed off the girl's hands.

-“You have to go. For the night ...”

\- "We can have sex, but to sleep, I have to go home, I remember. I thought you'd want one more time.” The girl playfully pulled Lexa toward herself.

-“You have to go,” the brunette tried to take her hand away from her.

-“Look at me,” Amanda looked into Lexa’s eyes.

\- "God, do you have problems with hearing?" again in annoyance. - "Go already!"

Lexa hated it when they violated her space. Amanda sighed and went into the dressing room. Lexa returned her gaze to the city.

It was time to do something about it.

Lexa closed the door behind Amanda and let out a sigh of relief. Well, why everyone wanted something more than just ... physical contact? Why was everyone talking about love and about feelings, why all this was required and expected from her? Lexa and Amanda have been sleeping together for a long time. She liked that the girl didn't press, she gave Lexa emotions that Lexa couldn't get from Eve, but recently the girl began to wait for something in exchange. Now Amanda has become unbearable in large quantities. 

The doorbell rang. Lexa, who had not yet time to move away from the door, opened the lock and swang open the door.

\- "What, you forgot your undies?" the brunette blurted out, but then her mouth hung wide open and took a step back.  
The man stepped into the apartment and grabbed Lexa by the arm, pulling her out onto the landing. He didn't even give her the time to put on her shoes.

The brunette knew who it was. Bad, too bad foreboding. Her heart was pounding like crazy. She walked next to him barefoot but didn't ask unnecessary questions. It was high time she kept silent.

-“Hello, Lexa,” the middle-aged man nodded to her.

The brunette fidgeted in the car seat and swallowed. She still had to look into Eve’s father’s eyes.

-“That's the situation we have, Lexa. Unpleasant."

\- "What are you doing here?"

-“My daughter called me and told me about what happened between you. I’m not at all up to her tantrums and your quarrels, but I have come anyway and what did I found out?"

-“Does she already know?” The brunette asked quietly.

-“Yes, Lexa, she knows. What will we do? Your options," the man lit a cigar and looked at the girl.

-“I want to break up with your daughter, I don't love her,” Lexa said dryly, knowing that she was most likely making a huge mistake.

\- "Do you see the car from behind?"

Lexa looked around and nodded.

“Your girlfriend is in the trunk right now. You made your choice, and now get out of the car."

The guard opened the door and didn't let the brunette say a word, he threw her on the sidewalk.

Lexa watched in a daze, as the car started off, and both of the cars left her street one by one.

Now

The brunette jumped up, and Clarke grabbed her by the shoulders, tugging at herself.

-“Lexa, this is just a dream,” Clarke frowned and squeezed her shoulders harder.

-“Let me go,” Lexa threw off her hands. -“Damn, I have to go. Clarke, I'm sorry.”

-“Tell me,” Clarke sat down on the bed, and Lexa, taking a deep breath, turned around.

She told Clarke.

-“Are you afraid of something, or do you just want to run away from me all the time?” Clarke smiled, although the story made her nervous. Mostly for herself, it was because she was in love. How would she not be? But ... with Lexa’s attitude, this didn’t scare her.

\- "Now I'm starting to worry. I am ready to admit the fact that you are my friend. Friend, Clarke. This is the first time I’m ready to call someone a friend.” Lexa tilted her head to one side.

-“That's great,” Clarke gouged a smile and nervously squeezed her jaw. «Congratulations, friend, you are now officially in the friend zone.» It would be better in the trunk, by golly.

***

Clarke has spent too much time in her new job over the past two weeks. Chinatown turned out to be friendly to her, and the owner of the establishment was very kind to Clarke.

Everything, it would seem, was adjusted until today, when a suspiciously rich girl entered the cafe. Clarke was surprised, but she didn’t spare her a glance.

The blonde served her like she would anyone else. The guest watched her too closely, and the blonde was annoyed. Most likely, it was because she worked among the Chinese.

-“Bring the score,” the girl said, not looking at the blonde, who was putting empty plates on the tray. “Clarke ...”

The blonde looked up and caught the girl’s eyes on her badge.

\- "Yes?"

-“It's wet here, wipe it,” the guest smiled.

Clarke frowned. She quickly went to carry the tray and returned with a rag, wiping out the wet spot.  
-“And here,” the girl glanced at the clean place.

Clarke obediently rubbed there. She definitely liked working as a bartender.  
\- "Now, the score."

When the girl left, the owner called Clarke to him and fired her, apologizing, but without explaining anything.

Clarke didn't have to think long to understand who this person was. The only thing that was not clear was why she decided to come here in person. To see with who Lexa was talking to?

Without work again.

Clarke wasn't going to tell anyone about it, not even Raven. Yes, she didn’t even want for Raven to know. She needed to come up with something. If Lexa found out that Clarke had lost another job because of her ... After all, everything has just worked out between them, and they began to communicate regularly, even more than that, it seemed that everything was working out for everyone.  
This was just a job, no big deal. Moreover, she had something to live on, and this was all nonsense.  
Clarke smiled to herself, she believed in her thoughts, and they were reassuring.

Niylah: Hi, beauty, when will I see you?  
Clarke: Right now if you want to, I was released earlier today. If you want, you can come.  
Niylah: Japanese or Mexican?  
Clarke: Japanese and more soy =))

Clarke smiled at the phone and, putting it in her pocket, reached for the keys.

The blonde froze with her hand in her pocket. The door to her apartment was ajar. Her heart skipped a beat, and Clarke swallowed, touched the handle and pushed.

There was no one in the hallway, and the apartment was quiet.

Clarke took her knife from her bag and went into the apartment.

The first thing she saw when she entered the room was the empty caskets on the floor where her jewels laid. She turned her eyes to the place where she was hiding money under the floor. The board was not there.

Clarke exhaled heavily and fell to her knees, pushing her bag and knife aside. Her head was empty.She had no idea what she felt. Nothing, emptiness. She just sat and looked in front of her for about ten minutes. This money would be enough for six months. No work, no money. Clarke nervously jerked the corner of her lip.

The phone vibrated in her pocket. Clarke pulled it out, looking at the display.

Lexa: Are you all right?

Clarke frowned.

Clarke: Yes, why?  
Lexa: No, nothing. Never mind, just a bad feeling.

Clarke dropped her hand with the phone to the floor. What was next? What to do next?  
God, well, money, it was just money. Everything would be fine, everything would be fine again. The main thing was to believe it again. Would Clarke let some bitch ruin her life? Let her ruin her relationship with Lexa?

In one second, emotions swept over the girl, and she hit her hand with the phone on the floor, and then with all her might threw him at the wall. The device scattered.

Clarke covered her face with her hands.  
\- "Shhh, everything is fine. Everything is fine, me too. This is just money. Heck!"

Clarke jumped up and, grabbing a vase from the nightstand, sent her after the telephone.  
\- "Fucking bitch! What would you ... ” Clarke stopped short.

She went into the kitchen and set the kettle down to make coffee. Although now she wanted something stronger.  
Holding herself back so as not to throw a kettle or mug at the wall, Clarke closed her eyes and began to meditate mentally. Repeating to herself the same thing that «everything will be fine.»

Clarke stumbled and went into the room for her bag, she needed to smoke. Smoke and calm down.

-“Hey,” came a voice from the hallway. -“Why didn’t you close the door?”

Clarke blew smoke and squeezed a cigarette with her fingers.

-“Clarke, you ...”

Clarke felt Niylah behind her. She wanted the girl to hug her, or maybe she wanted to hit her, or maybe kick out ... She didn’t know how to feel ... 

Niylah kept asking something, but Clarke could no longer hear her. She threw the cigarette on the floor and put it out with her foot.

Clarke turned around, took a step toward the girl, grabbed her by the neck and pulled her to her, kissing her. Niylah pulled back sharply.

\- "Clarke, what happened?" the girl's face became serious and even a little pale.

-“Nothing, God, kiss me,” Clarke pulled her back to herself again, but Niylah put a hand on Clarke's chest and didn't allow it.

\- "What happened?" She put Clarke's second hand on her cheek. -“Clarke, you scare me, what happened?”

-“Damn,” Clarke pushed the girl away and turned away.

A lump came up in the blonde’s throat, and she felt the tears treacherously approaching.

Niylah turned her to herself, and in blue eyes, she saw a sparkle, another second and ...

Niylah pulled Clarke to her and kissed her. Clarke responded to the kiss and, skipping her tongue to the girl's mouth, Clarke began to cry. Tears flowed, the more she suffocated from the approaching hysteria, the rougher the kiss became.

Niylah let herself be touched and bitten despite the pain. She also let Clarke roughly hold her hair. Clarke pulled away, swallowing air. Niylah wiped her tears and kissed her again.

-“Clarke, I ...”

The blonde was twitching. It seemed that it couldn’t have been more painful, but this voice finally cut into her chest with a sharp knife. Her whole body was paralyzed.

\- "Sorry." said the voice again.

Niylah pulled away from the numb Clarke and looked at her pale face.

It would seem that here it was ... the most terrible day in the blonde’s life, but no, she was wrong. The worst was yet to come, and what she now felt was simply nothing.  
But at the moment, Clarke didn’t think so.

She quickly wiped away her tears and, apologizing to Niylah, ran out of the room.

She ran out onto the landing, no one.

Clarke scolded herself. Yes, Lexa made it clear that Clarke was a friend to her, and not only in that day when she said those words, but she did everything for the next two weeks so that Clarke would stop tormenting herself. Then why did she feel guilty?

With these thoughts, she entered the kitchen and stopped at the doorstep. Lexa was standing at the window and turned slowly.

-“Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. I just brought you something,” Lexa nodded toward the table.

Clarke was hurt. It hurt that Lexa didn't care. In her heart, she hoped that the girl at least would be jealous.

\- "What is it?" Clarke tried not to give away that something happened to her and hoped that no signs on her face would betray her.

\- "These are books. You are fond of medicine. Well, I was in the bookstore, and these were recommended to me.”

Clarke peeked into the bag. Huge hardback books. Expensive. Clarke nodded.

-“Thank you,” Clarke turned towards the teapot, which had recently boiled.

\- "What happened to your face?"

-“Hi, Lexa,” Niylah walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table.

-“Hi,” the brunette replied dryly. - "Clarke?"

\- "And what happened to it?" without looking at Lexa, Clarke asked, pouring herself coffee.

-“It's red and ... What happened?”

\- "Clarke?" Niylah supported Lexa in her tone.

-“Did something happen between you?”

-“Between us, Lexa? You’d better know what happened to her, you are the sponsor of all the adversity!"

-“What adversity, what are you talking about?” Lexa raised her tone.

-“Clarke, tell Lexa what happened to you. I am more than sure that she is involved in this."

-“Shut up,” Lexa snarled.

\- "Shut up you both!" Clarke threw a cup of boiling water into the sink, and it scattered with a bang. She turned to the girls.  
\- "Nothing happened! Enough."

Both girls opened their mouths and, with bated breath, even fear, looked at the trembling and reddened Clarke, whose lips began to tremble.

-“Go away,” Clarke said through gritted teeth. - "Both of you."

\- "Clarke, what happened?" Niylah got up and walked up to Clarke in an attempt to hug the girl, but was immediately met with resistance.

-“Go away, Niylah, please.”

-“Ok,” the girl nodded in understanding and, casting a glance towards Lexa, left the kitchen.

\- "Me too?" Lexa walked up to Clarke.

-“Yes, please,” the blonde looked away from her, although Lexa was the only person from whom she would be ready to take a hug now, in whose hands she allowed herself to roar. But didn’t she cry too many tears over this girl already? Clarke was ready to put up with Lexa’s friendship, but she didn't want to put up with Lexa pitying her.  
She needed to handle it. She needed to be alone.

Moreover, Lexa wanted to know, and to tell her meant to push her away. She should never know that she was guilty for something else.

-“Clarke, if I have anything to do with this, tell me. We agreed. I won't go anywhere unless you ask."

-“Go away,” Clarke turned away.

Lexa silently left the kitchen. On her way to the hallway, she looked into the room and saw a broken phone, fragments of a vase, a box on the floor. This made the girl go into the room and look closer.

Her eyes fell on a hole in the floor next to the windowsill. She took a step and squatted.  
Lexa frowned as she studied the hole and the hardwood floors flung to one side.

-“Damn it,” Lexa rose to her feet.

Looking around for the last time, she quickly stepped towards the exit.

\- "Are you still here?" Lexa went to the exit, not looking at the smoking Niylah next to the elevator.

-“You know that it's all your fault.”

Lexa stopped.

\- "Leave her alone, haven't you played her enough?"

\- "What bullshit are you saying?" Lexa turned around and walked over to the girl.

-“Lexa, Clarke doesn't know you, but I know you too well. Everyone knows you better than she does. Why do you need it?" Niylah puts out a cigarette butt. -“Or are you lonely? If that is the case, get a dog! I don’t know, choose someone else, but leave her alone before you completely ruin her life."

Lexa was silent, but everything was boiling inside her.

-“Or before they bury her like they did with Amanda.”

The brunette took a step and, grabbing Niylah by the neck, hit her head against the wall.

\- "Don't you dare!"

\- "Let me go!" Niylah pushed the girl away and grabbed her head. -"Damn it, Lexa! You don't understand? If she is important to you, don't turn her life into hell! We both know what Eve is capable of! Do you really think she’s calmed down?"

-“No, I don't think so,” Lexa turned with her back to the girl.

\- "Forgive my earlier words about Clarke being a toy for you. I know that Clarke is not indifferent to you. Even more than a friend."  
Lexa looked back.

-“But since Clarke doesn’t know this,” Niylah went to the exit. -“It's complicated, Lexa. And not to be selfish in such a situation is a cliche of noble people. Like Clarke. Think about what Clarke would do in your place?"

Niylah left, and the door slammed behind her.

Lexa remembered the promise she gave to Clarke. She knew perfectly well that Niylah was right. As if she made a significant discovery… Lexa didn't spend a day without these thoughts. Anyone in Niylah’s place would say that.

Lexa stepped out of the doorway and was numb. A black Mercedes stood across the road.

Clarke looked out the window. With all her heart, now she wanted Lexa to return. She was completely alone, and now this loneliness was causing incredible pain. She couldn’t even call Raven now ... Although maybe she could walk to her.

Clarke was about to leave the window, as she saw Lexa crossing the road and as the car door opened, a girl came out.

Clarke broke a cigarette in her hand, and her heart galloped.  
She didn't believe her eyes. Didn't believe what was happening. Why today? What did she want? Why did she come?

She talked with Lexa and Clarke was afraid that the brunette would sit in that damn car, that she would get inside and Clarke would not see her again. But Lexa promised to her!

Clarke realized what this bitch could tell Lexa. If Clarke really became for Lexa that very friend, then she didn’t give a damn, so she could easily be convinced to feel sorry for Clarke. Easier to be influenced.

After all, she herself ... she herself would have left Lexa, so that God forbid nothing threatened her life ... It seemed that Lexa could only be pressured and this was now standing in front of Clarke's house.

The blonde broke away and, running into the room, grabbed a knife from the floor. She would not let that bitch so easily offend her or the brunette. She would not allow them to be manipulated like puppets! They were people, not toys!

Clarke forgot about the elevator and everything else. She ran down, jumping over the stairs. She was rushing too fast, and she had only one desire: to put everything in its place. Today.

What would this bitch do to her? Put her in the trunk? So what? Let that happen. Life was complete shit. The only person whom she loved so sincerely could leave her and this was much more than the loss of money and work. Even than the loss of study, which Clarke so dreamed of.

What was she to her? Who? Why was everything inside her torn from the mere thought of losing Lexa?

Let Eve take everything from Clarke. Everything, but not Lexa.

The blonde got out from the entrance and, without looking around, rushed to the car.

Eve backed away, and Lexa, quickly oriented, blocked Clarke's path.

-“Clarke, calm down, calm down.” Lexa grabbed her by the shoulders.

\- "Don't you dare! Do you understand? Don't dare! You won’t take anything from me! Get out, otherwise I'll kill you,” Clarke tried to tear Lexa’s hands off herself.

She wanted to come up and hit this smug bitch who was now standing and smiling widely.

-“Clarke, I have nothing more to take from you. You have nothing,” the girl laughed.

\- "Eve, shut up!" Lexa turned her head back. -“Clarke, calm down, everything will be fine.”

\- "No, it will not! What did she tell you? What, Lexa?"

-“I told her that I love her and I want her to come back to me,” Eve took a step towards Clarke.

-“She will not return to you! Don't come, otherwise I will kill you!"

Lexa tried to take the knife from Clarke’s hand, and in the end, she succeeded.

-“Clarke, please calm down.”

\- "I will not calm down! She is right! I have nothing! She took everything, everything! And now she wants to take you away! You promised me, Lexa!"

-“Lexa will come with me, Clarke. Don't be hysteric. Lexa, we gotta go."

\- "She's not a dog for you! Lexa, let me go!"

\- "Clarke, calm down".

\- "Friends, you say?" Eve laughed, looking at the brunette.

\- "Eve, shut up!" Lexa let go of Clarke's one hand, held the other one and turned to her ex-girlfriend.

\- "No, Lexa. Don’t you see? This silly girl is in love with you, head over heels. Naive creature."

Clarke felt a hand tightening on her wrist, her heart tightening and tears coming in. A lump in her throat made it impossible to breathe. It hurt too much. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

\- "Stop dramatizing! I'm tired. Lexa, let's go."

-“She ...” Clarke whispered, grabbing Lexa with both her hands, -“she won’t go anywhere with you ...”

\- "It's up to her. Lexa doesn't give a damn about you. Although I believe that you became her friend. You are so ... compassionate, baby. But not her taste. I’m more than sure you both didn't even fuck. Isn’t it so, Lexa? You would never have begun to fall for this ..."

-“Shut your mouth,” the brunette growled. - "Shut up! Enough!"

Clarke began to choke. She couldn’t hold back tears, but couldn’t be angry either. She was holding Lexa and she would never let her go. She would endure even these humiliations. She would tolerate the fact that Lexa didn't object and didn't defend her. The pain in her chest was so severe that it gave off throughout her body.

\- "Lexa, tell her already and let's go, look she grabbed you, God forbid, she’ll leave you bruises."

-“Clarke, let go,” Lexa turned to the blonde.

-“Lexa, please, you promised ... please.”

“Clarke, this is necessary. You’ll understand everything. Everything will work out for you. You ... she will return everything to you that she took. Do you understand?"

-“She's taking you! I don't care about the rest. Are you really so stupid, Lexa?"

-“Clarke, please ...” Lexa leaned toward the girl.

-“I love you,” Clarke whispered, and the first tear made a path on her cheek, followed by a second one. It became difficult to control herself. Inside her, everything was compressed with such force that it seemed impossible to breathe.

\- "That's it. Enough, Lexa! What a performance, by golly!" Eve came up to the brunette and pulled, grabbing her forearm.

-“No,” Clarke looked into green eyes.

-“Clarke, let go.”

The blonde’s hands unclenched. The air became so heavy, as if it were a whole test to let it pass into her lungs. She didn't expect it, she didn't believe her eyes and ears.  
She couldn’t ... she couldn’t be so wrong. She was starting to see black, her head was spinning. She no longer understood whether she was crying or just standing. She didn't understand what her expression was and what she felt.

Lexa took a step. Clarke understood. She felt that Lexa was moving away, but it didn’t matter anymore.  
It didn’t matter.

-“Clarke, everything will be fine.”

The blonde could no longer hear these words, she didn't hear anything except the hum in her ears.

She turned around and took a step toward the porch. Just like that. She had to go home. To just get home.

Clarke walked up to the porch and probably let her go a little. She let her go until she turned around and saw how the car drove off.

Her palms clenched into fists, Clarke's nails broke into her skin. She was trying to do everything so as not to sob right then and there.

\- "Clarke!"

The blonde twitched and saw Raven on the other side, waving her hand.

Raven. Yes exactly! She needed Raven. Lord, how did she need her best friend now. It was as if a ton of cargo had fallen from her soul at the sight of Raven.

Clarke smiled nervously and ran forward. She needed salvation in the form of her friend. She needed to hug her.

\- "Clarke! Clarke, wait !!!"

The blonde stopped when Raven started waving her arms.

A second of pain, just a second. And the rumble. A rumble in her ears, as if a high-speed train had passed in about five centimeters from her. The rumble turned into a strangled whistle, and Clarke looked at the sky. She couldn’t feel her body. What happened? She saw Raven's face obscuring the view of the clouds. Raven ... why was she screaming. What was she screaming? She couldn’t hear.

It was getting dark. No, no, she needed to talk to Raven. She would help her, she would hug her. She needed to talk, needed to tell ...


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

-“Hey, Clarke.” Raven went into the room and put the bag on the chair. -“You won't talk to me again?”

Raven went around the bed and sat in a chair opposite Clarke, who was lying on side, puting hands under the pillow.  
-“Clarke, can you at least look at me?” Raven leaned over. - "Please. It pains me to see you so ... empty. At least I want to know what happened. I beg you."

Raven got up and went to the bed, sat on the edge and put her hand on the blonde's shoulder.

-“Aren't you interested in what's wrong with you? Your mom is worried ... You have a concussion. The face is broken, but there is something patched up, you'll be like  
new. I’m more concerned about your morale status," Raven got off the bed and squatted in front of Clarke’s face,

-“You seem to regret being alive. Clarke, you hurt me, understand? Tell me, please, what happened? Everyone thinks that you have depression and you don’t eat,  
because you don’t want to ... live. I don't want to believe it."

Silence. Clarke, as she looked into the void through Raven, continued to look.

\- "Heck!"

Raven got to her feet.

-“Clarke, do you remember what happened to me? A?! Can you imagine how I didn’t want to see anyone? I wanted to be alone. Yes, I wanted to die, but I didn’t push  
you away!" Raven turned to scream. She couldn't be ignorant. Four days have passed since Clarke was brought to the hospital.  
Raven came every day, she, like Clarke's mother, waited patiently. But Clarke always lay on her side, then on the other side. She didn't eat, didn't drink. She either slept  
or looked. Sometimes Raven seemed like Clarke didn't even blink.

Feeling frightened that Clarke didn't want anything. The blonde's eyes were sometimes so glassy that it seemed as if a dead person was lying on the bed, and Raven  
was unable to cope with the approaching hysteria, she just left the room and cried.

Today, Raven decided that she would no longer allow Clarke to slowly kill herself.

-“Clarke, they’ll give you a probe if you don’t start drinking or eating. Do you understand that? Into the nose! Do you want this? I asked your mother to give you time,  
but the procedures that are carried out with you are not enough! Are you ready to put tubes in you? Perfectly."

Raven walked around the ward, holding head. She had no idea how to convince a blonde to eat on her own.

-“I was in your apartment. I saw what happened. Clarke, if it’s about money, then it’s all nonsense!“ Raven wasn't sure if that was the case. She felt that Lexa was  
involved in this, whose phone was out of range. Niylah couldn't explain anything either. Raven took a deep breath and decided to take a chance. She gave Clarke  
enough time, now it's time to try everything. -“Clarke, I brought something. These are books."

Raven looked at the blonde's reaction. Nothing.

\- "They were packed, it seemed to me that you didn't open. I discovered it myself. There is something written on the last page. I will read."

Raven went to the bag and pulled out a large book. Sat down in front of the blonde and opened it.

-“Clarke," Raven began, and glanced at the blonde. Maybe Clarke saw it, but it was worth a try ... - "I thought for a long time what to give you. The other day was  
Christmas, which we didn't celebrated. Each of us was lonely on this family holiday. I didn't want to impose my company on you, I was not sure that I was worthy to be  
around that day."

Raven noticed Clarke jerk a little.

-“I asked myself the question what do you like the most. These books are the only thing that occurred to me. I hope you enjoy them. And more... I know for sure that  
I can’t tell you this in the face, I don’t know how, and I never had to do this. I didn't even have much time to say to my brother, but to you ... I had a dream from the  
past, and I am very afraid that ... In general, I just want you to know, and I hope that at least I have the courage to write it.

Raven swallowed. It was hard for her to read, although she had seen this text more than once.

Clarke's eyes began to shine and this didn't facilitate the task.

-“Clarke, I want to thank you for saving me. You breathed life into me. Looking at you, I realized that no material values can be compared with human kindness and  
warmth. When someone believes in you, when you don’t believe in yourself ... You always looked at me as something beautiful. I was dying under your gaze, I wanted  
to justify it. I wanted to be better for you. I cowed sometimes because I was afraid that I wouldn't live up to your expectations and sacrifices. You are different. You are  
not like everyone I have ever known. You are something bright, but at the same time so dangerous and powerful. I don’t know how all these qualities can coexist in  
one person. So I imagine how you beat someone, shouting some slogans such as «world in peace, beating someone is bad, love will defeat everything, etc ...» You are  
unusual ... I fell in love with you in the first day we sat in the kitchen. I can’t believe that I am writing this, Clarke, I ..."

-“Shut up,” Clarke hisses through her teeth, -“shut up, Raven.”

Raven nearly dropped the book. It was of course progress, but what she saw now in Clarke's eyes, walked on the back goosebumps and cold.

-“Clarke ...”

-“Get out, Raven,” Clarke raised her head slightly, -“get out.”

\- "Clarke, be quiet. Ok? Please."

Clarke rises, and in an attempt to jump out of bed falls to the floor. Resting her hands and clutching at the bed, she rises and grabs the book from the shocked and  
numb Raven.

At a time when Clarke almost tore out a paper, Raven wakes up and rips the book out of the hands of the weakened girl back.

\- "No. I will not let you tear. I will leave, Clarke, I will leave" Raven went to the exit, - "I don't know what happened, but I will read to you what is written there. Do you  
want it or not."

Raven closes the door behind her, and then snuggles up to the door and continues to read aloud.

\- "I fell in love with you in the first day we sat in the kitchen. I can't believe that I am writing this, Clarke, I ..."

\- "Shut up!"  
Raven ignores the scream from the chamber.

-“Clarke, I couldn’t even think that I would feel such emotions for someone. I wanted to leave, I wanted to snuggle you and kiss you. I wanted to not appear again, I  
wanted to be around all the time."

-“Shut up, Raven, shut up!”

Raven continued to ignore. She also didn't pay attention to the assembled audience in the corridor.

\- "I fell in love with your eyes! The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen! In your voice ..."

-“Raven, shut up,” Clarke was already at the door, Raven grabbed the handle.

\- "When you cried, my heart was ready to break, and if I had doubts before, then at that moment all doubts collapsed. I realized…"

\- "What's going on here?" the intern ran to Raven.

Raven wave away.

-“Raven, shut up, I beg. You're killing me.” Clarke cries outside the door, and Raven felt her own heart tighten.

-“Raven, what's here ...” Abby ran up and wanted to yank Raven, but stopped when she heard her daughter sobbing outside the door.

\- "I fell in love with your eyes! The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen! In your voice . When you cried, my heart was ready to break, and if I had doubts before, then at  
that moment all doubts collapsed. I realized that I would never leave you, Clarke. As a friend, as a acquaintance, and even if you drive me away, I will still be somewhere  
nearby. I really don't give a damn about everyone who turned away from me. You breathed life into me, I live only thanks to you."

-“Shut up, Raven,” Clarke's voice was heard somewhere below. She no longer had the strength to speak and sob. -"You're killing me, stop it, I beg.”

-“Forgive me for all the pain that I brought into your life. Forgive me for all the problems that have piled on you because of me, forgive me for being rude. I tried to  
convince myself that you feel pity for me, that I didn't need it, that I felt good alone. But when I was alone, I only thought about being close to you. Sleep next to you.  
I love you. Lexa."

Raven closed the book and fell silent. She was crying, but that was nothing compared to what was with Clarke on the other side of the door.

Abby pushed Raven a little and opened the door.

She jumped to Clarke, who was sitting on her lap at the entrance and crying.

\- "Let go! I hate it! Let go!" Clarke jumped up. If she had the strength, she would be able to push the mother, but they were not there. - "Lying! This is all a lie! I hate it!  
Mom, let me go!"

\- "Clarke, be quiet. Everything will be fine. Quiet."

Abby hid her daughter in an embrace and Raven closed the door, leaving them alone.

Two months later

So. I don’t know where to start. Today is an ordinary day, like everyone else ... An ordinary morning. I don’t see any reason to write anything down, but if my mother  
see that i'm not writing something, she will send me again to a psychiatrist.  
When collecting an anamnesis, the doctor determined that I have a tendency to suicide. Well, it started. Despite the fact that my mother presses and drags me  
everywhere in an attempt to help, I see how she has changed. I see that she loves me. I see, when I don't care.  
I feel sorry for her, very much. I would not want to see tears in her eyes. I hate it when she cries, and maybe my heart would break, but it feels like I'm morally gutted.  
In any case, I freed myself from the doctors. Finally.  
They recognized me as adequate, which cannot but rejoice, because I don't want to be dragged from a psychiatrist to a psychologist ... several times a week.  
The only thing is the diary.  
And also pills. I was prescribed tricyclic antidepressants. I know the composition of these drugs very well and I don’t know why my mother insisted on them, because I  
feel sick all the time, and I also want to sleep ... Now there are many analogues that make it easier to take pills, but honestly ... and about that I don’t give a damn .

I don’t know what else to write, I have nothing to tell. I was told that it is necessary to pour out the soul even here. Pour out the soul ... such an expression. What kind  
of soul? She was uprooted with the root from me.  
I could believe to Raven that Lexa made a choice only in my favor, only for me. If not that cold. Lexa burst into my life with cold indifference, with the same she left her.

Mom gives me to nursing course. I am preparing for entrance exams.  
In the clinic where my mother worked, there was a free admission department. It opened recently. For people who don't have insurance and money.  
Previously, I would have been happy like a child to the “bring, give” work. And now I don’t even know what to think about it, because there you have to constantly  
pretend that you do it of your own free will.  
I liked the words of the psychiatrist: «Clarke, I understand that you don't live now, you exist. So it will be some time, one must endure and be courageous. Exist until  
you begin to live. Go and Exist.» Kapets he motivated. Where mom dug him out. In short. I went ... to exist. 

Clarke takes the chips and sat on the sofa. Turned on some kind of reality show.

«Shit show,» as Clarke called him. But in fact, she didn't care what to watch.

-“Clarke, are you watching this crap again?” Raven kissed her friend on the cheek and, taking the remote control, switched the channel.

News: «On Saturday, March 3, Eva Mitchell, the daughter of a famous millionaire and the infamous personality Lexa Cerry, got married.  
The ceremony took place in ... »

Raven quickly turned off the TV.

There was deathly silence in the living room.

-“Well, Raven, are we going?”

Raven looked corner of her eye at Clarke and was afraid to even breathe.

-“Girl, by the way, I’ve already gotten dressed,” Abby took her purse from her chair and went to Raven. - "What's wrong with you? Raven, we'll be late."

\- "Where are you going?" suddenly turned Clarke.

\- "We in the cinema, today is the premiere."

-“Are you going on a date?” Clarke grinned.

-“What a date, Clarke.” Abby waved her hand. - "Raven, let's go."

Raven put Clarke's hand on her shoulder and leaned over and kissed her cheek.

-“I'm ok,” whispered Clarke.

-“I hope so,” Raven straightened up.

-"Not a date. Yeah, that’s why they didn't call me. I would also like to attend this premiere," Clarke grumbled under her nose, rising to the room.

Clarke closed the door to the room behind her and walked slowly, sat down on the bed. She took air into her lungs and exhaled. She almost learned to deal with these  
attacks. Almost.

«Clarke, always remember that you are an independent person. Love comes and goes. It seems to you now that she is the only one for life, but you are a smart girl.  
Among the millions there is someone else, and you are one. You must take care of yourself.»

«Thanks, doc, I will.»

Clarke left the psychiatrist's office and froze. She twisted antidepressants in her hands and bit her lip.  
«Like he knows a lot about love. Who generally knows something about her.»

Clarke often recalled that length of time. The words of the doctor and her own. She would like to believe that someone is somewhere. But this one is not Lexa.

Clarke went to the bathroom.

-“It's all for you, Clarke. She wanted to save you or even your life."  
Clarke looked in the mirror and smiled.  
-“She sacrificed herself for your sake.”  
The blonde opened the cabinet over the sink.  
-“And she married for your sake,” Clarke laughed.

She took a jar of pills and looked again in the mirror.  
-“You, Clarke, have become so close to me. Close. It’s funny. I wonder where they will go on their honeymoon?"  
The blonde opened the lid.  
\- "Oh, most likely where it’s warm, what's wrong with me. On the sea. The sea is cool now, though it's not the season, but ... if you go to another country. To the  
islands. Exactly, to the islands, there is always a season."

«You think I'm stupid ...»  
«I think you're brave. It's snowing»

Clarke put the first pill in her mouth and swallowed.

«You're not going to jump, are you?»  
«I have not decided yet»

Second pill.

«What's your name?»  
«Lexa.»

Clarke smiled and threw three more pills into her mouth, after which she dumped the entire contents of the jar into her hand.

«If you continue to so recklessly help to people who are not worth it. To help people who will punish you for your kindness.»

«I will not return here, I don't care about you. Yes, you helped the wrong person, but it will be a lesson to you. Stubborn and dumb.»

Clarke poured water into a glass and closed her eyes.

«How are you?»  
«I don't know how to answer to this question. Alive? »

-“ In this apartment has become cramped,” Clarke opened her eyes and threw the pills into her mouth and washed down with water.

«Forgive me, to be honest, I would least want to hurt you.»

\- "My sky is falling to the ground."

«Is she really worth it? You will lose everything! »

Clarke walked slowly into the room and looked around.

«In general, it seems to me that all these serious attachments are not for me. I'm starting to choke»

«I trusted you, Clarke»

\- "My role is not to stand next to you. I am the same ... I haven't changed at all."

Clarke sat on the bed.

\- "It’s not always possible to fall beautifully. Who am I? Sorry mom."

«There are many reasons to leave, not one comes to my mind to stay»

«I don’t want to live, understand? But when you are near ...»

-“What do you even understand?”

***

\- "We need to determine the propensity for repeated suicide attempts and its ability to make decisions. She will be under strict supervision. We will write it out when a  
full assessment of the mental state is completed."

\- "Good. Raven, bring me some coffee, please ... I can't take it anymore."  
-“You had better go home to sleep, I'll stay with Clarke.”

***

-“Abby, don't you think you're making a mistake? I love Clarke, but it seems to me that she is better off in the psychiatric ward rather than at home."

-“I am not discussing this. Raven, do you have any idea what life awaits her if she will be in listed in the hospital as a suicide? She is a future surgeon! I have enough  
connections to get her out of the world, exposing this as poisoning, but not enough to hide in her story suicide attempts and treatment in a psychiatric ward! If I take  
it from her, then what life awaits her? You just look at her,” Abby waved at Clarke, who was in the backseat of the car, -“ the only thing she loved was medicine. I will  
save the future for her whether she wants it or not."

Raven swallowed and turned to the window. She was afraid that this might be a mistake. The person who lies behind, didn't want to live.

Four months later.  
June.

Clarke passed the entrance exams. The only thing that pleased her in this life was the idea that she could fulfill her dream, although now for Clarke it was not a full joy.  
If earlier the girl read books because she wanted to, now because she needs to.

She often recalled the reason why she even caught fire with this idea. Save people when others cannot. But now the point is gone.  
It’s not that Clarke lost any sense in saving anyone, it just seemed like it wasn’t her concern.

She wanted to fall in love with at least something again. Love medicine, love people and life. But absolutely everything, starting from facial expressions and ending  
with help at the hospital, was only because «necessary.»

Did Clarke want to feed someone or wash his ass? No.  
Even the people who Clarke would have sincere sincere sympathy and desire to help ... now didn't cause anything.

But today was different from the previous ones.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

I'm going to work. Mom called and said that they not enough hands. Near the shopping center there was a terrorist attack or just an explosion, details are unknown.  
A lot of victims. I can help people recover from surgery. I can help those who simply undergo treatment at the hospital, but it was hard for me to be near the reception  
room when patients were brought in after accidents or any other disasters. There is also a lot of work for a nurse, mainly «bring, to give and don't bother».  
Everything else is done by freshmen, ordinators and those people who agreed to help in the free department. I feel completely useless there.  
Today is just such a day when I will feel as useless as possible, because I was called to the clinic. To Marcus and mom. What is the use of me? If I do something  
superfluous, they may fall under the article, but apparently my mom is not interested in it much. She no longer knows how to draw me back to this area. And Marcus  
supports her.

By the way, I also noticed that before I was at least a little scared of the sight of blood, but now ...  
Today, when my mother went to work, she looked at me like «that» again, she always looks at me like that when she leaves and leaves me alone.  
As if she telling me, «Clarke I’m leaving, don’t eat all the pills, don’t cut your veins and jump out of the roof of our two-story house.» It starts to enrage, although it  
seemed to me earlier that I could get used to it.  
She recently issued that will help me find a girl, say she’s ready to be a co-pilot. Raven laughed on the whole suburb, but it didn’t seem funny to me ... It doesn’t seem  
funny to me that makes me feel alive.  
We almost drove to the hospital.

\- "Write out all who are in order, we need beds!"

The first thing Clarke heard when she ran into the waiting room.  
\- "The fluid around the lungs, let's go to the tomography."  
Clarke only managed to move left and right, so as not toget underfoot.

\- "Clarke!"

The blonde looked around. Marcus waved her hand and Clarke went in his direction.

\- "Here work more experienced employees, and you return to your work. Here is a list of patients, get around them. The condition is normal for everyone. In your  
tablet have already made changes. They are in priority now. Get out there and ask if they need something. All the information ... God, what am I telling you. Please  
help. If need anything - call. And I ask you... here without any initiative, otherwise ...

\- I understand. You might think that there was some kind of amateur activity in that separation from me.

Clarke walked quickly down the hall with a tablet in her hands. In fact, not a single nurse or orderly had access to the tablets. They did the work that the doctor said.  
Everything is under strict control. There were no hands now, but Clarke knew perfectly well that this was her mom’s cunning plan.  
Listen to the screams of people. Screams of children. And look at the terrible injuries and burns on the people who were now clogged with the clinic.

-" Thomas McCole. Twenty six, height ... yeah. So. Lives ... Mmm. Second degree burns on the arm. Clear."

Clarke entered the room.  
The guy was sitting on the bed and looking somewhere into the wall.

\- "Hello, Thomas. My name is Clarke. Will you mind if I clean here?"

The guy nodded and Clarke quickly walked around the room, collecting scraps of bandages, two empty glasses and some other garbage.

-“Can i bring you anything?”

-“Yes, a drink,” the guy answered without looking at the blonde.

-“I'll bring water,” Clarke went to the door.

\- "No, a drink. I need something alcoholic. Do you have vodka?"

-“I will bring you water.”

Clarke quickly left the room.

\- "Hi, Tony, my name is Clarke."

-“Hi, Clarke,” the boy fidgeted on the windowsill. -"Are you a doctor?"

\- "No, I'm a nurse, caring for the sick. Why are you here alone?"

\- "I'm waiting for mom. She ... she got harm, and I wait".

-“Why are you waiting here? Come on, I'll take you to the room or,” Clarke opened the tablet, “what's your mother's name? ”

-“Penelope Morgan,” the boy answered quietly. - "I am sitting here because there is a window, there is nothing to breathe in the room."

-“Tony, why are you alone? How old are you? Or eleven?" Clarke found in the tablet his mother, who was now on the operating table, her condition was critical. -“Will  
I call a social worker? You shouldn't sit here alone."

\- "No, I don't need a social worker. They will take me."

-“For a while, until your mom recovers. What about dad?"

Clark found out that the boy has no relatives anymore and in this case she should call social service. Most likely he hid here so that they would not find him.  
Clarke sat with him for a while. She could sit longer, she also wanted to hide, but she had no right.  
She later called up social services.

Later, she found out that today this boy has become an orphan. Perhaps this is the only thing that made Clarke feel at least something for six months.  
And then she returned again to the trash and patient care.

After cleaning up the dressing room, Clarke went to carry out other minor assignments.  
She walked past the ward and was about to stop by for a drink, because even for this she had not had a minute for the past three hours. In mouth is dry.

-“Clarke, it's good that you're here. I can’t find anyone at all, clean here and in the room opposite," Marcus opened the door of one of room and entered. Clarke went  
to him, breathe heavily.

-“Well, how do you feel? You asked for a second pillow," Marcus held a pillow in one hand, and the other waved to Clarke to make her go faster.

\- "Thank you, otherwise honestly it’s not very convenient for me."

Clarke, not entering the room, turned pale and froze. She got up dead in a meter from the door.

-“If you need anything, call me,” Marcus shoved Clarke's pillow and nudged it a bit, nodding his head so that she would hurry.

-“Ok,” the girl replied, and at that moment Clarke stepped into the room. - "My back went numb, but I can’t  
lay." the girl said.

Clarke clutched the pillow.

Lexa sat with her legs on the bed and touched her bandaged on arm. Her eyes were covered ... with a blindfold. Her whole face is red and ...

Clarke couldn't not that breathing, she didn't dare even blink.

\- "Is anybody here?"

Clarke jerked, and at the same moment heart galloped. What should she do? Pull yourself together.  
She exhaled and took a step. 

-“Is there someone here or ...” Lexa paused.

The blonde picked up the tablet and found the story.  
«Lexa Cerry. 23 years»  
Clarke ran her eyes.  
«Was hospitalized after the explosion.  
Exposure to the eyes by high-temperature flame agents.  
Thermal eye burn. First degree.  
The skin of the eyelids and conjunctiva is hyperemic, swollen. Damage only to the upper layer of the cornea.  
A burn of the first degree of the skin on the forehead.  
Burns of the first degree of the skin on the forearm.»

In the first hours after the burn, first aid was provided, namely: washing of the lacrimal passages, removal of invaded foreign bodies from the conjunctiva and cornea.  
The use of analgesics orally and parenterally. Burned surface treatment.  
Instillation of a 0.5% solution of dicaine, 30% solution of albucide, 0.2% solution of chloramphenicol.  
An aseptic blindfold is applied to the eyes.

Clarke clasped her lower lip with her teeth and passed to the bed. The desire to beat and the desire to leave. That is all she felt.

Approach and punch on the injured person.

\- "Do I need little get up?" Lexa moved a little, Clarke quickly took a step and put a pillow under her back.

As soon as Lexa leaned back against her, Clarke froze. She was at an unacceptably close distance, Lexa's head was twenty centimeters from her.

The blonde would have hit her if not for the wounds on her face.

-“You are taciturn.”

-“I'm at work,” the blonde said hoarsely, she was sure that Lexa would not recognize her voice. After all, Clarke herself did not recognize him, did not even have to  
change him.

\- "I see. It smells nice from you, by the way,” Lexa smiled. -“If my wife finds out that I am flirting with a taciturn nurse, she will make such an angry expression on her  
face that she loves. But I will not see him." Lexa laughed.

Clarke threw the tablet on the floor and clenched her fists.

From the loud pop Lexa jumped out of bed and, almost falling, stood and froze at the windowsill.  
\- "What's wrong?" Lexa began to wave her hands, but then froze, listening, - "is everything all right?"

Clarke was breathing heavily. Her breasts heaved and her nostrils swelled. Her face turned from pale to red.

\- "What the hell is going on?" Lexa began to sort out her hands on the windowsill.

The door to the chamber opened.

\- "So, I brought the medicine, they need ..." Marcus froze, - "is everything all right? Clarke, why is the tablet on the floor?" the man quickly approached to the blonde  
and bent over, picked him up.

The blonde clenched her jaw. She can stand it, she can stand it. Just think, again there was a desire to kill or die.  
But the lump coming up to the throat, and the pain that came back a thousand times stronger ... tearing it from the inside - this is what Clarke was not going to put  
up with. No more pain in her life ... Why now?

-“C ... C ...” Lexa stuttered and didn't move.

The blonde jerked sharply and, turning around, left the room.

She will no longer appear in this hospital. Never again. Why and for what did she deserve this suffering? What did she do wrong?

The blonde ran along the corridor almost knocking down doctors. Today, her working day is over. And not only for today.

Clarke felt everything inside burning, burning with anger. Despite the state of Lexa, she still wanted to hit, no, beat her. Where does this anger come from? Is she  
breaking out just now? Kill, beat, destroy for all the pain.  
How dare she stutter with a smile about ...  
How dare she smile?  
The creature, the fucking creature.

Clarke knocked down the intern and rushed on without apologizing, taking off her robe along the way.

She needs to change clothes. Gotta get away from here. She needs Raven, otherwise ...

Need to control yourself. Is that tears? Damn tears, again!

\- "Clarke?!"

The blonde, crossing the corridor, looked back at the voice.

Is it really not enough for today?  
No, no, no, there are a lot of people. Must escape, must get out of here, otherwise ...

\- "Clarke, wait!"

The blonde quickly disappeared around the bend. Lord, how the heart beats. How does anger spread over the body.

Eve ran from behind and shouted her name.

Clarke didn't want to stop or look back.

She quickly flew to the laundry room and flew in, slammed the door behind her.

Clarke leaned over, grabbing herself by the knees, panting. Must bring ourselves back to normal. Urgently. She will not allow more ...

-“Clark, I ...” the door opened, and Eve ran in.

The blonde spun around and grabbing Eve's neck, nailed to the door. She punched her, after one more time, and more, and more.

-“Clarke, wait.” Eve tried to push the blonde away, cover her face with hands, but Clarke was already hitting her hands with which Eve clasped her head.

-“I hate, I hate you, so you die, so that you are all,” Clarke took a step back and changed her face sharply. - "Get out."

-“Clarke,” Eve bounced into the corner, -“let me tell you.” The girl rubbed her battered nose. - "Near the shopping center they blew up the car in which my father was  
sitting."

-“I'm very happy, although no, wait. I don't care.” Clarke went to the door, but Eve jumped up and grabbed her arm. - "Are you tired of living?" Growled Clarke.

-“Clarke, now Lexa is not in danger.”

\- "Yes? That's cool! I'm happy for her. Advice and love to you two” the blonde shoved the girl and went out, closing the door.

It has become easier. It definitely got easier, but that wasn't enough.

***

\- "Clarke, wait!"

Abby ran to the car.

\- "Where are you going? We are short of hands!"

-“I'm going home,” the blonde got into the car and slammed the door.

Abby quickly sat next to her.

\- "What happened? What happened to you? You…"

\- "Which am I ?!" Shouted the blonde.  
-“Emotional ...” Abby answered quietly, -“what happened,” she put her hand on her daughter’s hand.

-"Lexa is there! This damn bitch in this hospital!"

Clarke dropped her forehead onto the steering wheel and began to cry.

Abby quickly moved to her daughter and without saying a word pulled herself, hugging her. She turned pale, but couldn't say anything.

-“Damn,” Abby jerked at the sound of the pager, -“Clarke.”  
\- "Go, mom. It's all right,” Clarke ran Abby's hand through hair, -“I promise that everything is ... good. ”

***

I don't recognize myself. Can't figure out who I am? I got so used to the passive state ... I got used to it and it suited me. But today, this anger ... God, who have I  
turned into? I have never experienced such pain as half a year ago and have never been angry like I do today. I swear I wanted to kill her. Her smile. She smiled ... She  
laughed despite injuries. She so easily got rid of me and laughs, remembering her wife. Why did Eve call me? Why do I need this information? It doesn't concern me,  
why? I do not understand.  
I am ready to agree that today I felt alive.  
If I told this to my psychiatrist, he would say that I have made progress, that anger should have been released a long time ago. He was waiting for this ...

I needed to hear and see her in order to understand how much I hate her?  
For the first time in my life, I hate someone. I have not even offenders caused such emotions. Even to Eve ... 

Clarke pushed the phone aside. Over time, she got used to write something down there.

After working more than a day, mom returned home and the first thing she said to Clarke was that Lexa signed a refusal of medical care and that in this condition she  
was discharged from the hospital on her own responsibility.

-“Why are you telling me this? What ..." Clarke loudly put the cereal on the table.

-“Clarke, you need to talk to her,” her mother answered calmly.

\- "What the hell? What ... ” Clarke stared at her mother in shock.

-“Clarke, I couldn't help but speak to the person who broke you ...”

\- "Since when ... what ... But you're a damn homophobic! What ...” Clarke turned quickly and was about to leave.

\- "I'm not homophobic and have never been to! I was mad at you! I recently lost ... we lost father and ... I'm to blame! Stop blaming me for that! I lost him and then  
you. That's my fault! I pressed you, I was frustrated, yes, I was unbearable, I ..."

Clarke stopped and walked quickly to her mother, hugged.

\- "Quiet ... It's my fault too. I was stupid. I left you, I ... I was stupid."  
Clarke held on tightly to her.

-“Clarke, let's talk,” Abby began quietly.

Clarke quickly released and stepped back.

-“I know, I know what she did to you. You were so naive, small ... You always condemned me for cynicism and you believed yourself. She broke it in you, and I  
understand. What you experienced when you lived there ... away from me."

\- "Mom, I asked you not to raise this topic."

\- "Sorry. I couldn't talk to her. I listened to her and ... her voice. She is sorry. You know how I feel about people, but I heard something in her voice. Please talk to her.  
For your sake, to go further. You at least think about it. Here is her number,” Abby walked around her daughter, laid a leaf on the table, -“ I am tired, I have three  
hours to sleep. ”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

Clarke took a piece of paper from the table and tore.  
She doesn't have to talk. She knew everything Lexa could say. Raven had already spoken.

A week passed, and Clarke felt that situation, as if it had happened today. Pain was replaced by anger, anger by resentment, and resentment replaced by cold. Such a  
spectrum of emotions she never had once in six months; needs to get used to them.  
Difficult, too difficult to get along with them.

A typical day at the front desk of a free clinic. Ordinary people, emigrants and even homeless people who need help.  
There are few employees, and of patients are more and more patients.

Clarke ran like a cursed every time there was her shift. There was simply no time to think about something. This is the only thing that Clarke loved in this work. Maybe  
in time she will love the work ... the work of her dreams. Again…

-“Clarke, put it off for now,” Dr. Cooper took the tray from Clarke from her hands. -“They are waiting for you in the dressing room.”

\- "Why?"

-“Not why, quick go there.”

Clarke didn't like Cooper, and many doctors for their arrogance and this intonation, although again, it was not difficult to put up with it now. Just nod and do.

As soon as Clarke entered in the dressing room, she felt her heart stop for a second, and then set off to beat rhythms in her throat and ears.  
A buzz in the ears and a nearby voice.

-“Clarke,” someone pushed her, and the blonde came to her senses.

-“What am I doing here,” Griffin asked faintly, not taking her eyes off Lexa, who was sitting on the couch.

\- "This girl demands you to bandage her."

\- "But I don't have the right, it is not in my competence."

-“Yes, you haven't. But she wants to talk to you, you have ten minutes. If she refuses medical care, let her dressing room free."

-“I will not,” Clarke repeated softly, looking at Eve, who was standing next to Lexa.

-“You will, Clarke,” Mitchell began. - "Her eyes are very sore and we need help."

-“How dare you,” Clarke began, raising her tone, but then she pulled herself back, catching the puzzled look of the doctor. - "I will talk."

-“Lexa, I’ll come out if you need ... I'm here,” Eve stroked the brunette's head. Clarke clenched her fists.

The door closed and only Clarke and Lexa remained in the dressing room, as well as tension in the air.

-“Hi,” Lexa looked toward Clarke and fingering her fingers, nervously squeezing them.

-“Hi,” Clarke answered coldly and went to the brunette.

Lexa will not get anything from her. Not a conversation, not a hint of any emotion. If can't hit her then ... Clarke can't give this girl anything else.

-“Your mother was came,” the brunette began, head down, -“I gave her the number.”

\- "Yes I know. I threw it away."

\- How's Raven? I heard she married Finn."

\- "Yes, she did. They are on a traveling. You need to lubricate your face two to three times a day."

\- "I know."

\- "So what?"

\- "I had no one to lubricate. I'm at home, not in the hospital."

\- "What about the wife?"

-“She's not a doctor, and it hurts me. It hurts me even without touching."

-“You left the hospital yourself,” Clarke moved her chair and sat across from Lexa, began to examine her forehead and cheeks.

-“It was necessary,” Lexa lowered her head again.

\- "Raise head, I need to inspect. Can i?" Clarke reached for the glasses. - "Why did you put them on? Doesn't it hurt?"

\- "It hurt."

Clarke asked questions and couldn’t understand herself whether she was interested or she asks as a nurse.

-“How long have you changed your blindfolds?” Clarke frowned. -“And what the hell is that ... is that cotton swabs?”

\- "I didn't change. I took off for the night, then ... then I had to close something, seal it so as not to open my eyes. I cannot keep them closed myself."

\- "You can't. God, you didn’t have to leave the hospital. Face and eyes need care. And also your hand."

-“You speak in that tone,” Lexa lowered her head again.

-“Raise head, I'm not done.”

-“I came to you as to a friend,” Lexa raised her head, -“to a friend, not a doctor.”

Lord, help not to break to this girl nose.

-“I'm not your friend, Lexa. And not a doctor. I’m nobody to you."

-“I know I offended you in that day. I can explain."

\- "Shut up or I'll leave. I'm serious, Lexa,” the blonde said in a low tone, she herself was scared of her voice, and Lexa opened her mouth as much.

-“Clarke, I just left, but I, well, we are ... friends, everything went well with you.”

\- "Shut up!" Clarke jumped up. -“You don't know anything about me! Don't dare even to stutter!"  
Clarke would have continued to scream, but Lexa jerked away from her so much that she nearly fell off the couch. Her face was scared, too scared for Clarke to keep  
screaming.

Lexa began to look for support to sit back.

\- "You got an infection, some places are festering. Scars may remain in some places. I am afraid to remove the blindfold. To do this should be not me!"

-“Then I'll go.” Lexa began to get up.

-“Are you completely crazy? I'll see sit down!"

Clarke was angry that she couldn't just let her go. She was angry because she knew what horror Lexa's inaction could turn out to be and didn't understand at all how  
Lexa had the audacity to manipulate Clarke at the expense of her wounds and conscience, which, as it turned out, Clarke had at least a little more.

\- "Do you sleep normally?"

\- "No."

-“How much have you slept in recent days?”

-“About six hours,” Lexa answered quietly.

-“Did you take any painkillers?”

\- "Those that bought at the pharmacy, yes. They don't help."

\- "They don’t help. You need a prick painkiller, will you allow it?

\- "Yes."

\- "Have you vomited?" Clarke reaches for the bandage and almost touched, but her hands began to tremble. She closed her eyes a little and exhaled slowly.

\- "Almost all the time."

-“Do you drink a lot of fluids?”

\- "Yes."

-“Did you lose consciousness? Was there a pain shock?"

-“It hurts me, but I haven't lost consciousness yet.”

-“It's strange, I don’t understand how you are ...” Clarke touched the bandage and Lexa jerked back, screaming a little.

\- "Lexa ... How long have you been ..."

-“Clarke, I ...”

-“Damn it, you ...” The blonde grabbed the brunette by the shoulders and pulled her to herself, examining the thin tampons in her eyes, which were somehow glued  
by hand. - "Are you insane? Don't you need eyes? What the hell are you sticking here ?! How long ago?"

\- "I couldn't live without them!"

\- "How long have you changed them? Hell!"

Clarke jumped to her feet and ran to the door. A doctor later entered the room.

-“But i asked you. No doctors."

\- "Lexa, to tear off what is stuck to your eyes, you need a good cocktail of painkiller!" Clarke grimaced.

-“Since you have no right to help me, then I will go.”

-“Give her a painkiller, please, and let her go,” Clarke said to the doctor.

Lexa, of course, once didn't want to live, but such irresponsibility ... Clarke didn't expect such a disregard for her health.

Clarke left the room. She needed time to come to her senses a bit. She saw what happened to these tampons ... they ... How to rip them off? How did Lexa get any  
further ... What is this fool doing?

-“Why the hell didn’t you insist that she stay in the hospital!” Clarke abruptly turned Eve towards herself. -“Have you seen what she has with the skin? Did you see  
what with eyes ???"

-“Clarke ... that's the problem. She doesn't allow anyone to touch."

\- "How so doesn't give? Doctors! For this there are doctors, fuck!“ 

\- "She was in a state of shock and in that state they were given to her first aid. Let's go to sit.” Eve looked expectantly at Clarke.

How to the blonde this society was disgusting, but since she had run for many years ahead in her education and played the role of a doctor, a role that she couldn’t  
even handle morally now, she had to listen.

-“That day, when they were going to change her dressings and to smear ... well ... she didn't give. She didn't give in and thereby made noise in the hospital, although  
she was not the only one injured there. Your mother, she insisted ... they talked for a long time and your mother somehow got from Lexa to provide at least some help,  
but Lexa checked out. I tried and even called a nurse to the house. Lexa is not given. She doesn't allow anyone to touch her face," Eve was silent.

-“Is she five years old? She can have these wounds ... Okay, forehead, if she doesn't care about the scars, but her eyes! Eyelids! I'm afraid to suggest what there is  
under a cotton swab!" Clarke nervously clenched her fists. - "Idiot."

\- "She tried herself. I heard ... I heard her moan and cry in the bathroom, changing herself there and applying ointment. We tried lidocaine, tried to spray face. She  
was able to sleep that way at least. Clarke, help her. I know that you are not competent, but to ask you to help at home ... you don't have the medicines that are here.  
Think of something.

-“She didn’t give me now,” the blonde turned away, -“she didn’t give, because she was in pain. A doctor can help her with painkillers. What I can? What do you want  
from me? I’m nobody here, I’m changing ducks for people! And you rushed to talk! Knowing that I'm nobody here!"

-“You think that was an pretext?”

\- "Yes, I think so. And what about it?! And anyway, what kind of tone, what kind of manners? Did you hit your head during the blast? No matter how you sing here  
now, I remember what scum you are."

Clarke stood up quickly and headed for the dressing room.

-“Griffin, I examined her. She doesn't allow herself to be touched even after pain medication. This girl is hurt. She needs hospitalization, a little more and the infection  
will go further, and the consequences will be terrible. She refused.

Clarke entered the dressing room.

Lexa, leaning her head against the wall ... was asleep.

She was sleeping with her mouth open.

What to do? Clarke had no idea what to do.

She called mom.

***

-“My dear, thank you for your help, but you have no place at our home,” Abby blocked Eve's entrance to the house.

\- "When can I come?"

\- "Mom, stop it. Let her come. Nobody cares,” Clarke squeezed past them and walked into the kitchen.

-“I'll be back tomorrow,” Eve turned and walked quickly toward the car.

-“Clarke, I have to be at work in an hour, I didn’t ask for the whole day.”

\- "I know, let's go."

They went up to the guest room where Lexa was sleeping on the bed.

-“Everything needs to be sterilized here,” Abby nodded. - "Later we will call the nurse. She will do it."

Abby pulled out her purse.

-“I grabbed something, but Clarke, that's will not work. Her place in the hospital."

-“Take a look at her,” Clarke answered dryly and sat down in a chair.

This situation was reminiscent to Clarke of somewhat. Namely ... the beginning of their relationship.  
Clarke rescues her again. Well, not a fool? And again, by force, insisting and not allowing to Lexa go and kill her health.

-“She has an infection,” Abby examined Lexa’s face, -“everything needs to process. No wonder she's hurt. She launched here all."

-“Yes, I know,” Clarke played on the phone and didn't look in their direction.

\- "While she is under painkiller and sleeps ... it is necessary to remove this horror from her eyes."

\- "It's have to."

\- "Clarke?!"

\- "What?" The blonde was finally distracted from the screen.

-“I will need your help. She will wake up and will scream in pain."

-“Great, should I hold her or shut her mouth so she won’t yell?”

\- "What's wrong with you?!"

\- "Nothing! I will help her again and again return healthy to this bitch! Am I ... I ... what the hell? Why should I?"

\- "Because you are such a person! Stop pretending you don't care, and stop convincing yourself that your behavior is justified right now! You are the future doctor! So  
behave with dignity! Every day, patients leave me, to whom I save life! Sometimes not very beautiful! Sometimes ungrateful! So what? If you don’t want more, just say  
it. But don’t dare to behave like that now! This is not worthy!"

Clarke clenched her jaw and nodules played on the cheeks.

\- "Come here! I'll go to work soon! Immediately,” Abby called out, and Clarkу stood up. - "Who are you turning into! Cynical ... I don’t recognize you."

Clarke was suddenly hurt. She hated her mother for it, but now she was a million times worse than her. Before her now is not Lexa, but a person in need of help. The  
person who turned Clarke into a monster. Her behavior was worse now than passive indifference, it was cruel. And maybe right now, after the words of her mother,  
Clarke had a choice whether she would allow the story with Lexa to change her even more or whether it was time to stop and remember at least a little about who  
she was before meeting with the brunette. Recall who she is.

Clarke went to the bed and sat on the edge, hanging over Lexa.

-“I will hold her by the shoulders, and you wet this horror that is in her eyes. And try to take it off slowly."

-“Ok,” Clarke took the solution and, sitting comfortably, leaned over the brunette's face.

-“I'm sorry,” Lexa whispered suddenly.

Abby and Clarke froze. None of them could have thought that their screams would wake the girl.

-“Sorry,” Lexa suddenly squeezed the blanket she was lying on and moaned a little.

\- "Well well! No tears! Clarke, now! I hold her, come on."

Clarke pulled herself together and applied liquid to cotton swabs. She waited for them to soak, slightly touched the tip.

-“Be patient,” whispered Clarke, whose heart had just begun to accelerate.  
Lexa moaned, and when Clarke began to take off her tampons, the brunette completely switched to a cry.

-“Be patient, girl, it's over now,” Abby held her tightly by the shoulders, -“Be patient. Clarke, don’t stop, why you froze! Free her eyes and she will feel better!"

Clarke pulled again, she tried not to listen to the scream, tried to control her emotions, but her heart was breaking, and tears were already flowing from her eyes.

A minute later, Clarke threw back the second swab.

\- "Everything is bad, too bad. Clarke, give the flashlight and gloves."

Abby lifted the brunette's eyelids.

\- "Lexa, you will live, but, frankly, everything is terrible. Clarke, I have to go, treat her face and drip this one, ”Abby pointed to the medicine lying on the nightstand. -“I'll  
be back in a few hours, she will again need to get an injection and handle everything.”

\- "Ok."

Clarke gently applied the ointment to the damaged areas of the skin. She considered Lexa’s face and often looked at her mouth, which Lexa periodically opened.

-“We're almost done,” Clarke put down the ointment. -“I will drip your eyes and try to sleep.”

Clarke lifted her eyelid slightly, but Lexa suddenly opened her eyes.

-“Better ...” Clarke didn't finish. Red eyes looked at her like that ... -"Close, I know that it hurts you."

\- "And you?"

-“Lexa, I ...” Clarke turned away and began to run her eyes around the room. - "I need to drip, don't look at me."

-“I still don’t see anything, still cutting ...”

\- "I know, close it."

Lexa obeyed and allowed Clarke to do the rest of the procedure.

-“That's it,” Clarke took off her gloves and began to clean up after herself.

-“Clarke,” Lexa grabbed the girl by the wrist, and the blonde felt her throat and entire chest tighten. -“What have I done with you?”

-“Just broke me and broke my heart,” Clarke answered quietly, and quickly got up. Picking up the medicine in her purse, she quickly left the room.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

«Half year ago»

\- "What do you need?" Lexa rushed at full speed and Eve quickly backed off, crashed into a car.

\- "Wait, wait, Cerry! It is important!"

\- "How dare you! You robbed her and still dare to appear here?"

-“Lexa, shut up and listen to me!”

The brunette literally puffed with anger, but, with a sigh, gave to Eve exactly five minutes.

\- “Lexa, if you didn’t notice, then I lagged behind you for a long time ... lagged behind Griffin. But recently, everything has changed! Are you aware that you are in ignore, and  
not in the grave, only thanks to me ??? Shit, I didn't wait for thanks! Over time, I even forgot the pain you hurt me, but my father doesn’t forget anything! With a light hand you  
set fire to the warehouse, and there the goods were ... damn, what did you think ?!"

\- "Get over to point!" The brunette growled.

\- “Recently, my father ... he somehow found out that I was in a relationship,” Eve sighed nervously.

\- “So.” Lexa tensed.

\- "In general ... your blonde he ... did you notice that she is safe and unscathed?"

\- “Don't you even dare ...” Lexa began to get angry again.

\- “She is the daughter of a surgeon who once saved his life.”

\- "Fine, what else? Speak sharply already."

\- "You know what! I tired of of this! Why the hell are you talking to me like that ?! I’ll turn around right away and leave, and you’ll be lost!" Eve took a sharp step towards the  
brunette. - "We entered into a relationship by mutual agreement, but to work for my father ... I warned you! I asked you not to mess, but you didn't care! You yourself began to  
work for him, you yourself agreed to be his informers! You yourself have run into this! And if it were not thanks to me and not our relationship, you would have been dead after  
your antics! Yes, I was angry for treason, but when the question arose about your punishment, I did everything to save you! You are ungrateful bitch!"

\- “Wait,” Lexa grabbed Eve by the arm and unfolded, - “I'm sorry. Get down to business, why are you here?"

\- “My father didn't forget and will not forgive you. I clearly understood this after the last conversation with him, but ... he found out that ..."

\- “That you have someone,” Lexa turned pale.

\- "Yes. So between ... Lexa, no matter how you did with me, but for four years ... I don’t give a damn and ... I had no choice, I said that we were together."

\- "What?!"

\- "He didn't believe and I added that we decided to get married. Well, that you found out, that I have someone ..."

\- "What we decided? You are sick?!“ Lexa grabbed her head, - ”did he believe?!"

\- "Of course not! It’s your own fault, you didn’t give a damn about your life, you got involved in this business yourself and you yourself burned cocaine for a huge amount. I  
began to panic and began to do nasty things to Clarke, in the end I got confused still more. I panicked, I didn't know what to do! AND…"

\- "Wait. Wait you“ Lexa didn’t understand what was happening ... she wouldn’t care earlier, but now ... Now everything is different.

\- "In general, either we have a wedding, or you are a corpse. He doesn't believe me, but while you are alive ..."

\- “I can't ... I promised to Clarke, I promised, Eve, that I wouldn't leave. Do you have any idea how this will look? She saved me."

\- “If she doesn’t give a damn about you, I’m afraid you’d better go to me than to the other world. Do you think I'm thrilled? Lexa, I repeat, I panicked! This is the first thing that  
flew from me ... I didn't know how else to give you time."

\- “I'll talk to her, she ... she will understand. Damn ..." Lexa was looking for something to hit. Eve's panic was transmitted to her, but there was no time to think at all.

\- “You can tell her, but then you have to give guarantees that my father will never know ... Do you give them? If something goes wrong, Lexa, you will die. He doesn't believe  
me, you understand it! Decide faster!"

\- “I'm not sure that my life is worth the pain that I will inflict on her.”

\- “Are you sure it's worth the pain if you die?”

\- “She must know. If she knows that ... she will not appear in my life, she just will be know." Lexa completely stopped thinking. The head was spinning.

\- “Lexa, she is not a poor girl, but for some reason ... she is here. If you leave her life, yes ... if she loves you, she will be hurt, but then everything will work out. You understand, there are no half measures. This is not a joke ... Maybe my father will forgive you over time ... And we will both be free."

\- “Do you yourself believe that?”

\- "I believe, really believe. Heck! Clarke.” Eve jerked and Lexa quickly looked around.

\- “You played a bitch perfectly. I'm in shock." said Lexa covered her face with her hand and leaned over to her knees.

\- "I tried to. The more painfully she is, the faster she will stop believing."

\- “You ... Damn, we have to go back! You ... she ... She said ..." Lexa grabbed herself knees and groaned.

\- "I've heard. Pretty touching and cruel of you. Honestly, my heart shrunk. Repeat to yourself that this is for her sake."

\- “For her sake?! Her life is not in danger! Whom I am fooling it's only me here can become a corpse!"

\- "While you are alive, there is a chance that someday she will forgive you. Stop whining, get ready."

Lexa raised her head and leaned her forehead against the window.

After the explosion, before coming to clarke home

\- "Lexa, honey, please, let's go back to the hospital!" Eve squatted across from the brunette, - "I see how you suffer. You don't see that with your face, you are not sleeping, you  
are not eating almost ..."

\- "No. Must tolerate, it will heal itself."

\- "To be patient ?! Why are you spitting on your life like that? You are free now, we are free ... Why did you give up?"

\- “You didn’t hear what her mother told me.”

\- "Clarke's?"

\- “Yes ... If her mother knows about me, if she was so angry, then it was worse than we expected. I wasn't even interested in what was happening to her!

\- “You couldn't. Lexa, you couldn’t."

\- "Enough! All this is an excuse! Every day I convinced myself that I have something to justify myself, but no, Eve! We played wives, we played friends, but all this is a lie ... You  
always told me that have to wait, have to wait ..."

\- “You're free now. Go and tell Clarke everything. Tell her how my father pressed on you! Tell how he followed your every move. Tell her how he pressed on me. Tell how he hit  
me when I, protecting you, called him a moral freak. Tell her how you cried almost every night in the toilet, because there were cameras in our room! What could you do ?!"

\- “I could tell the truth!”

\- "And die!"

\- “But this is not life! All that you described now, it was not life!"

\- “But nevertheless, you are alive and you have a second chance, and you sit here and moan. You give up again.

\- “I'm not giving up, I just can't let anyone touch myself!”

\- “God, you are unbearable! Go to Griffin, let her touch you!"

\- "Great. Hi Clarke, I left you for six months, got married, but it hurts me, save me one more time. Please."

\- “That's exactly what you will do. Get ready,” Eve get up and began to quickly search for things to dress Lexa.

Now

«Hi, I'm hanging around in the kitchen and I can’t sleep. Try fall asleep here when the room where she sleeps is nearby. I don't know how to relate to this situation. True, I don’t  
know. On the one hand, I can help her with cold indifference, like ... Like who? I'm nobody yet. But did it bother me before? Or help as a person who cares about her. I don’t  
give a damn and it just kills me.  
I remember all the pain and all that has been with me lately and I hate it with renewed vigor. But it’s my fault that I felt this way ... that I felt it all. What does she have to do  
with it?  
Is she guilty for my tears and suffering, my pain. That I almost died. This I did everything to myself. People respond to external factors in different ways. She was a guest in my  
life, I myself forced her. She promised and made me believe, yes ... But I fell in love with her myself ... She promised me nothing about this.  
Someone just scores. Someone will cry and live on, but I’m like that ... I think in what is her fault and I begin to involuntarily justify her. But hatred doesn't allow me to look at  
her calmly. Questions don't allow me to exist calmly. There were questions ... But I don't want to hear the answers. I know them. I don’t convince myself that she really didn’t  
give a shit about me, no ... I just feel what I feel, and no reasonable explanations can make me forget what was with me, no arguments will take away the emotions that settled  
in me . No plaster in the world can seal those wounds, and no one will erase my memories.  
How can I look at her differently now?  
My mom amazes me. I don’t know ... I probably scared her very much, she became ... became as before when my father was alive. I noticed that with her changes my salvation  
came.»

Clarke jerked from rustling and some movements above. The house was dark, as was the kitchen where Clarke was sitting. There was no one besides her and Lexa. Time is one  
in the morning. Mom at work.  
Clarke blocked the phone and set it aside. Began to listen.

She heard Lexa go down the stairs around the corner. Indeed wanted to go? This person doesn't change.  
Clarke began to get angry, but she closed her eyes to calm herself. It doesn't concern her, let Lexa do what he wants.

Lexa went down and, holding onto the railing, stopped.  
Clarke took the glass from the table, and looking at Lexa drank from there. What's next?

Lexa, waving her arms slightly, began to move forward. Found a sofa, then a wall near the hallway.

And then she began to move along this wall, feeling everything along the way.

\- "Do you need help to put shoes?“ Clarke set the glass down, - "cause walking barefoot down the street somehow ... Your shoes are a meter away from you. I set."

\- "Clarke?" Lexa turned to her voice.

The blonde got up and went to Lexa, grabbing her sneakers.

\- “Why am I not surprised? No, on the other hand, I'm even glad. Get out. Nothing new. Take it,” the blonde handed the shoes to the brunette, who stood with her eyes ajar  
and looked in the blonde direction.

Lexa reached out and take her shoes.

\- “I went down to drink, but if you want me to leave ...” Lexa dropped her hands with sneakers.

Clarke opened her mouth and recoiled a little.

\- "Sorry, you already helped me enough. I’m better already, you’re right.” Lexa leaned back against the wall and raised her leg, spreading her sneaker.

Clarke quickly took a step towards the brunette and grabbed her wrist, grabbed a shoe and threw it to the floor.

\- "Sorry. I'm just out of sorts.” Clarke let go of her hand and Lexa looked up at her. - "Do you see well?"

\- “Not that ... shape, but in the dark it is certainly better. Not so painful, just eyelids. It also itches, it feels like something has gotten into my eyes ... I want to rub it."

\- “It's complicated and you have to tolerate it,” Clarke turned, but then she felt Lexa take her hand. Lexa took it and immediately released it. - “I'll pour you some water.”

Clarke handed the brunette a glass of water. She tried not to look at Lexa, she didn't like the emotions that she felt.

\- “Can you rise yourself?”

\- “Yes,” Lexa put down the glass.

Clarke could have helped, but to be honest, being near Lexa was painful. No matter how Clarke wanted to hide her emotions and didn't want to get rid of ... she could not.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is a former drug dealer, she is pleased with her life and her status in the ghetto area. She was pleased until she lost her brother. Life loses its meaning every day. No one was left beside her. She was sure that she could do away with all this until she met Clarke. A girl who believes that she can make Lexa look at life from a different angle. But first, she needs to at least pay attention to Clarke. Forcibly sweet you will not ... or will you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A translation of В ваших сердцах зима by Hell.S.  
> This fanfic was translated from Russia into English with permission of author  
> Author name: Hell.S  
> Her work on website: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5000183
> 
> Commanderofwords as a beta

Clarke barely showed up at home. Two days have passed, a couple more days and Lexa will leave them.  
She increased the number of hours at work and came home only to sleep. Lexa was looked after by her mother, who was forced to leave work to come home.

Clarke didn't know why Abby needed it, why she tried so hard. She didn’t just help, she really tried.

The blonde returned home earlier than usual today and found Eve there. What was the next hour Clarke remembered poorly.  
She lay on the bed and looked at the ceiling. Eve literally made her listen.  
She blocked the road upstairs and began to speak.  
Clarke stopped thinking with every word.

Now in front of her is a complete picture of events. Has anything changed?  
No.

Has it become easier?  
Also no.

She needs time. Time to digest.

*****

Clarke couldn't sleep again. She was very tired at work, her eyes closed, physically she really needed a dream, but her thoughts and anxieties didn't contribute to this at all.

The blonde unlocked the phone. It's time to speak ...  
What to write? What to say?  
Clarke took a deep breath and put the phone under the pillow.  
She quickly got out of bed. It would be better if she filled out a diary than did what she might regret.

Clarke went toward the room where Lexa was sleeping. She quickly opened the door, without hesitation, without stopping to «think.»

Just as quickly she went around the bed and stood up.

She stands and looks at the sleeping brunette.

Eve said that Lexa was forced to sleep next to her because of the cameras and was often tormented by insomnia. Well then.  
There are no cameras here.  
What Clarke wanted to achieve with this is incomprehensible. She herself did not begin to explain her motives and actions.  
The blonde lifted the blanket and quickly ducked into bed. She moved to Lexa and, leaning on a pillow, put her hand under her cheek and hung over Lexa, carefully watching her.

Two actions at once that Lexa couldn't stand.

\- “You almost never appear at home,” Lexa whispered without opening her eyes.

\- “Yes, I have nothing to do here,” Clarke answered calmly, still looking at the girl’s face.

\- "Don't forgive me?"

\- “No,” Clarke leaned a little. What did she do? Wanted to piss Lexa off? Or she personally needed something ...

The brunette opened her eyes and Clarke nearly jerked, but froze. No, she won’t show to Lexa awkwardness right now.  
The distance between their faces is about fifteen centimeters, a little more and can feel each other's warm with skin.

The room is tightly cover windows to make Lexa comfortable during the day. But now that her eyes are accustomed to the dark, at such a distance she can see everything ... Clarke  
examined her forehead and returned to her eyes.

\- "Why are you doing this?" Lexa looked and blinked periodically, but didn't look down.

\- "What am I doing?" Clarke frowned.

\- “This, as if ... You want to provoke me to ask you not to stare or leave.”

\- “And if so, will I succeed?”

\- “No,” Lexa frowned too.

\- “It's a pity,” Clarke leaned back on the pillow.

\- “You've become ... Tough,” Lexa sighed.

\- “It doesn't concern you,” Clarke grinned.

\- “Clarke, I couldn't, I ...”

\- “Quiet,” Clarke turned with face to her. - "Not now."

\- "We have to talk. Even if you don’t forgive me, I still have to explain."

\- "Eve already explained everything to me, don't bother."

Lexa was silent.

They lay in silence for ten minutes.

\- "I just didn't understand one thing."

\- "Which one?" Lexa turned.

\- "What did the words mean that you wouldn't flow from someone like me? I was just thinking ... well, I realized that she was saying everything so that I could feel more painful,  
but she took it from somewhere. Not just like that. So that?"

\- “Clarke,” Lexa's voice faltered, she fell silent.

\- "Was something wrong with me? Share it."

\- "What are you doing?" Lexa got up and turned to Clarke.

\- "Nothing. I reason. You wanted to talk, we are talking. I think these words mean that ... I was not your type. Well, so not in yours that you would not even ..."

\- “Shut up,” Lexa jerked toward the blonde.

\- “You let humiliate me. Although it was enough just to tell me «bye» and leave."

\- “Clarke,” Lexa opened her mouth, but couldn't say anything.

\- “I'm not a stalker, Lexa. If you just left, I wouldn't be looking for you. I have pride. But you let mix me with dirt, feel like shit, unworthy of you. Miserable."

\- “Clarke,” Lexa reached for the blonde and, grabbing her neck, pulled to herself.

\- "No. No, don’t dare. Let me go. I do not need your pity!"

\- “Please,” Lexa began to struggle with the blonde who was removing her hand.

\- “Lexa, you have this hand ... you,” Clarke couldn’t grab her by the wounds, and in the end, Lexa managed to pull her to herself, grabbing her by the neck. She held the blonde  
tightly to her chest and squeezed it with both hands so hard that Clarke was even angry.

She doesn’t need this hug, how dare she! Clarke grabbed Lexa by the other hand and wanted to tear her away from herself, but the rib cage, to which she was pressed by her  
cheek and ear, began to twitch. Clarke froze.

Here is the moment when everything went according to plan. The moment when Clarke completely lost control of the situation. A moment that she didn't expect in any way.  
To say that it became painful for Clarke was to say nothing.  
Is it really her emotions, which have transformed into indifference, emotions that have recently turned into hatred are capable of changing in one second and literally tearing the  
soul to pieces.

Everything inside spun chaos: pain, anger, hatred, resentment and ...  
Clarke raised her head sharply and, with both hands wrapped around Lexa's neck, ducked facing her ear. She squeezed her hands further and now Lexa is in her hugs.  
And Clarke would have understood herself if it were a pity, but she certainly didn't feel sorry for Lexa.  
It was something else.

Lexa, hugging Clarke with both hands, began frantically stroking her head.

Clarke felt Lexa twitching in her hands, her cheek soaking wet.

\- “I really wanted to hug you. I so wanted ..."

\- “Quiet,” so that Clarke wouldn’t feel, she still didn’t want to talk and listen to Lexa.

*****

Lexa opened her eyes. There was almost no pain, although the feeling of something foreign was tormenting her constantly.  
She looked down, Clarke was sleeping peacefully on her chest. Have they really slept like that all night.

What will Clarke think when she wakes up ...

Lexa, slightly covering her eyelids, began to get used to the dim light in the room.

When the picture became at least a little clear, she again looked at Clarke.

She examined her face and at the moment the heart began to rhythm. Lexa squinted a little.  
Her eyes fell on Clarke's forehead, namely a place above her eyebrow. There was a long scar. She blazed a delicate path from eyebrow to hair. Lexa, who was even a little familiar  
with the scars, since she superimpose a couple of time to her brother, realized that once upon a time this thin line was a huge dissection.  
Given the connections of Clarke’s mother and what good plastic surgeons work in that clinic, the resurfacing that was performed on the scar is more likely ...

Lexa swallows.

What happened to Clarke?  
What happened to her for six months?

Lexa was so afraid to get to know the new Clarke and see the changes that happened to the blonde, it brought pain. What happens if she finds out something else ...  
What happens if something worse than resentment and pain happened in Clarke's life?

Lexa wasn't sure that she was ready for such knowledge, because she couldn't do anything with them. Just blame yourself ...

But she deserved it, deserved this emotion and feeling that she hadn't previously known.

Only with her brother, but there she had no chance to change anything ...

Eve was right, Lexa herself went for it. She contacted this business herself. A business that took too much from her and gave nothing in return.  
She regretted when her brother died, at that moment it seemed that she didn't need life either. But with the advent of Clarke ...  
And then again, due to her mistake and connections with Eve's father, she lost everything. She would have to answer for her mistakes for a long time, but at least now she wanted  
to live and fight. Thanks to the girl lying on her chest.  
Eve was also right when she said that a living person can at least try to correct his mistakes, and a dead person can no longer do anything.

Where to start if Clarke gives no chance? What to do when she has to leave this house?

Is it worth trying to fix something, or should Clarke be left to live on. How will be better?  
How many questions and there is not a single answer.

Once Clarke forcefully forced Lexa to accept help, maybe Lexa also should be ... go against Clarke’s will and anger.

While Lexa mused, the blonde woke up and looked up, looking at Lexa from underneath.

\- "How are you feeling?" The blonde whispered hoarsely.

\- “Good,” Lexa smiled a little.

\- "Is it due to the fact that I'm lying on you, or with your well-being?"

\- "With the fact that you are lying."

\- "Good, but how are you?" Clarke began to rise.

\- "The feeling of foreign in the eyes, a little burning, and so more or less. At least I can watch, or rather, I see. And slept well."

\- “Good,” Clarke got out of bed. - "I'm go in the shower and you go. Then I will anoint your forehead and ... everything as always."

Lexa nodded.

*****

\- “Your wife left quickly,” Clarke laid out the medicine on the nightstand.

\- “She is not my wife. She brought documents for divorce," Lexa went up higher and crouched, leaning back in bed.

\- “I see,” Clarke nodded.

The blonde sat down on the edge of the bed and, moving closer, began to examine the almost-healed burns on her forehead.

\- “And so, you are not even friends?”

\- "Friends. She saved me,” Lexa watched Clarke closely.

\- "Understood. Listen, could you not look like that, I can’t look at your face."

Lexa looked away.

\- "So what? What are your plans next?" Clarke began to put on gloves.

\- “Selling an apartment, moving somewhere,” Lexa looked at Clarke again and noticed how she froze with a tube in her hands.

\- “I see,” Clarke returned to the movement.

\- "Why are you asking? You don’t have to talk, you can do silently."

\- "Yes? This makes the task easier, otherwise I’m tired of playing interest."

Lexa suddenly laughed nervously.

\- “You are so ... Do you want to hurt me or what?”

Clarke said nothing.

\- “It's just not necessary to do this, it hurts me so much, Clarke.” Lexa removed her smile from her face.

\- "If so, then I'm glad."

\- “You have a scar on your forehead, where did he got from?”

\- “It's none of your business,” Clarke jerked her head, letting the brunette know that she would shut up and point her head forward so she could apply the ointment.

\- "If you want to hurt me somehow, then this is easy to do. Tell me where the scar came from."

\- “Ok,” Clarke applied ointment to her forehead and looked under her fingers, - “when your car drove toward a brighter future, I cried, and then, when I saw Raven, i ran to her and was hit by a car. Any more questions or will the interrogation be over?" Clarke looked into the reddish eyes, which changed from interested to filled with horror.

\- “Wait,” Lexa grabbed Clarke by the wrist and removed her hand from herself. - "Go away please." The brunette turned away and began to seem to fuss.

\- “I need to finish,” Clarke frowned.

\- “Go,” Lexa whispered softly.

\- “No problem,” Clarke took off her gloves, closed the ointment, and quickly got up, heading for the exit, but stopped at the door.

She stood for thirty seconds and then left.

Lexa walked around the room for about five minutes, nervously squeezing and unclenching her palms.

Then suddenly she exploded, remembering something.

She went into the bath when she saw very poorly, and noticed some jars of medicine there. At that moment, she couldn't make out anything that was written on them.

Lexa rushed into the bathroom and, opening the closet, quickly began to sort through everything until she found this orange jar.

Squinted a little and read the name.

Later, the brunette googled and found information about the pills that are prescribed to the patient with depression.

This information was scarce.

Lexa jerked her fingers convulsively, she urgently needs to know everything today.

They should have some papers in the house. Some kind of information. Such pills just don't prescribe.

After waiting for Clarke to leave for work, Lexa went to Abby's office.

She rummaged everything there. Abby is a doctor and she has too many papers, too many folders.

She had to keep at least some information about Clarke ... Where could they be.

Lexa went over there. She spent an hour - nothing.

She had already lost any hope of finding out something, but the thought appeared ...

She has no right, she must not ...

Lexa sent everything to hell and opened the door to Clarke's room, slowly entered.

She went to the desk and, pulling out the drawers, began to examine paper after paper. Basically, there was everything that has been preserved since childhood.

Half an hour later her hands fell.

Lexa felt how tired her eyes were, how tired she herself was. Her face began to burn and her eyes burned.

She stood in the middle of the room and covered them. Then she opened them and her gaze fell on the shelf, located just to the right of the bed.

Lexa pulled out books and folders from there.

Medicine, medicine ... the book she gave to Clarke.

Lexa opened the penultimate page. The sheet where she wrote was torn out.  
She sighed and set it aside, then found this sheet. He was in a folder.  
She also found a sheet from ... from the medical history. No, she was looking for something like that, but this is specifically from the story. What is he doing with Clarke?

Almost nothing is clear. Lexa got another one.

It looks like some kind of clippings.

Lexa began to sort through the sheets in the folder and read on.

After removing the clippings, Lexa took out what made her became pale.

Lexa heard sounds from the firs floor and, quickly fussing, with trembling hands, she began to take everything back.  
She almost managed to throw everything on the shelf, as the door to the room opened and Lexa froze with her back to the door and with her hands up.

\- “What the hell,” was heard from behind.  
Lexa slowly turned around.

They stood for two minutes. Silently

\- “Did you need this knowledge?” Clarke finally entered the room and threw her bag on the bed.

Lexa was silent. What should she say? What to do? She couldn't move away from the shock.

Clarke took off her sweater and crossed her arms over her chest.

Running her eyes around the room, Lexa quickly left her.

*****

Brunette until late in the evening lay on her back and thought. If Clarke knew that she felt almost the same, and that all that description fit her, would it get better?  
Of course not. After all, Lexa didn't go through the half what Clarke went through. Lexa knew, that the day would come ... But Clarke no.

Tomorrow Lexa will have to leave this house.

*****

All this information was corroding to Lexa from the inside. It's not known why Clarke came yesterday, but before she arrived, the blonde immediately left the house.

Is it really so unpleasant for her to be in the same house with Lexa?

Leave her ...  
Lord, this question haunted Lexa. If she only knew, at least a hint, Is there any reason of not letting Clarke go?  
Better or worse.

Is it necessary or is Clarke, on the contrary, dreaming that she would disappear from her life?  
Gathering things, Lexa scrolled a million questions in her head.

Wanted to cry, smash everything ...  
Go to Clarke, grab and ask,  
If there is even the slightest chance? She will do everything ...

Lexa: I don't know what to do. I am sitting, pick up stuff ...  
Eve: She asked you to leave?  
Lexa: We agreed on a timeline in advance. I am now in a state where I can anoint myself and begin to drip my eyes. Therefore…  
Eva: I think you need to find a reason to stay. On the other hand ... Have you talked about this again?  
Lexa: She's avoiding me. Almost never appears at home.  
Eva: On the other hand, if she clearly decided for herself ... It turns out that you will go against her will. Lexa, I'm not a pro in heart matters, just like you ...  
Lexa: I don't want to leave. I don't know what to do.  
Eve: Do you love her?  
Lexa: You know the answer perfectly.  
Eve: So tell her! What are you losing? Lexa, if she wants you to leave - leave, but if there is at least some hint that she doesn't want this - fight. You remember very well how my  
attempts to restrain you ended. Just get a hint, Lexa, and make a decision.  
Lexa: Thanks, you really didn't help me ...  
Eva: I can't make decisions for you. I would stay. But I'm obsessive, and at one time it pushed you away. I'm not an adviser, I'm sorry ...

Lexa dropped the phone and set things aside. Have to wait for Clarke and try talking again.

She couldn't find a place, staggering around the house back and forth. Finally, in the evening, Clarke nevertheless appeared.

\- "Do you need a taxi?" the blonde began right from the threshold. - “I can help get you home. Or to Eve, it would still be better if someone was there."

Clarke took off her shoes and went into the kitchen, Lexa went after her.

\- “Clarke, let's talk.”

-“Nothing, Lexa. Nothing to talk about. Did you pack your things?"

\- "Almost, I thought that before I left we would try to talk," Lexa took a deep breath ... Here he is ... not even a hint, but in plain text.

\- “Listen,” Clarke put down the water bottle and went to the brunette, - “I'm really sorry if you expected something else, and I'm hurting you now. Tell me what you want from me? Be friends?" Clarke stopped half a meter and looked into the brunette's eyes.

\- “Could you be friends with me again? I would like to have a chance, again ..." Lexa never felt so weak as now. Is it humiliating? No. But standing under such a look and listening to the intonation with which Clarke spoke with her was such a latest that Lexa didn't even know how to react and what to say. She was constantly lost, which was previously not  
characteristic.

\- “We will never be friends again; you must understand this at last. I'm not mad at you, honestly. I had time to think and even forgive you. You were captive of your own mistakes, and you had no choice. I don't blame you for what happened to me. I don’t blame it anymore. But in my life I don’t need you anymore." Clarke tilted her head and looked into the eyes of a the brunet who no longer knew where to look away.

Lexa felt her hands tremble and her legs weaken. Need to go. Go and pick up things.  
It’s necessary to calm down ...

Lexa, climbing the stairs, thought how not to fall. Before eyes everything began to swim.

Run away from here and never appear again.  
Away.  
She appeared too late in Clarke's life.  
And when was it be on time?  
Damn, it would be better not to leave at all.  
It would be better to die from a bullet in the forehead than to leave.

Lexa cursed herself and all her decisions.

She quickly threw things into her backpack and periodically clenched her fists to calm her trembling hands.

Find a hint? Yes. What hints are still needed?

Lexa packed up and sat on the bed.

What will happen next?  
Lately she just lived a moment to return to Clark and tell everything.

If only she knew what it would all turn out to be, Clarke was so fragile. That her inner world is so vulnerable. If only she knew.

Lexa slowly walked down the stairs. She would walk even slower if that were possible.

Clarke, seeing her, put down the phone and, going around the table, stood close to the hallway.  
With her back protruding jamb and throwing one foot on the other, she began to watch the brunette.

Lexa put the backpack on the floor and squatted down to put on shoes.

As she laced her sneakers, she looked at Clarke's feet. The blonde jerked her foot.

The slower Lexa put on her shoes, the more nervous Clarke jerked her foot.

Finally, Lexa straightened up and, taking the backpack by the strap, threw it over her shoulder and looked at Clarke.  
Lexa touched the door handles and looked, not taking her eyes off the blonde.  
Did the blonde's eyes express something? No.  
Was it possible to read something in the look? Also no.

\- “Thanks, Clarke,” Lexa nodded, restraining her urge to cry.  
She clutched her other hand in a fist so that her nails dig into hand.

\- “It's my pleasure,” the blonde answered, gulping gruffly. - “A taxi is already waiting,” she added in a husky tone.

Lexa thought for a second that Clarke was doing the same with herself.

Lexa, pursing her lip, slowly pulled the door toward herself and, finally, breaking eye contact, opened the door and went out, closing it behind her.

The brunette exhaled loudly.  
Inside, everything contracted.  
It seemed that the heart would simply refuse and stop.

Lexa lowered her backpack to the ground and looked at the door.

Eva once told her why she didn't let Lexa go. Why constantly, even by force, holds.

Lexa, who previously didn't love, couldn't fully understand these words.

The brunette opened the door.

Clarke stood in the same place, in the same position, the only thing ... she was looking at the ceiling, and her cheeks were wet with tears.  
Lexa took a quick step toward her and, grabbing her face, not letting Clarke come to her senses, kissed.  
Lexa closed her eyes so tightly that sparks started from the pain in her eyes. But she didn't let go. She pressed her lips and stood, not meeting resistance. Not meeting any movements.  
They just stood in that position for a minute until Lexa began to choke and her eyelids burned with such force that it was simply necessary to open them.  
She pulled away from Clarke and loudly caught the air.  
Green eyes ran across the face opposite.

\- “Tell me I can stay,” Lexa said breathlessly and barely.

\- “If you leave again, I would die.” Clarke's lips twitched and, restraining a hysterical urge, she closed her eyes with a trembling hand.

Clarke turned quickly and ran to her room.

Lexa sighed loudly and heavily.

She has a chance.

She released the taxi driver and returned to her room.

She didn't bother the blonde anymore today.

The next day Lexa didnt bother her, knowing that Clarke was not leaving her room, and only Abby, without understanding anything, was carrying food to her.

No, Lexa wasn't afraid to catch Clarke's eyes.  
But she gave her time to realize what had happened.

If Clarke was building this wall so much, then the collapsed barrier ... She just needed time.

*****

Maybe in vain Lexa gave it? Today (a week later), Lexa doubted the correctness of her decision.

\- “Abby told me you quit the job?” Lexa was eating at the dinner table, and Clarke was going somewhere. She looked very dressed up.

\- “Yes,” Clarke waved her hand, - “I'd rather give my studies all the time. Well ... Well, that was my decision."

\- "Good. You ate?"

Lexa intersected, of course, with Clarke, nevertheless they live in the same house, but their dialogs were so short that they could not even be called a conversation.

\- "No, I'm will eat in a cafe. Bon appetit, Lexa, I ran.” Clarke kissed her mother on the cheek, who was standing by the stove, and quickly ran out of the house.

\- “She's changed,” Abby came and sat next to Lexa, - “something tells me that thanks to you.”

\- “Yes, she smiles.” Lexa pushed back the plate.

\- "She doesn't just smile, she glows. I haven’t seen her like that ... I haven’t seen her for such a long time,” Abby sighed heavily. - “She forgave you, only that could bring her back to life. Remove the load, so to speak ..."

\- “I hope this is truly forgiveness,” Lexa got up and, taking a plate, went to the sink.

\- “If you want, get into Raven’s room. She moved to her husband anyway. The room is free."

\- “I'm fine in the guest room. I never asked you," Lexa turned and looked at Abby, - "I don't bother you that I live here? I just didn't want to leave Clarke ..."

\- "No, I still don’t appear at home. And Clarke needs a friend nearby. Okay, I’ll go, I’ll throw things in the laundry, soon to work."

A friend is nearby ...  
She is not her friend.  
None…  
Just for some reason lives here.  
Of course, Clarke changed and it was visible.

In recent days, Lexa often heard laughter from the blonde room when she was talking on the phone.

Lexa watched the movie, and when she heard Clarke return, she glanced at her watch. It’s almost one in the morning.

Very well, she sat in the cafe.

Lexa left the room and immediately pressed herself against the wall.

Clarke wasn't alone, Lexa clearly heard a female voice.

The brunette were as if electric shock.

She went out to the stairs.

\- “Hi, Lexa,” Clarke waved her hand, - “Marie, this is my neighbor. Lexa, good night.” Clarke pulled the girl along, and, with a laugh, they locked themselves in the blonde's room.

That's what Lexa did here.  
Nothing.

The brunette stood, and continued to stand in shock.

She blinked nervously and opened her mouth, but then closed it. What's happening?

Was Lexa stay for this?  
To watch how Clarke gets better and she continues to live? Oh yes, neighbor.  
That's what Lexa’s status is. Neighbors.

The brunette slowly began to boil.

She, not having time to think over everything that would be worthwhile, quickly went up to the blonde's room and knocked.

Clarke, smiling broadly, opened the door.

\- “May I have a moment?” Lexa asked.

\- “Marie, I am back soon,” Clarke shouted and went out, closing the door.

Lexa grabbed her wrist and pushed her to the side.

\- "What does all this mean?" asked Lexa.

\- "I didn't get that?" Clarke's face became serious. - “What do you mean?”

\- "Who is it?"

\- “This ... I hope that in the future my girlfriend, but what?”

\- “Clarke, let her go,” Lexa spat out these words, and then, clenching her jaw, she began to play with jelly.

Clarke frowned and looked at Lexa for a long time, just looked at her face, trying to understand ... She seemed to want to see something.

\- “Why would she leave?” the blonde said through gritted teeth.

\- “Since she doesn’t belong here.”

Clarke opened her mouth.

\- “Lexa, you ... what?” Clarke spread her hands.  
She didn’t understand anything at all. It was clearly visible from her.

\- "What incomprehensible have I said?"

\- "Lexa, listen. We agreed that you stay. More precisely ..." Clarke cleared her throat, - "we will be friends, I just need time. Just because I’m talking with someone doesn’t mean that I don’t give a damn that you are here, just ... just, I can ..."

\- “You can't,” Lexa interrupted, and jerked her head incomprehensibly, - “what are you talking about?”

\- "What?"

They silently looked at each other.

There is definitely a misunderstanding between them. Complete misunderstanding.

Clarke raised her eyebrows, waved her hand, and walked quickly toward the door.  
Opened, entered and closed.

Lexa covered her eyes, meditated mentally.  
She was preparing herself for the second round and, a little calmer, stood in front of the door.

Suddenly the door opened and Clarke pushed the girl out.  
She really pushed her.  
She glanced at the brunette and slammed the door loudly.

\- "What's wrong with her?" Marie turned to Lexa and waved her hands indignantly.

\- “If you again,” Lexa went up to the girl and her green eyes flashed, - “come up to her, I’ll break your arms and legs. Do you understand?"

Marie opened her eyes wide.

\- “Get out,” Lexa pushed her on the shoulder.

The brunette was not just jealous, she felt how anger was spreading all over her body from the mere thought that Clarke would be with someone ...

The girl ran away, and the door to Clarke's room opened.

\- "Will break's arms and legs?" Clarke tilted her head and stared at the brunette.

\- “To you too.” Lexa walked quickly along the corridor.

As fast as could.  
Jealousy simply infuriated her and, of course, she was afraid that she would angry on Clarke.

\- "Hey!" Cried out from behind Clarke.  
The blonde caught Lexa at the door to her room and turned sharply on herself.

\- "What was it?" Clarke asked.

Lexa was silent and only quietly puffed with anger.

\- "What do you allow yourself?" suddenly Clarke jerked with awareness, her eyes widened. - “Lexa,” the voice trembled.

\- “Clarke, if you don't need me, tell me. I can tolerate your ignoring and even be here like a shadow, but I can’t watch how you are in front of me with someone ...

Clarke took a step back ...

Lexa only now realized that Clarke had no idea.

\- “I ... I will go ...” Clarke began to turn around slowly. - “I need time ...”

\- "How much can already?" Lexa caught up with her and jerked her with face abruptly, - "how much time do you need? What for?"

\- “Lexa, let me go,” Clarke tried to break free.

\- “Clarke, if I bring someone to me and fuck right before you...” Lexa didn’t finish. A burning blow to her cheek shut her mouth.

The blonde spun around and began to leave.

Lexa caught up with her again and grabbed her arm, which Clarke immediately began to snatch.

\- "We didn't finish!"

\- "We finish! Fuck off! Bring, fuck! I don't care!" Clarke pushed the brunette in the chest. - "Fuck how you fucked your Eve for six months!"

\- "I didn't sleep with her! Are you stupid, I don’t understand?" Lexa grabbed Clarke by the shoulders and jerked sharply at herself, - "I did not sleep with her!"

\- "I don't believe you! Let me go, fuck!" Clarke was no longer in control of the force, she grabbed Lexa by the sore arm and shoved her elbow, hitting her face.

\- “How could I sleep with her if I loved you?” Lexa cried out and forcefully shook Clarke against the wall. - “Stop hitting me, it hurts me, damn you!”

\- “I hate, I hate you,” Clarke kept pushing Lexa in the chest and pulling her away from her, pulling her over her shoulders.

\- "And I love you, do you hear?"

\- “I hate,” Clarke weakened a little and Lexa managed to pin her to the wall with whole body.

\- “Love, love you, love,” Lexa began to kiss Clarke on the cheeks, on the forehead, on the neck.  
She did it so quickly and convulsively, she was afraid that this moment would break off and she wouldn't have time ... she wouldn't have time ...  
She tried to kiss every millimeter on the blonde's face with kisses.  
Lexa's heart jumped to her throat when Clarke, grabbing her chin abruptly, pulled her to herself and kissed her.

Clarke pushed Lexa and she crashed into the wall opposite. Clarke jumped up and kissed her again.

\- “Tell me, tell me again,” Clarke whispered, looking up from the kiss.

\- “Love, love you,” Lexa stroked blond curls and fingered the skin on her face, - “I love ... I'm sorry, I'm begging you, I'm sorry, Clarke, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ... I'm sorry ...”

\- “Quiet, quiet,” Clarke wiped the tears on Lexa's cheeks with her thumb, - “if you leave again, I will die. I'm going to die, Lexa ..."

\- “Clarke, be my wife,” the brunette suddenly popped out of her lips.

\- "What?" Clarke was numb.

\- “I'm sorry, I wanted to say, damn, I'm sorry ...”

\- "Are you serious?"

\- “Clarke, when I did it fictitiously ... I only thought about ... I thought ... I ... I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I don’t know how to fix it now ... Sorry, I'm flying somewhere now ... Sorry that I ... I want to say so much, just let me."

\- "Lexa, it takes time. No, no, wait,” the blonde caught the brunette’s face and, kissing her forehead, her eyes, not stopping, continued to whisper, - “time is for you, not for me. Did like that make a proposal?

\- “Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me,” Lexa, closing her eyes and fingering over the soft skin on Clarkes face, continued to repeat and repeat.

*****

\- “Only honestly,” Clarke saddled Lexa, and the brunette, squinting, opened her eyes.

\- “Good morning to you, too,” Lexa put her hands on Clarke and smiled broadly.

\- “You sleep with me ... More precisely, you sleep? God, I don’t know how to ask.” Clarke leaned over and stared into her green eyes. She frowned and continued to watch without blinking.

\- “Clarke,” Lexa grinned, - “I know what you are doing again. I sleep with you, and you can stare at me as much as you like, besides, you have very beautiful eyes. From such a  
distance, however, it is not very clearly visible," Lexa slightly moved Clarke so that her eyes could focus on her eyes, - "like that. So good."

Clarke smiled broadly.

Lexa knocked her onto her back and, hanging over her, began to examine her face.

\- “Damn, you were right, it's not too comfortable,” Clarke began to be embarrassed and turned away.

\- "I like this. Don't turn away, look at me.” Lexa turned her face towards her chin.

\- “It hurts me to look at your eyes and forehead,” Clarke's eyes suddenly sparkled.

\- “Everything will pass,” Lexa reached out and kissed Clarke on the scar, more and more ... kissing every millimeter. - “I want you to know if I knew ... I would never ... I would ...”

\- "Quiet, okay?" Clarke grabbed the brunette with both hands and pulled on herself, laying on her chest.

\- “Clarke,” Lexa looked in front of her, - “you have melted my heart. You became my life ... if I knew then what awaits you ... I wouldn't leave. I reassured myself all the time that you were strong and could manage ... I would rather die if your well-being depended on it."

\- “Don't say that ... Don't you dare!” “Clarke tightly squeezed the brunette’s shoulders and hugged her even harder. - ”You look at me as something beautiful. Every time, from the moment you were able to open your eyes after an injury, your gaze ..."

*****

«For a long time I didn't write anything. Probably, I was not up to it. Today is a special day. No, I don’t have a wedding, today I found out that Raven is pregnant.  
It made me say so much. To write. So many thoughts.

Today I recall what happened three months ago when Lexa said the word «love.»  
It seemed to me that the sky was falling on me.  
This feeling ... it is indescribable.  
Some kind of adrenaline jump mixed with a sense of euphoria.  
As if you are running a huge distance ... and you have no strength.  
You are already suffocating.  
Legs refuse, you don’t feel them, but here is the finish line, and you cross it, it breaks on your chest, and you fall exhausted.  
I am not proud of my actions and weaknesses. But if you compare it with the marathon ... When Lexa then touched me and repeated that she loves ... I forgave everything. I  
forgave everything at that moment. Was there anything to forgive?

Emotions never give in to thoughts.

If Lexa, then, standing on the street, answered me that she also loves.  
If she told the truth about what was happening.  
If they had not robbed me, and I didn't kiss Niylah.  
If I hadn’t asked Lexa to leave, I would have opened a book and read ...  
If I had ever dared to tell her that I love.  
If Eve hadn't stood up for Lexa.  
If Lexa was left ... and ...  
If…  
We are people, ordinary people, winding ourselves up and thinking of everything independently. Was there anything for me to forgive for Lexa?  
No.

She intentionally didn't hurt me. She is a living person and, like me, a coward.  
We all ask ourselves someday the question «if», but life is so arranged that it drops us and bruises us, leaving such scars that ... I don’t want about the bad.

Lexa looks at me every morning like that...  
This view can't be described in words.  
I’ll tell you a secret, even Raven and Finn don’t look at each other like that.  
Her voice, with which she speaks to me and speaks my name.  
All this is filled with such tenderness, and I thank God every day for giving us both a chance to correct our mistakes.

That period in my life I will never remember.  
For her sake.  
Sometimes in her eyes I see pain.  
She looks at my scar and her eyes fill with pain ...  
I don't want to see the pain in her eyes. I never want to.  
I don't want her to blame herself.  
I don’t want her to regret anything.  
I want to live on.

I recall my conversations with Raven in the kitchen when I told her about how I was afraid that Lexa would understand how I felt for her.  
I am afraid because this girl was simply inaccessible in my eyes, and now she is mine.  
I am grateful to God that once I entered that house and went up to the roof.

I am grateful to God for giving us a chance.  
By the way, she had hair after an injury ... oh, how to say, in short, her forehead was burnt, and there was a small bald spot. In general, everything grew there, she was an unwritten beauty, even with that bald spot.  
God, if she finds out that I noticed (and I always pretended not to see) she would kill me. Of course, she knows, because there was a huge glade of hair, or rather their absence.  
She is insanely beautiful. She's insanely ... beautiful ....  
And I love. I love her very much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading hope you like and enjoy it


End file.
